food, friendship, funny, homosexuality, humor, society

To Be Gay…Or Not To Be…

In the past, I have talked about how I consider myself to be a feminine, delicate flower. I always like to make sure that I look like a lady, and even go to serious extremes to put pink in my attire, just in case there is any confusion. I never want anyone to look at me and say…..”Is that a man”?, or be able to peg me as anything other than lipstick/high heel wearing lesbian…..even on my worst days.

The truth is, I often find many of the things that “gay'” people do ridiculous. For instance, I would never feel it would be necessary for me to showcase my sexuality in the form of a sticker on the windshield of my car…..Unless I wanted people to stare at me and/or wanted to watch them slowly roll down their windows, while slowly pushing the pistol they are holding out, and in my direction. Also, I would never line up in the gay pride parade wearing nothing but a skimpy outfit, and a rainbow flag around my neck for a cape, while riding around on roller skates, and walking my poodle. I just dont think its necessary.

Don't get me wrong, if someone feels it IS necessary, to get their point across….Great! I say to each their own, but it isn't my forte. I dont want to be noticed merely because of my sexuality. I have more than that to offer. The point is, I often times do not side with my same sex admiring peers. I don't often get offended by people's views or comments, and on most days I may even laugh along with the judgements that people place on this group of people. However, every once in awhile, I hear a view point or perspective that amuses me in a different way. It may not even be the comment itself, but I find it comical when someone is so willing to make a statement as such, when I am standing in earshot, and they are completely aware of my debilitating, cursed disease of the lesbian.

I was hearing a story recently about a homosexual and heterosexual having to share a room together overnight. Though they were friends/acquaintances, when the heterosexual took a shower, the door was locked tightly, to prevent anything “BAD” from happening.?! Sleep was then disturbed, due to worry that something “funny” may come about, when the lights were turned down.

First of all, I doubt there was as much fear in that room than was described to others. Rather than being judged and laughed at by others, that person felt more comfortable making fun of their friend, feigning fear. After I listened to this ridiculous story, I asked if that is what people think of, when they have to stay alone with me. Do they fear that when the lights are off, I may reach over and caress their thigh? Do they think that as soon as they get in the shower, that I will take my first opportunity to look through the key hole of the bathroom door? That this is the opportunity I have been waiting for, for the entire duration of our friendship? I started to wonder if all my attempts at refreshing my lipstick, wearing dangly earrings, and squeezing into flattering, form fitting skinny jeans were only for my own benefit. Maybe my lifestyle has me stamped with with a plague that I can never rid of??

That same night, I met my good friend out for her birthday. Not being completely defeated by my previous thought process, I dolled myself up again. Lipstick, lacey tank, lacy sweater, tall boots, skinny jeans, and earrings. I looked exactly what I thought a girl hanging out with her friend would look like. We had a fabulous time nibbling on beet salads and baked octopus, while sipping on some fancy cocktails. We laughed with the local hippies, borrowed eyeglasses from the blind hip and cool retro wearing gentlemen, and I even got an autograph from a random man next to me, who said he was in a cool band! With all the fun we were having, mixed with the foul gas and/or full bowel movement that was expelled from the eccentric man next to us, I was beginning to forget about my earlier stressors all together.

It was nice to talk with the locals. I could throw my head back and giggle, flutter my eyelashes, take sips of my drink with my little pinky out, and just feel like a woman. No one could tell my sexuality….could they? Afterall, the gassy, halitosissy man, wearing a sweatshirt with an animated mouse on the front had just made fun of my lacy sweater, and lack of cleavage…..basically saying I was a prude. Lesbians aren't prudes are they? I felt confident that I was fitting in….No one was in fear of me putting the moves on them, if we happened to be in the bathroom at the same time! I felt confident again.

THEN it happened…

A new man walked in, chit chatting about his kids and asking random questions to bystanders. He then looked at my friend and I and asked….”Where did you two meet….Search”?

Was he suggesting that I looked up my friend on the computer? Or worse…Did he think we were on a date, and that we found each other on line? Who asks that question? Earlier thoughts came flooding into my mind! I hadnt been out in awhile, but surely this isnt a common question asked! That could only mean one thing….There is No amount of makeup or earrings that will cover up that gay stamp! I am branded!

What Ive come to realize in this whole dilemma is…Im gay. While I guess Ive known this for some time, I havent embraced the title. The sooner I start putting the moves on my friends in hotel rooms, and the sooner I get the stickers on my car, the sooner I think I will accept it. Wish me luck….!


26 thoughts on “To Be Gay…Or Not To Be…

  1. Lmbo! See, now I’m offended you haven’t put the moves on me! Apparently I haven’t been turning the lights down far enough! πŸ™‚ Okay, seriously, it never crossed my mind that any of my gay friends were just waiting for the opportunity to peek thru the keyhole, uh, someone obviously has issues, and this time it’s not me! πŸ™‚

  2. Mary Lynn says:

    You crack me up – what you put out in the world that makes sense, makes laughter happen and brings reality to my life… love it and you!!

  3. TartanJogger says:

    Some folk’s brain processes are just weird! None of those thoughts have ever crossed my mind! I guess it takes all sorts- offensive folks included. And for me, it’s about being comfortable being me, you being comfortable being you, and them being comfortable being them: which some of them, obviously, aren’t!

    • I think that its partially due to ignorance, but mostly fear. People are so scared that their sexuality will be judged by others, if they are left alone with these “sexual deviants”! So, they just make fun of it first! You’re right! They are uncomfortable in their own skin! I’m glad you and I are so well put together….aren’t you? πŸ˜‰

  4. Funny! Some people thought I was gay before I got married. I used to play it right up too, just for laughs. Plus, living in sydney, it used to get me into the nicest clubs with the hottest looking chicks. Now that I’m ‘outed’ as a hetero, married and with kids, I’d be lucky to be allowed into the local pub!

    • Lol! See, now you are a man who is comfortable in his own skin. You used this ridicule to your own benefit! I LIKE IT! We need more men like you that feel comfortable being viewed as gay, just to score some chicks! πŸ™‚ Is that how you scored your wife?

      • Oh, no. May wife was the hottest looking chick in first year law school. So I just stalked her until she gave up and went out with me – but only because she couldn’t be bothered with the hassles of getting a restraining order!

  5. Tia, Tia, Tia, why must everything be about you? LOL,! Maybe it was her! She had the “gay” stamp! Personally I am more horrified that I might have friends who would expect me to taste a beet salad or baked octopus than peep thru a keyhole! Pretty sad someone is so unsure of their own sexuality and unable to embrace and love themselves isn’t it? Oh well, not a problem for me, I’m out and proud! I’m a short , overweight, squishy, warm , loving ,beautiful human being ! So watch out chubby chasers, I love me as I am! And I am out there for the judging. I don’t give a shit what you think. Tia, you are a warm, loving, caring,free spirited person, any other “title” you embrace only adds to your enchantment !

    • Lol! Well after you’ve described yourself, I may be chaing after you myself! Thanks for the compliments Jackie! I feel pretty content with myself….label or not! I really am kind of enchanting! I like that word!! πŸ™‚

  6. Oh man, just when I thought it was safe to go on a destination race trip with you, you decide to embrace your gayness and make me worry about you putting moves on me.


    I’m pretty dense when it comes to gaydar. Unless it’s a gay man who is sashaying around in a boa singing Ethyl Merman, I’ve no clue.

    I love what Jackie wrote above about not wanting her friends to make her eat beets or squid.

  7. This was an extremely clever, amusing way to talk about this. People get so ridiculous around homosexuality. They act as if every rule, manner, common human decency that they’ve picked up over their lifetime is suddenly irrelevant in the presence of this new creature.

    I’m happy you got a laugh out of it. Heterosexual people have stereotypes too, and most of them are benign and ridiculous!

    • Lol! Thanks!! Most of the time I can see the comedy in it, but every once in awhile the ridiculousness makes me want to point it out!! πŸ™‚ thanks for stopping by! πŸ™‚

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