Its raining today…Although normally the contrary is true, today I welcomed it.
For days, I've done virtually nothing but drown myself in my own sorrows…I needed to get up!
Today, I put on my quiet, inspirational music….music that many people call “sad”. I lit candles, and I put on my dim lamps. I slowly started to pick up my house….
The music played loudly…. I could feel it in my soul. I allowed my brain to wander, reflect, search for things unseen. Sometimes I felt calm, sometimes I felt overwhelmed, sometimes I wept.
My Mama P never leaves my mind for a minute. I worry about how she's feeling, I worry about her safety, and I worry that she is in pain. I hear word from my dad and my brothers sporadically, but it isn't the same as being there myself…..I secretly sometimes feel like, if I was there, I could make things better, I could somehow make her feel stronger….that she would listen to me!! As I break down my thoughts and feelings, I know this isn't true. It's the way my heart and mind are coping, in response to feeling helpless that I am the only one that's here…. My family is doing a good job!
Its not as though I have never experienced my heartbreaking, but I can honesly say I have never felt my heart tear in two like this! I have become so consumed with my feelings, that I can't bare to do a thing…..I just sit and stare…I feel detached!
Renee has been a good support person, but to add insult to injury, her brother suffered a stroke this week, and she has naturally been consumed herself…I haven't been there for her.
This morning, I fought with my daughter over her clothes, and I talked to another teacher about my son, asking her to please be patient with him. I felt depleted….could anything else go wrong? Could I endure one more thing today?….
As I was cleaning, and trying to get myself in some sort of zen mode, I came upon my daughters bird cage. My heart fell to the floor, when I saw that her favorite bird Charlie, had drowned in his own water bowl! How could this be?
I cried more, as I tried to make a place for him in a box, with fancy paper, and a flower. How am I going to tell this child that he's gone!….
As I went through the process, of fancying up her bird, I thought hard about what I was doing, and more so about what I was NOT doing.
I have been neglecting my children's feelings. I have placed my feelings above their own, and they have suffered because of it. I never once have asked them how they felt about the news of their grandmas cancer…never taking into consideration one time that they could be hurting too. I wanted them to understand MY feelings, and tread lightly right now, because I am sad.
I wasn't listening a month ago, when my son was crying out that something was wrong…that he needed my attention. If I had payed attention, we may not be in this predicament with his grades. I didnt want to be bothered with his problems….I had my own!
I wasn't listening two days ago when my daughter was crying real tears, pleading with me to help her sick bird Charlie! She knew then that he was sick! I pawned her problem off to my friend, who gave her the bird…..Another person comforted my daughter, because I was being selfish with my own feelings, and not bothering with hers.
….Now, as I sit here with this dead bird, my heart cries out for my children….
When I first saw that bird in the cage, I immediately wondered why everything was going wrong for me. I truly believe that all these things are occurring in my life, because I am supposed to be learning something…..I'm supposed to be seeing something clearly, that I have been so blind to in the past….BUT WHAT?!
Last night, I was awoken by a concerned text from my dad. I couldn't sleep for a long while after that…. I was worried again. So, I prayed. I prayed again for God to heal my ailing mother. I prayed that she would be pain free as she finished up her treatments. I prayed that he would give my dad and my siblings the strength to help her get over this hurdle. Then, I prayed for myself…
I prayed that my heart would stop aching…. but I mostly prayed that God would show me some sign, give me some ability to see why this was all happening.
I believe part of my prayer was answered this morning, though it took me a minute to figure it out. Sometimes it takes more than one thing being placed on our shoulders for us to open our eyes! Today my eyes and ears were opened again!
I thank God again today for teaching me to start listening….. something I stopped doing a long time ago.