Every few years, I tend to try a major stunt, that my body is simply not trained to do… Really, who am I kidding?.. I'm certain I've tried more than one of these idiotic feats, with more frequency than bi-decadely:), but I must have either blocked them out, or they just didnt hurt me as badly, as the ones that left a lasting memory.
When I was younger, I was an adequate gymnast. My body could bend and move in ways that makes my own self question “How”?. As I entered college, I always used to tell myself that if I did one back hand spring a year, I would be able to keep my body limber, and prove these old people wrong, that always said “It will catch up to you honey”!
Naturally, in my early 20's, I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, it hadn't registered in my brain, that I had gained 30 pounds, due to the numerous late night Taco Bell runs, and excessive amounts of beer intake, in college.
My confidence was high, as I flipped backwards, but when my hands hit the ground, my feet didnt want to follow. In order to get myself out of this predicament, I had to contort my midsection, in a twisting fashion, that I fear, looked like a fish out of water.
Lets just say, I hurt more than just my pride!
In future years, it crossed my mind to try again, but my brain couldn't ever get past the fear of the unknown, so it was the last “half” back handspring, of my life.
A few years later, after having more than my share, of cheap keg beer, and dressed as Thelma Harper, from “Mama's Family”, I decided to brave the worm, during a good Michael Jackson song. All my friends were cheering me on, I guess in case I was going to change my mind, at the last minute. But as many of you could probably guess, if it gains me the spotlight…… I'm in!
I don't know if I was lucky to have all this booze on board, or if the booze may have been a hinderence, but as I went into my handstand, and started to make my slow decline, my legs went the WRONG WAY!! My belly was going down like it was supposed to, but my legs went the opposite way, so that my face and chest were touching the ground, and my dress shoes were on the ground, directly behind my head…. I was looking at my shoes!!
My neck and spinal cord cracked all the way down, causing near fractures, and a small moment of paralysis. Luckily, I was numbed up pretty well, and didnt have to go to the E.R in this outfit. I never tried this stunt again.
A couple of years after that, I decided to try out the mechanical bull. I was surprisingly, a natural at it. I had either had enough cocktails to make my body move, in direct stride with the headless bull, or I was hallucinating that I was that good….but again, people were cheering me on, as I basked in the glow of all the attention. I should have taken it as a clue to get off, when I flew off the bull and into the wall, before I could register what was happening, and before bracing myself….But I didn't.
The second time I flew off, my teeth hit the bull, at about neck level, before it threw me off in a circular motion. I couldn't move my hands or extremities for days, after this. I felt like I had end stage rheumatoid arthritis….10 years later, I tried this again. But, my memories came flooding back. I fell off in about 6 seconds, and after hurting my pinky finger, I quit!
As the years have passed, I have continued to make poor choices, while doing stunts on ice skates, roller skates, skateboards, diving boards, rope swings, and kids 3 wheeler bikes. I'm not sure ill ever stop attempting these daring feats, to prove to my children that I am NOT old, and DO have youthful abilities.
Now… Usually, I spread these performances out, because my body ails for so long after, but this week I attempted two daring stunts, within days of each other, and I haven't stopped whining about the aches since!
First, I decided to try out my sons unicycle, and yes, I did wear a helmet! He was screaming at me to get off, because I was going to pop his tire, or break the bike. I felt daring and proud! But in hindsight, I should have locked my car doors, before using them as stability. As I faltered, and tried to continue to balance on the bike, while my car doors were swinging open, and while my helmet was banging into my forearms, I realized, this may not have been that great of an idea. I probably tore my rotator cuff, and the boys got to point and laugh at me, but I'm still standing!
Later, in the week, one of my sons dared me to do a one handed cartwheel, while smirking, and nudging his brother. Of course, they both knew I would attempt it, after all, it WAS a dare!
Well…I did it, and landed on my own two feet, but every muscle in my body tore, causing immediate pain. I beamed at them, with a mixture of a smile and a grimace, and they laughed again. My left arm is hanging on by a thread, but I'm left with dignity.
While I will for sure attempt more daring feats, in the future, I would like to think I will at least not attempt the same ones again, that have hurt me in the past.
Because….. I think it's obvious that I'm the type of person that DEFINATELY learns from their mistakes!!…