death, family, healing, running

I’m Sorry…..

I'm sorry I don't write about you very often.

You always feared that when you were gone, I would stop writing about you. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but I can't live in that state of sadness. I would lose myself entirely……But you already know that.

I'm sorry I don't look at your picture every day.

People are still reading the sad pieces that I wrote about you, as you were preparing to leave this earth. Part of me wants to read them again, just to keep you near. The other part knows the reality. Every time I glance at a picture of you, my heart sinks and I have a moment of what I only know to call “fear”! It still doesn't seem as though you're gone, until the picture reminds me.

I'm sorry that I think of you more now, than I did when you were here.

Not a day goes by where you aren't in my thoughts. Somedays I think of you more than other days. The days when I'm left alone with my own thoughts, seem to be the days that I realize I'm broken. I haven't made it through one day by myself, without the flow of at least a handful of tears. I listen to music often, and sometimes it reminds me of you. Music is always so healing to me, and I often replay this song called “I'm in here” by Sia, because it reflects my own feelings somehow. I feel overcome by sadness frequently, and I wonder if anyone can hear me?! It makes me wonder if this is what you felt at the end of your days, and that makes me sad again.

I'm sorry I refuse to get in that car of yours.

It sits outside in my driveway everyday, pleading to be driven. Every time I leave my house or come home, that car is a constant reminder that you aren't driving it. It seems silly, but I've grown to hate that car! Its just a materialistic item, yet it carries so much more weight than that for me.

I'm sorry that I continue to run, without you beside me.

Of course that's what you would have wanted. Since you've been gone, I haven't ran one time without you in my brain. So, I guess you really are beside me. I can't manage an entire run, without welling up with tears, and swallowing them down in between breaths. I wonder how many more times I will have to run, before this feeling stops. I don't ever want to stop listening to the songs that remind me so much of you, but I admit that it hurts my heart each time I hear them. If you were here, you would laugh and say “Then stop listening to them silly”, but something about listening to them, makes me feel like I'm healing in some fashion. I listened to the song “Hurt“, by Christina Aguilera about 6 times today, throughout my run and thereafter, and I long to speak to you again.

I'm sorry I have responded to your leaving with resentment and angst.

You would have not wanted this. I admit I'm struggling to find myself right now. Though I didn't see you frequently, due to your distance away from me, something about your lack of presence is tearing me down. I'm resilient and I bounce back, but I don't like to accept help from others. This leaves me feeling a little bitter and angry, and often leads me to being overly sensitive and short to those I love. I promise I'm working on it, but I still have so much to work through.

I'm sorry to have lost your scent.

I have several items of clothing that I took from your house, after you had moved on from this life. Something was comforting about putting them on. I knew they were items you wore, and they still smelled like you. You would have liked that we took the clothes, and you would have wanted us to wear them….it would have been important to you. However, the more I wear them, the less they smell like you, and more like me. I miss your smell, your smile…..just you!

I promise to stay positive and strong. I promise to write about you again, but it can't always be like this. I promise to hug each and every person that we mutually love, whenever I can. I know I am going to have good days…. and I'm going to have bad days.

For today though, I'm just feeling sorry. Sorry for you, and sorry for me.

 

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19 thoughts on “I’m Sorry…..

  1. Hugs! I am missing her every day. Each time her handwriting crosses my desk I can feel the stab it puts in my heart. I wish I had called her more, texted her more, etc. and I get a little upset with her because she’s not here to talk to when I could sure use her opinion and more than that, her shoulder! This whole life thing is getting too complicated! 🍷🍷🍷

  2. I dread to look into the future. I got advice online here on wordpress once. The comment was, “look no further than today, we can usually get through today”. I am working hard to follow this advice. Best wishes. Grieving is so wearying, sad and time consuming!

    • It really is. We are in slightly different time frames in our grieving process, but that process seems so long!……and I’m so sorry for your loss. I think the surprising thing is that when I think I’m done crying…..I’m not even close! I feel so strong some days, and others I am extremely overwhelmed with grief! I’m sure we will both heal in time, but its nice to talk to someone who understands! Thank you tric!

      • Worryingly I haven’t begun to really cry yet. I momentarily bawled when I saw the small white coffin but I’m sure there is a waterfall still in there. It’s scary wondering what grief lies ahead.

      • I’m sending you the longest, biggest hug right now! Right now you are meant to be strong for your friend, but your tears will find you when it’s time! You’re a wonderful friend for them to have right now…..and for me too!

  3. This was beautiful, so poignant. We lost my baby brother a few months ago and sometimes the emotion consumes me. And others days it’s okay. I assume there will always be an empty space and am learning to be at peace with that. Sending you good energy as you heal!

    • Thank you my friend! I assume those marks are hugs, in which I accept and appreciate! If that isn’t what it was though……do you mind just pretending that’s what it meant! 🙂

  4. Thank you for this Tia. So beautifully expressed and it’s just so damn hard. And every day is different, some sad, many peaceful, some busy, some waaay too quiet… sending much love.

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