Some days when I take off running, it seems fairly easy for me to talk myself into stopping, or at least slowing down. Like most runners, some days aren't as good as other days. I get tired, or winded, or maybe I didnt eat well enough for the longevity of it. Sometimes its related to the fact that I simply don't want to do it in the first place.
These days are expected, they are normal, and I seldom ever let them get me down. After all, I ended up doing it anyway, against my own will.
Recently, I have felt strong physically, but have been emotionally weak. Though I have tried not to, I have been bottling up ALOT of emotions. Running really helps me to blow off ALOT of steam, it leaves me alone with my thoughts, and its also healthier than drinking wine all day. 🙂
Lately, I have gotten lost in the run. These jogs have shown themselves to have purpose, and I have forgotten all about the physical ailments. Instead, what I've found to be the most difficult, is fighting through the emotional tears…..something that I haven't often dealt with, while just trying to get a jog in. However, this seems to be the time that my body is screaming to release all of its energy and emotion.
Most of the time I listen to upbeat music, something that really gets me pepped up and going…something that makes me energetic and happy! Other times, I need soft, calming music to help get me where I'm going. Today, I found myself listening to music that was sad…music that was reflective of my feelings.
I wasn't in any sort of race today. I had no interest in breaking any sort of records. I just needed to run. I set myself into a pace, and I drowned myself in my music. It was overwhelmingly loud, speaking directly to my soul. Several songs I replayed, just to allow the lyrics to ring into my brain.
For a minute, I wondered what the others around me were thinking. Tears had welled up in my eyes, and my breath had become labored. Not labored like when you've exerted yourself too much, but the kind that happens when you could use an inhaler or small paper bag to help you breathe. It wasnt even a second or two that I looked around at the others, before I was drawn back to my own reality.
I never payed attention to how fast I was going, or how far. I was so intently focused on my thoughts, that I forgot where I even was. With each step and each word of each song, my emotions would rise. I thought I was probably harboring feelings of sadness, maybe grief that I hadn't entirely sorted through. Instead, as my breathing became heavier, and as I fought back the tears that I so desperatley needed to let go, it became clear to me that I was NOT releasing feelings of sadness….but anger!
I allowed my thoughts to go free. I continued to fight back tears and tried to take deep breaths to get me through the lack of oxygen I was suffering, and I just kept going.
I wasn't angry that she was gone. I think I had braced myself for that. I was angry about what should have happened before she left this world. How she should have been treated better, how much more time should have been set aside for her, how I should have answered that phone every time she called, instead of claiming to be so busy.
I was angry about the unkind words that were sometimes spoken to her…spoken to me, and in a time of such sensitivity. In all the time I was grieving during the proces of her death and even thereafter, I carried my own natural sadness, my own burden, and then the anger and stress of others on my shoulders. I didn't realize how much it had built up until now. My mind was racing faster than my legs, and at points I felt like if I stopped running, I would drop down into a pool of my own tears….with only strangers around me. So, I kept going….
Before I knew it, I had breezed through 5 miles, at a nine minute pace. I slowed a bit for a cool down and ended up running 6.2. It felt good, both on physical and emotional levels. Its amazing how quickly I will slow my regime, if I'm physically ailing, but push through it when I'm emotionally ailing. It just goes to show that this sport is all mental.
I needed to let go of things today, for whatever reason. I fear though, that I have ALOT more runs and self pep talks in order, to get me back on track. I often lecture people about how harboring anger hurts yourself, more than other people. I have always been good at letting things go, even if some things take me a little longer than others. I have faith that this too will pass.
Until then…. I'm just going to enjoy the painless training:)