As I took each sip of the TALL IPA beer I ordered at the airport, my body began to numb. My thoughts went to my good friend Dusty, who turned me on to this beer not long ago. I felt happy about this numbness, and felt thankful for her beer encouragement:)
First my feet…then my hands…then my body…then my brain……….But it NEVER numbed my HEART!!!!
I just left my Mama P….
I can honestly say, as I pulled myself away from her bedside, the wind was knocked out of me! It felt like someone had taken a hit, deep onto my abdomen, grabbing a hold of my heart along the way…. and wouldn't let go…..
Yesterday I bought a plane ticket to head back home. The minute I pushed the submit button, I was full of sadness and indifference. I didnt want to leave her like this….not until the end. I felt a pull to be with my family, and I knew I would have to return to work at some point, but I didn't want to say goodbye…. But I knew I never would.
Knowing my time was short, I snuggled with her again last night. She was semi awake and was fighting with confusion and some hallucinations. She saw people standing at her bedside…..people I couldn't see.
I asked her if she knew who they were.
She said she didn't know, but one looked like a guy that my dad used to go to school with.
I asked if they were scaring her……She shrugged.
I asked if she was supposed to go with them…..She didn't know.
I asked again if she was scared of them.. She laughed and said “Well, they shouldn't be staring at me”!
I laughed at loud at her silliness. Not staring at someone was a lesson she had taught me long ago…I just said “No they shouldn't be”! ….She smiled back.
I fell asleep beside her, but she was constantly tapping my head with her hand….reaching for something. I would nod in and out, grabbing her hand as needed. I told myself that this was her payback for all of the times I had irritated her.
This morning/afternoon, prior to leaving for my flight, I cuddled to her again. I felt blessed to be able to tell her how much I love her, how much I will miss her, and how much it kills me to tear myself away from her. I held tight to her, wrapping my arms around her waist, her arms, and even her face….all places that cause her pain when touched at times.
I cried so hard at times, that I felt like when the time came, I would be physically unable to get up….
I hardly got a word from her. Instead I got so much more. Each time my body convulsed with tears, her arm moved weakly in my direction….with such love….with such purpose. She would squeeze my arm, or stroke my hair two or three times to allow me to know…SHE COULD HEAR ME!!!
I thank god again…for this moment. As my heart ached, my mouth was smiling. I had been given so much!!!
I finally pulled myself up to go…
Recently, a fellow blogging friend of mine, tric, ( if you click on her name you can view her site) who is going through a similar situation in her own life, suggested something different for my departure with my mama, and I thank her immensely for this advice! I took it!
I whispered in my mamas ear that I would never say good bye, but I will see ya later!…She smiled again.
Before I left, I was drawn back to her room again. She turned her head toward me, as I squeezed her hand. I told her I love her again. As I viewed her pained, weak, and tired body one last time, suddenly something my son once said popped into my head.
I squeezed her hand one last time and reminded her of when she was hurting so badly, during her chemotherapy sessions. I recalled for her that card my son Harley had sent to her during that time. He wrote to her a phrase that has been used multiple times in sports, but took on a new meaning for her.
I said these last words, as I left her side…..
PAIN, IS JUST WEAKNESS LEAVING THE BODY…..
I WILL FOREVER KNOW THAT SHE IS ONE STRONG LADY, WHO IS VERY MUCH LOVED BY ALL WHO KNOW HER:)