funny, humor, mom humor, parenting

Disco Nights….

IT'S HERE! For weeks I've been waiting for this day, months even, if you count all the premonition dreams I was having about it, before I even knew it was happening. It is finally 70s Disco Night at the kids school, where I get the pleasure of teaching three of my all time favorite dances(the Hustle, the Bus Stop, and the Funky Chicken), to a gym full of school aged cherubs, while wearing a baby blue leisure suit. Could life get any better?

My leisure suit fits like a glove, as you can see in the photo. Now, if you don't think it's natural for your skin folds and abdominal fat to be pinched together into an uncomfortable fold, then you might think the waist is too tight, but the pants DO button with certain manipulation. I'm willing to live with it because its the price of being beautiful, but man! Those girls in the 70s were SKINNY! The bottom of the pants may be a pinch too short, but I'm sure that at least the poor kids had to wear these kind of pants in the 70s, so I should still fit in……somewhere????

My wig could use to be a little fuller, but I had to cut a lot of it off, so I could hot glue it to a wife beater, so it will appear as though my son has a massively hairy chest. What we won't do for our kids…. He goes with…….I go without…… He said he absolutely wasn't wearing the shirt, without fake chest hair, because it would be too embarrassing if his friends saw his bare chest. And truthfully, what mother can argue with that?

The high heel shoes I'm wearing are so old that the faster is hanging on by one leather string. Really, the fastener is just for looks. I am going to have to basically balance on the wood sole, the only support being across my toes, and delicately try to make the 180 degree turn, during the Hustle, so that I won't turn an ankle or break a hip. And really, besides a few of the above mentioned issues, the whole outfit “just works”!

Naturally, with the role I'm responsible for playing tonight (lead dance instructor/choreographer), I'm having last minute jitters. What if I forget a dance move? What if the kids think I'm stupid? What if my shoe fastener doesn't hold up, I break my ankle at the beginning of the dance, and leave no instructor for the kids. Then what if the ambulance comes to pick me up, takes me to the hospital in the only outfit I have, this baby blue leisure suit, and the ER nurses start to judge me in my “short pants”. And even worse, what if they have to cut the leisure suit off of me to prevent further fractures. I almost can't STAND the anxiety!!!!!

Last night the kids and I did hold a small dress rehearsal, just for extra practice. They did phenomenal, but I was still worried about my own skills. While I was going over all the “what ifs” in my head, I looked down to find I had eaten almost an entire ham, plus part of the hock. No potatoes, no salad, no water, or bread. Piece by folded piece, I ate my weight in dry, salty ham. I wondered how this could, and why this would EVER happen. First I thought it was my hormones again, then I blamed it on anxiety, but then it was like a light bulb turned on in my brain. HELLO….. My body ate this ham, in this massive quantity, because only my own body could tell my own body what it lacked/or needed. I NEEDED protein!!! How else did I think my ankles were going to build muscle around them, so that I could support myself on those wood shoes, without ankle straps or fasteners?I laughed out loud, feeling so foolish. I really can tell a difference in my ankle strength already….overnight. The body sure is an amazing machine isn't it?

Well, I'm off to meditate, before the big performance(meaning nap). Please send out positive vibes for a positive show tonight, and thanks for all of your support in advance. And if something should happen to my ankles, please remember….the show MUST go on!



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