I started my morning off with the onset of a medium to severe panic attack, after I got myself stuck in a jean leisure suit, that was clearly too small for me, at the antique store. Even though I could barely get it over my head, I continued to put it on, until I got it stuck over my breast bone, causing a sort of suffocation, slowing of the heart rate, and then SHEER PANIC, as I screamed over and over “Get it off! GET IT OFF!!! Even as Renee tried to pull it off my head, harder than necessary, in my opinion, it took at least, what seemed like, a full 30 seconds to get it off!
As I was driving home, belting out the lyrics to “Nothing's gonna stop me now”, by a rockin band named Starship, I realized, I may be starting to get a little older. Not just because when I tried to show off my cleavage today, in a tasteful picture, did I see wrinkles on my chest, neck, forehead, and lips, but also because I know I simply had no reason to panic in my youth, especially over a tight shirt! There are the clear cut signs of aging, that I always ignore, such as going to bed after the six o clock news, being tired a lot, whining about aches and pains, not being able to sleep through the night without urinating, and of course my more frequent occurrences of corns, bunions, and occasional hemorrhoids. But what about the more subtle signs?
I've always felt young and hip, hanging with my youthful peers, feeling like we're fairly close in age, until one day, one of them told me I have really nice skin for my age!??? WHAT AGE? What does this even mean? I realize Oil of Olay is good, but is it really as good as Pledge, deceiving your age by that much? I'm not 64, trying to look 20! I'm 37, trying to look 35. How much better could my skin really look? Besides that, people used to look at my voluptuous parts, not my skin. But I guess in truth, while I can keep my ladies looking perky on the front side, in the back, my bra strap is showing at my neckline, in any cute tank top, in order to get them there! And embarrasingly, I have to say my best attempt at being sexy lately has involved the statement “Are you aware that I'm wearing nothing but a toe spacer right now”? And even then, I didn't even get a double take! It ain't right!!! I guess it's true that your 30s are the old 60s.
So now that I've accepted my aging process, I'm starting to worry about what life lessons I'm going to pass on to my kids. There are so many things I wish to teach them, but I have one regret that stands above all the rest. I never learned how to parallel park. I tried again today, as I have at least 8 other times in my life, and it took me about 10 minutes to get in a spot big enough for 2 SUVs! Now I just worry that they too will never excel at this. It's so hard to face your own mortality. I can only hope they've learned enough from me already.