Ive never heard of someone being paralyzed from the waist up, or at least Ive never met anyone claiming to have it. However today, I feel as though I have acquired this debilitating disorder (minus the use of my hands….for typing of course).
Yesterdays festivities have rendered me useless. I awoke feeling as though I had been beat in the back of the head with a police wand….
What festivities?….. You may have assumed that I stayed up too late watching the Superbowl, and all the joys it had to offer. Perhaps you think I may have torn a ligament or some cartilege, in response to all of the cheering, fist pumping, and massive amount of couch jumping, while watching the replays of such a fascinating game. Maybe you are simply nodding your head in unison with me, thinking “Oh, I know how you feel…I had one too many beverages myself”!……Well you would be wrong!
Yesterday, I met with my family for my neices 1st birthday party. Dont get me wrong, we had plenty of wine to cheers the fact that she has lived a full year in this family, but that isn't what's caused my current demise.
The thing is, my mother gets bright ideas almost everytime we are together. Most of the time, her ideas lead to someone getting hurt, and other times….they just dont make sense.
Take for instance her fascination with having us all put our foreheads together when taking a family picture. This seems fairly painless, if you don't consider the looks of onlookers, who are quickly gathering their children to safety. We all try to tell her we would rather not, but her persistence always pays off. Plus….secretly, it is somewhat amusing. 🙂
Yesterday, her persistance paid off again, though I was much more reluctant to follow through. I almost volunteered to do a whole photo shoot, with every member of my family placing their forehead on mine, and even considered going the extra mile and suggest we wear “old time western wear”, just to get out of it…..but I didnt want to be considered a chicken.
For the past week, she has been filling our heads, and telling us ahead of time, that we all need to come up with a different gymnastics routine, so that we would have something different to do on our next camp trip this spring. We all said we would, knowing we wouldnt be practicing the routine until she MADE us, at the next family event….AND here we were.
Her first idea was reasonable. She would perform a forward roll, while someone else did a cartwheel over the top of her at the same time. She quickly got a volunteer for that stunt, knowing that the stunts would only get worse from there. However, my sister didn't bank on the fact that my mom cant do a forward roll, and only rotates sideways, resulting in my sister hitting her head on my moms head, and possibly causing a concussion, that we all knew would never be checked.
Next….tripod handstands. I admitted I was good at these, so I got the part…SO did my already concussed sister. The task seemed simple enough. All we had to do was balance in a synchronized fashion….That is, until she became bored watching that stunt! It wasnt fancy enough for her liking.
So, this time, she wanted us to balance in our headstands, while facing each other, and then slowly, with our toes pointed, reach a leg toward each other to intertwine them…..Clearly we werent trained for this, and since I didnt want to risk my sister falling on me, I quickly fell in her direction, leading to a possible pubic bone fracture, that would still not keep her from performing. As you may have figured, this too, did not meet my mothers performance standards, so she added even more.
Lastly, and for the most daring part of that stunt, she wanted us to balance in the headstands, with our legs in a VEE, and then stay steady enough for my tiny, 100 lb sister in law to do the splits between us, using our nethers as a balance beam!! This didnt sound like a good idea to me from the start….NO ONE cared what I thought.
As I tried to focus on balancing, my sister in law was sadly placed upon my loins. Immediately, I felt immense pain and started to see black spots. I started to panic when I realized that either my spine had just separated from my brainstem, the nerves to my eyes had just been severed, or I was bleeding to death externally from somewhere I couldnt see. Either way, I knew my consciousness was going in and out, and I quit immediately. After moving all of my extremities, I felt certain that I, at the very least, had been concussed.
I was much more hesitant in doing any further stunts after this. I participated, reluctantly, in a few more dangerous feats of strength, before quitting all together. After my mom and family taunted me about being a quitter, my mother allowed for others to try out, to find a repacement for my role as the tripod handstandist, that holds up people with their strong genitals. Normally, this would bother me, but I was concussed, and probably should have been wearing a neck brace. I watched as so many others tried out, and then fractured their necks too…. I never once felt bad about giving up my role.
Did we have a ball?….Absolutely! Did anyone have to go to the hospital?….Surprisingly, No. Did we ever see one of our children…even once, during these feats of strength???….They were too frightened.
The problem is NOT that these acts aren't good ideas…they are! The problem is that we are all aging, and our bones, muscles, cartilage and ligaments dont move that way anymore…at least not the way they should. In just a couple of weeks, I will be turning an entire year older. The sooner I get that in my mind, the better. However, Im starting to believe that it doesnt matter how old we get… This family wont quit until someone's spine ACTUALLY breaks!!
Until then…..Im going to rest my neck!