cancer, family, healing, health, society

PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY

As I took each sip of the TALL IPA beer I ordered at the airport, my body began to numb. My thoughts went to my good friend Dusty, who turned me on to this beer not long ago. I felt happy about this numbness, and felt thankful for her beer encouragement:)

First my feet…then my hands…then my body…then my brain……….But it NEVER numbed my HEART!!!!

I just left my Mama P….

I can honestly say, as I pulled myself away from her bedside, the wind was knocked out of me! It felt like someone had taken a hit, deep onto my abdomen, grabbing a hold of my heart along the way…. and wouldn't let go…..

Yesterday I bought a plane ticket to head back home. The minute I pushed the submit button, I was full of sadness and indifference. I didnt want to leave her like this….not until the end. I felt a pull to be with my family, and I knew I would have to return to work at some point, but I didn't want to say goodbye…. But I knew I never would.

Knowing my time was short, I snuggled with her again last night. She was semi awake and was fighting with confusion and some hallucinations. She saw people standing at her bedside…..people I couldn't see.

I asked her if she knew who they were.

She said she didn't know, but one looked like a guy that my dad used to go to school with.

I asked if they were scaring her……She shrugged.

I asked if she was supposed to go with them…..She didn't know.

I asked again if she was scared of them.. She laughed and said “Well, they shouldn't be staring at me”!

I laughed at loud at her silliness. Not staring at someone was a lesson she had taught me long ago…I just said “No they shouldn't be”! ….She smiled back.

I fell asleep beside her, but she was constantly tapping my head with her hand….reaching for something. I would nod in and out, grabbing her hand as needed. I told myself that this was her payback for all of the times I had irritated her.

This morning/afternoon, prior to leaving for my flight, I cuddled to her again. I felt blessed to be able to tell her how much I love her, how much I will miss her, and how much it kills me to tear myself away from her. I held tight to her, wrapping my arms around her waist, her arms, and even her face….all places that cause her pain when touched at times.

I cried so hard at times, that I felt like when the time came, I would be physically unable to get up….

I hardly got a word from her. Instead I got so much more. Each time my body convulsed with tears, her arm moved weakly in my direction….with such love….with such purpose. She would squeeze my arm, or stroke my hair two or three times to allow me to know…SHE COULD HEAR ME!!!

I thank god again…for this moment. As my heart ached, my mouth was smiling. I had been given so much!!!

I finally pulled myself up to go…

Recently, a fellow blogging friend of mine, tric, ( if you click on her name you can view her site) who is going through a similar situation in her own life, suggested something different for my departure with my mama, and I thank her immensely for this advice! I took it!

I whispered in my mamas ear that I would never say good bye, but I will see ya later!…She smiled again.

Before I left, I was drawn back to her room again. She turned her head toward me, as I squeezed her hand. I told her I love her again. As I viewed her pained, weak, and tired body one last time, suddenly something my son once said popped into my head.

I squeezed her hand one last time and reminded her of when she was hurting so badly, during her chemotherapy sessions. I recalled for her that card my son Harley had sent to her during that time. He wrote to her a phrase that has been used multiple times in sports, but took on a new meaning for her.

I said these last words, as I left her side…..

PAIN, IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY…..

I WILL FOREVER KNOW THAT SHE IS ONE STRONG LADY, WHO IS VERY MUCH LOVED BY ALL WHO KNOW HER:)

 

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14 thoughts on “PAIN IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY

  1. Oh my goodness. I am so sorry you must feel so broken. Words fail me. I am so glad you said “see ya”. As I say it is common over here but for me it is much less final. Catch your breath and get comfort and strength from those who are near you.
    As for my little warrior… What a week we have had. This night last week he was seriously ill, barely awake and struggling with a virus which was invading all his organs. All thoughts were negative and his mum had some awful conversations with Doctors and family. However since Sunday he has woken up, eaten for the first time in nine weeks, and today attempted to stand. Results still not overly promising but it has been a brilliant week for his mum and dad. Mind yourself, I’ll be thinking of you. I feel a candle coming on!

    • I’m going to have to start sending you money for all those candles:) thank you again for your words, and I hope you enjoy every moment you have with that little man.

  2. Aw, Tia! My heart breaks for you and all the emotions you have had to face! Leaving her side had to have the hardest thing you have ever done! You know that she would want you to return to your family and your job. I’m surprised she hadn’t kicked you out sooner!! πŸ™‚ she has never been one to be a burden to anyone and that probably nags at her somewhere in her mind. Hug Renee and your kids extra tight!! Thank YOU for writing the update, and enjoy that extra glass if wine as we toast your mama and my dear friend.

  3. Your strength, courage, love and beautiful soul are blowing me away. I’m grateful you are sharing this with us. It somehow helps me with dealing with the passing of my father-in-law.

    • It is usually very uncomfortable to share my feelings actually. This has been very healing for me, and I hope it may give some sort of inspiration to someone who needs it. Thank you for following along:)

    • I’m so glad that you got something from it. That’s part of the reason I wrote down the words at all. I’m sorry your having to deal with whatever you have on your plate right now, and I hope your heart starts mending soon. Sending hugs your direction:)

  4. Oh my god, I can’t stop crying. A year ago my dad passed away and these moments you are sharing with your mama totally take me back. It’s been so hard and I think about him every day but I know that after years of suffering he is in a better place now. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. And by the way, it is totally ok to cry…

    • I have come across so many people that have had the same thing happen in their own lives. My heart goes out to you, because I DEFINATELY know what it feels like. I feel glad to have been on here at this time, because I have had so many kind people share their own stories, and it makes me feel embraced, and not alone. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. It’s people like you that help me through my own struggles πŸ™‚

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