Ive come to know you better than anyone else in the world. Ive worked hard to figure out both your inner and outer workings, though I am certain I have a long way to go. You are a very complex person. So much so, that I often wonder if people take note of it….if they can see you the way I do. Besides you, I have never had one person give me the vast variety of feelings that you often give me. Some people make me happy, some people make me sad, some people make me angry, but you….
Sometimes you make me so happy, that I feel like I could burst open and only sunshine would remain. You make me feel like I can accomplish anything with you on my side. You help me to visualize only positive thoughts and push me to reach further so I can get better outcomes, and see myself in a better light. Every ounce of energy and strength that this gives me, I owe to you.
Sometimes you make me feel beautiful. On these days, when I look at myself through your eyes, I wish I could stay there forever. You make me embrace myself and accept my shortcomings, despite my attempts to tear myself down. You make me like me for me.
Sometimes you make me feel love. You make me see the beauty all around me, and allow me to see how many things I love. On these days, you make me see how much I have been given, and it makes me feel lucky for everyone and everything in my life. I not only want to tell you that I love you, but I want everyone that I love, to know that I love them too.
Sometimes you make me feel sad. You say hurtful things that are hard to take back. There are days that you have made me feel so bad about myself, that I dont want to leave the comfort of my own bed. Somehow, you penetrate my brain, making me feel guilty and worthless, until I start to believe that its real. The tears flow for hours at a time, and I wish for a moment I could just stand up to you and be strong. On these days, I feel like you take every opportunity to kick me when Im down.
Sometimes you make me feel so angry, that I could spit fire, if only I knew how. I havent yet figured out how I let you push me this far, but if you desire to do it, you cant seem to be stopped. I never take it out on you, because you make me believe that it isnt your fault. Instead, the innocent ones around me seem to fall in my line of fire. The end of these days often lead to hot, tear stained red cheeks, when I finally realize that it was you that caused this…….leading to feelings of embarrassment and shame.
Sometimes you make me feel frightened. Though I know you would never intentionally hurt me, I often times see your shadows lurking, when you know Im already scared. I try to ignore you, but my fight or flight response kicks in, and my body starts exuding the signs of fear. Part of me laughs as I pick up a knife, just to take up the stairs, yet the other part is serious. This fear puts my body in defense mode, ready to fight at any moment that seems fit. Though you try to make me fearful, I wont go down without a fight.
Today you made me feel useless. I tried to get up, but you pushed me back down. At times I didnt even wish to pick myself back up off of the floor. My head was pounding in reponse to you, and my stomach was growling in anger. I was heeding your every command. Most of the time, I can fight through your negativity and hateful intents, but on other days I succumb to your desires. Today, you got into my head.
As I move from couch to chair, to chair to bed, and back to the couch again, feeling miserable due to a small stomach bug that ails me, I am amazed that just one person can invoke all of these feelings.
…..I guess I only have MYSELF to blame!:)