Emotions seem to be all over the place, despite the fact that almost every moment of time is filled. It's an expectation to be sad and tearful when someone close to you dies. People say they're sorry, give you hugs, and try to sense what you may be needing. Once the goodbyes are given, its expected that we move on. The empathy is suddenly gone, and we need to move on with our lives.
I agree with this in a sense! After all, who wants to sit around crying about things every minute of every day. It's depressing for starters, plus nothing can be done about the circumstances anyway. Unfortunately, the sadness still looms. The loss is still present.
We go on, but with never ending, passing thoughts continuing to invade our brains….the part of the brain that is connected directly to our hearts! We laugh, we play, we do our regular day to day process, until something disrupts it. A song, a photo, an old race shirt, a recipe, a missed phone call, or simply silence. Tears well up, because it still stings, but we don't have time to focus on that anymore….we are expected to move on. So we dry our eyes, and fill the silence, pushing the thoughts to the back. They aren't forgotten, but instead, begin to recur even more frequently.
As the sadness gets pushed to the back corner of our minds, the emotion builds. This emotion does not necessarily appear to others to be feelings of sadness, but instead shows itself as anger, annoyance, impatience, and intolerance. Tears fall easily, showing sensitivity, and even more anger, but the reality is hidden so far beneath. The reality is sadness. The reality is loss.
This is a feeling of indifference, one that is not so easy to remedy. Normally the task of sorting through thoughts and feelings, reevaluating, and then evaluating again, leads to positive results with some sort of answer. Here, there is no answer. It's uncharted territory.
Finding the balance between going on and standing still is a sort of maze that is completely unclear. There is enough knowledge to be aware that this feeling will ease with time, the maze will become easier to navigate through, and there will be a newer, different ending….. One that balances the past and the future.
There is enough sadness to wonder how that can be.
The questions are many, the answers are few.
I continue to remind myself that compassion for ourselves is key, and time is second best. For now, I guess that will have to do.