family, funny, humor, humour, kids, mom humor, parenting, society


Not long after I fell asleep last night, something made me sit up abruptly. I was a little disoriented for a moment, but when I got my bearings, I noticed the bedroom door was opened, and the hall light was on.

Most people would immediately think that one of their children probably opened it, and then left the light on, during their trip back from the bathroom. I too, have that thought…..for a moment. But then my mind starts racing. What if it wasn't the kids? What if it was a strange man, that had noticed that the kids were sound asleep, and the dog was hard of hearing, allowing him to sneak behind the bedroom door, and wait patiently for a good time to pounce on his prey!

Sadly, on these nights of anxiety, Renee has to endure the suffering, and neither of us sleep. I always wake her, because I'm not the warrior type, that grabs the baseball bat, in my boxer shorts, and is willing to take a beating, if it means saving the family. I'm the one that says “I'll wait up here, and make sure the girls are safe”! But…. If she's taking too long, I'm also am the annoying one that whispers “Renee…. Renee?… What is it?…. Do you see something?….Renee”?……..”RENEE? ARE YOU OKAY? PLEASE ANSWER ME”! All, while never leaving the upstairs area.

I know she doesn't want to get up, when I hear strange sounds, because its never anything…. But really, until she secures the house, she's not going to sleep anyway….. Because I will continue to say things like “Okay! Did you hear it that time? You just had to have”! OR just toss and turn, sighing loudly, and hoping that if I toss a leg or arm her direction, slightly harder than necessary, that she might jump up and say “WHAT WAS THAT”?… And I'd respond “I know, I've been hearing that sound ALOT tonight!

Honestly though, even after the house is secured, I still won't sleep. I should probably just sleep with the light on, maybe it would irritate her less??!!…..

What happens next, you may ask?……

Every time I start to fall asleep, I will hear the dog breathe, or move, which makes me jump, and look around again, for the heavily breathing man. Then, I start to doze again, and the clouds will move, ever so slightly, across the moon, and I will jolt awake again, thinking its a shadow of a person looming over my bed….. I think I might need psychiatric intervention, but so far, I've been able to tell the difference between what's fake and reality:).

If ever I'm at home by myself at night, I sleep with the largest butcher knife I can find. Truthfully, Im not entirely sure what I would do with it, if an actual burglar, or potential rapist entered, though. I guess it could go one of two ways.

1: I most likely, would never be able to locate the knife that I hid….. and even if I did….the black handle would probably fall off, just when I was about to save the day, because that's what happens to all my good utensils and appliances, in times of need.

2: I would have the natural innate ability, to twirl this knife around like a baton, terrifying him to tears, and causing him to urinate on himself, all the while believing it was the knife tricks that were horrifying him, and not my ratted up hair, my night shirt from the early 30's, my raggedy granny panties, that have lost the elastic, and are hanging around my knees….. OR….The look of my “ladies”, that are not being supported, and are swirling right above my hips, my halitosis, and the psychotic look in my eyes, that say “I've been waiting for this day. I ALWAYS knew it would happen”!!!!

I suppose, if my children were to come to my bedside, to ask for water, or a bit of cough syrup…….these same two scenarios would apply:). Then, this would lead to anxiety of their own……… And that's how the cycle starts people!




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