As each year passes, I notice changes that I can not control. Of course there are my body changes….things start sagging more, my pants fit differently, and my chronic acne stays prevalent, despite the fact that new wrinkles are appearing daily. Aside from the physical changes though, I have noticed huge increases in mood swings. I sometimes change from a sweet cherub, willing to do anything for anyone, at anytime to a sort of monster, that will bear teeth and growl, in only a matter of minutes. I feel like my head could spin right off at times, and the only thing even remotely comparable, would be that of a hormonal teenage girl, that EVERYONE is fearful to approach.
This weekend, my entire family was home. We had nowhere to travel, no one had to work, and the kids had no activities planned. I had been sleeping plenty, so I woke up happy. I was feeling so grateful for this wonderful family, and was really looking forward to spending the day with them. My eyes sparkled when I looked at them…they were breathtaking to look at. Even their minor bickering bothered me little….Those little rascals are always pestering one another, after all.
We had planned to dress up in fancy duds, go to a fancy dinner, and then follow it up at the dollar theater, after we used up all of our money at the fancy dinner. It was so sweet watching them get all done up in their fancy clothes. The boys had their hair gelled up, button up shirts tucked appropriately in thier kakis, and smiles of angels. The girls took a little longer, especially my little one, who was trying to make herself into a DIVA, which is what she longs to be.
After I got them mostly put together, I started on myself. We were in kind of a time crunch, so whatever happened after I finished with them, due to Renees lack of detail orientation, got missed…..
As we hurriedly got out of the car to make our reservation time, I noticed that my son had chosen a pair of raggedy old tennis shoes to go with his fancy attire. Normally, this would have made me crazy. However, since I was feeling so grateful for him that day, I made a flippant remark about his poor choice of shoes, and moved on from it…
Once inside, I noticed that my 7 year old daughter had mascara smeared under and on top of both of her eyelids, on her nose, and on her cheeks. I immediately recalled that I told her she could NOT wear make up today, aside from a little lip gloss. I recalled having a whole conversation with her regarding it, after she cried and said “I just want to be like YOU”. I patiently told her that she was naturally beautiful, and she should enjoy it while she can. Yet, here we stood. Her lack of listening skills infuriates me most of the time, but on this day, I quietly told her to go wash it off, as we waited in line. She, not so quietly, started crying, saying those were just bags under her eyes. While a tiny bit of irritation started setting in, there was also amusement. I simply got down to her level, and reminded her that I could see bags on part of her nose and face as well, and suggested again that she wash it off. Reluctantly she went, and we had no further issues. My calmness was almost scary.
We enjoyed the remainder of our family night….Watching movies, posing for photos, laughing, and having fun. Then, I went to sleep. Heres where something happens in the elements…where something changes in my body….where my reactions switch gears. Most of the time, I equate these changes with hormones, but Im beginning to feel as though hormones may be used a scapegoat, more than necessary….
The next day, I had to wake up at 5:30am, which is enough to get me started down a negative path to begin with. As usual, I was running late, which adds to my irritations. As I was hurrying to get my belongings into my bag, I smelled poop. I did a few sniffs in the air, but I didnt know where it could have been coming from. Next, I saw a smushed dog turd on the floor beside me, and anger started to rise. I didnt have time for this, but I wondered who was the one who stepped on it……A moment later, I realized it was naturally….ME! After Renee cleaned off my shoe, while I was ranting about the dogs and their issues, I was out the door in a rage….
I was treated in a less than perfect manner at work, and came home exhausted, with little tolerance for anything. Upon my arrival to my backdoor, I saw a dryer sitting outside. I found out that our dryer broke, we had to buy a new one, its too cold to remove the old one from our back yard, and that we already had spent all of our money on that fancy dinner the night before…Fabulous!
Since then, there have been more delays and school closings. My boys keep arguing over the remote, the girls wont stop wrestling and screaming at each other, sounding as though they are about ready to cave through the floor boards, and my youngest daughter wont stop saying “Mama can I”?, knowing beforehand my answer will be no, and then cries “WHY” and “So do you mean I can”?, each time I say it. My house is in disarray, its too cold to go outside, and I just need a moment without noise. Even as I sit here writing, each child has taken a plate a food, sat down right beside me, one at a time, and chewed their food loudly, while smacking their lips….JUST TO WATCH ME LOSE CONTROL!
Sigh….I wonder, is it hormones? OR…Is it a case of ENVIRONMENTALLY induced pychosis??