cancer, family, healing, health, society

WAITING TO EXHALE

STIR CRAZY= BEING DISTRAUGHT OR RESTLESS FROM LONG CONFINEMENT.

A handful of people have been reading my writing lately just to keep up on my Mama Ps status. People that are far away, people that are unable to come over, and people that want to stay up to date, without bothering the family. I have had many kind words, thanking me for keeping this up during this time, because it is the only way for them to feel connected. I'm glad that people have found comfort in my writing…

However, it has become increasingly harder for me to write these little updates. Not because I don't want to share how she is doing, but rather because we have come to a sort of stand still.

I feel guilty saying this, but I have become so tired, bored, and STIR CRAZY. My days are blending together and I lose track of time easily. I joke that I have a small bed sore forming at my coccyx, from moving from the chair…to the couch…to Pattys bed…to the couch…to the chair…and eventually to bed.

I've been here for a week, but it feels like a month has gone by….

At first, I was accommodating and chatty with guests, now I feel like I stare blankly sometimes, and try to scoot off somewhere quietly. Not because I don't want her to have guests…actually the opposite is true. It preoccupies my dads time, and allows me a minute to myself.

Its funny to me that I say that out loud, because it seems like I've had a million minutes to myself. I have watched every minute change on the clock since I've been here.

The highlight of my day is the time in the morning I take to write, the shower that takes up to an hour of my day, and most importantly, the times that my mama P is awake……which is less and less each day.

I sometimes feel ridiculous complaining of my boredom, when in the whole scheme of things, I should just feel lucky to have this time. However, as the days go by, there is much less time spent with her, and more time just waiting.

Waiting…. Again it sounds so insensitive. Waiting for what?…. I Certainly don't want her to go!…. Maybe waiting for her to wake up….or waiting for the minute hand to change…..or waiting for my heart to stop aching….

Yes….waiting is the right word.

For the last two days, my mama has been sleeping most of the day…with one or two periods of awakeness….but not necessarily alertness. At some points yesterday, she wouldn't even respond to touch. She hasn't eaten or drank anything substantial in at least a week, and her body is so frail, that I fear at times it may break in two.

Honestly, yesterday I felt like I would never be able to communicate with her again…….but she AGAIN surprised me 🙂

I was laying next to her for awhile last night, playing on my computer while she fidgeted with her blankets. At one point I looked over at her, and she was looking at me. I asked her if she was staring at me… She got a big grin on her face and nodded a yes. I told her it was only fair, since we all keep staring at her constantly in that bed, as she sleeps:)

For the next two hours, we communicated in a different way. She asked me questions, but she didnt remember what I was answering….and her voice is so quiet now, that its hard to hear her. She smiled and held my hand…rubbing it or patting it when she got the energy.

At one point she told me that she felt like she was in another world. I told her I was glad when she was in this one…. and then, after a pause…said “Aren't you”?

She responded by saying quietly.. “Not like this”…….This breaks my heart a thousand times over. I can't stand to see her hurting.

In this time of half clarity, she was also able to talk to both of my brothers, their wives, and her grand kids, via video feed. I feel blessed to have had another moment of communication with my mama.

However, after that short two hour span….Im back to waiting….She's sleeping again 😦

Sadly, tomorrow I have to leave her….I have to go home to my family and job.

I feel anxious and sad about going, but I know she's in good hands with my aunt and my dad.

The hardest part for me will be to say the words…….GOODBYE 😦

 

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8 thoughts on “WAITING TO EXHALE

  1. Over here we often say “seeya” instead of goodbye. Its less final. A seeya would do tomorrow. It will be hard I’m sure but it will be nice to be home again too I’m sure.

    • Thank you for the idea….I’m going to say SEE YA… I hope that makes it a smidge easier…. I am read to see Renee and the kids again for sure…they are my heart too 🙂

  2. I can relate to the restless feeling. My husband said something similar once we realized his father was at the point of no return — he was ready for things to move on because the sense of being on hold was horrible, not when you knew the outcome. It was like hope that something could change for the better turned into cement or something. I don’t know if that makes sense. But you shouldn’t feel guilty for the other feelings. It’s how you feel and that’s that. It doesn’t mean you love less or are less sad or are a bad daughter. What you’re going through is hard.

    • Shortly after reading this I listened to the words from a song called holding on and letting go, by Ross copperman… I think. Brought me to tears, but it described what I was feeling. I find such comfort in music. Thanks for your words:)

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