I slept until noon today…that is, after I got my kids to school. I haven't been sleeping well since being home from Texas, though I could desperately use at least 5 hours, in a row, of REM sleep.
Each night, I am exhausted, and waiting for sleep, but each night I am anxious….waiting for that text or phone call, that says my Mama P has left this world.
While we all know those words will be spoken, there will never be any way to prepare ourselves for the finality in that statement alone. I picture it as the final turn of the knife…..the knife that has been sticking in our hearts for some time now.
The amazing part of this whole journey is that while I am very saddened, my thoughts continue to reflect back on the positive things and helpful people that have remained constant in this process.
I have become so thankful for so many things in my life…things that so often I take for granted.
It has become clear to me that despite the fact that we live in a world of hatred, greed, and selfishness, there are amazing people surrounding me at all times, that I never choose to notice. These may be people I know minimally, or even strangers that have offered me a hand to hold onto, in times when I've lost my balance, in the last few weeks. This to me is unprompted kindness, especially when the person had no idea they were helping me at all.
I had a chance to talk with a man recently, who I share a common interest with, though I honestly have never taken the time to know him. He is a man that also called Patty mom, though we are of no relation at all. While in Texas, I usually took my time to grieve when I was alone. I do not like for people to see me cry. Although to me it was clear that I wanted to be alone, he seemed to hover around me…. and then finally he trapped me outside.
This is a man who says very few words ever. He sat in quiet for a moment, before saying the words “I'm just going to vent. ….and he did. This was the most words I had ever heard him speak, and have a good inclination that it will be the most he ever does. He talked about his own mothers death from cancer, the loss of his brother due to a drowning, the loss of his marriage, and the near loss of his own children…..and now a second mother….Patty.
He told me how healing my words were to him, because he could relate, and he asked me to keep writing. As he told me his own story, my own eyes filled with tears. You see, he too had his eyes opened, during his process. He was looking for knowledge amongst his never ending grief….and he found it. He too was lucky enough to see the work that God was doing, and could see past his own life's chaos, and through his tears. He has become a stronger man.
Though we didnt embrace, probably due to the full hydrant of tears we were both holding back, we shared an important moment. I will remember that moment always.
In addition to this moment, I have also become lucky enough to get to talk to, and share feelings with two other ladies who I do have relation to, but I never really knew well. Both of them are my aunts from different sides.
One of my aunts is Pattys sister, who I have only met a handful of times. I feel confident that after our long chats on and off through this process, we can form a lasting relationship. I am very hopeful of this reunion, as she is Pattys only remaining family member, and we are a huge family that is wanting to embrace her and make her a part of our own.
The other is my Aunt Rhonda, who has been my pillar of strength and a Godsend in my personal opinion. She got to Texas the same day I did, and agreed to stay with my Dad until the end. I don't know what we would do without her. She is very humbled and doesn't want us carrying on about her, but this woman will be in my heart until the end of my days.
She has listened to countless hours of my dads tears and ranting, and heard a good handful of my own. She never got ruffled, she went without sleep, and she took time away from her own husband and family to be there with her brother. She is so selfless, and I feel blessed to have gotten to know her, not only in times of stress, but also in our moments of downtime, where we just talked about our lives. My heart goes out to her during these last few stressful hours, also waiting anxiously for those words…and then being the rock that my dad will need so much.
While I feel so lucky to have had these moments with these new people that have become dear to my heart, I also have not lost sight of the ones that were ALREADY dear to my heart….
I feel so grateful for each one of these people. I appreciate the kind words, positive thoughts, candle lightings, and hugs that have been sent to me by so many of you. I appreciate the friends and family that have called me at times when they could sense my pain, and know that I needed to talk, vent, or just cry into the receiver.
Today though, I want to just give a special shout out to these friends of mine who know me so well. The ones that know I will get lost in my own grief and sadness, without the occasional occurance of laughter. I simply cannot live without laughter. I just want these people to know how thankful I am that you took the time to play “would you rather” games with me on the phone. I appreciate the animal trivia that was thrown my way, or answered if I gave it. I appreciate the funny pictures sent to me of weird people taking selfies of themselves in the shower, and I even appreciate the stories told about your own horrible, yet comical lives, that would somehow make mine seem better. I simply appreciate you making me smile and laugh even when it seemed I couldn't. These people have a special place in my heart:)
On Saturday, I thought I would hear the dreaded words that would tell me my mama was gone. Sunday, I was sure I'd hear the same. Today, I've waited with the phone by my ear, for those words I don't want to hear.
Regardless of when this happens, my heart will be only HALF full of tears, because the other half is full of LOVE:)