concerts, fame, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, society

Its Not ALWAYS Better Out Than In!

Occasionally, I feel like a bit of bad Karma comes my direction, and it immediately makes me recall the wrongdoing Ive done. Recently, I have suffered from a bit of a stomach bug. For the most part, I just laid around the house. I watched movies, tried to nap, read some blogs, and caught up on some of the news that I have missed lately.

As I was reading some of the top stories trending, I happened to come across this story about an Opera singer who was fired from her job, due to her uncontrollable flatulence and sometimes incontinence of stool. She was a pretty, middle aged woman, who looked to be a fairly classy lady…until now. Apparently, she had a botched episiotomy, during the birth of one of her children, and the musculature that generally holds things in the rectum, no longer does. She was suing the hospital for tens of millions of dollars.

My first reaction was to crack up laughing!!!! All I could picture was her belting out tunes, while air escaped her deriere, filling the arena with other aromas, differing from the usual popcorn and wine smells that people were so used to. I watched as many “male” newscasters told hilarious jokes about this poor lady and her excessive farting, and I admit I laughed along…. because lets face it, farts are funny! I wondered why she made this so public, by suing for millions.

Really, it wasnt THAT funny!….Especially if it had happend to me! This is a procedure that many women have done, when they have their babies, and I wondered how many other women have this issue, but do not choose to share it with the world. The truth is, I knew I shouldnt be laughing, but still found myself telling this story to coworkers, and to my kids when they got home from school…..Then we all laughed at this poor womans obvious imperfections. Trust me when I say Jesus was whispering in my ear to tell me to stop acting like this….I knew better, but I didnt choose to stop.

Later that evening, I was still feeling crappy and just wanted to rest. However, motherhood doesnt often allow for this, and I had to round my children up to attend my daughters swim meet. Although my stomach was feeling very sour, I was still starving! Against my better judgement, because I was listening to my belly instead of my brain, I ate right along side my children.

For some reason, I never seem to follow the general rules of tending to my belly, during its aliling. Why cant I just eat saltine crackers and drink 7up or gingerale? I dont know, but I never seem to learn. Instead, I fixed myself a big old plate of cornbeef and cabbage, and then for dessert, I had an entire broccoli crown!!

I am an idiot!

I made my way to the swim meet, barely able to hold my body upright. I tried to put on a sprig of makeup, just to spruce myself up a little, but I couldnt bear to change out of my jeans and sweatshirt. I looked dehydrated and haggard. We got there on time, and got ourselves nestled in our seats, but because the LORD needed to teach me a lesson, the other team wasnt there yet, and wouldnt be for another hour. This delay prolonged that meet into a total of 3 hours.

It wasnt long after we got there that the cabbage or broccoli started working its magic. Stomach cramping was starting up high, and shooting pain through my whole midsection. I just stayed bent over, and hoped it would go away soon…..but it never did. Instead, it worked its way all the way down to my colon, making me extremely uncomfortable. I cant imagine what my facial expresions resembled. I kept pretending I was smiling, but really it was just the reaction of me tensing up, trying to keep the noises inside my body and not allowing them to escape.

This worked for awhile, but it wasnt long before I had no control anymore. I couldnt leave the meet. I guess I could have sat in the bathroom, but I would never have made my way back out. I could have stood in the hallway, but it would only be obvious who was doing it. I was still holding on to hope that the people around us thought it was one of my disgusting children. AND….hind sights 20/20….I wish I would have made more effort to sell that idea!!

I could have fake sniffed, tryed to find a fake culprit, or looked at my own children in disgust. Instead, I just sat there in the fetal position, willing these swimmers to go faster. I wished for a moment that I had dressed better. If only I had made myself look like an opera singer, instead of a football player….maybe I wouldnt have gotten as many looks. The only saving grace was the long, black, fluffy down coat I was wearing. Even if it was hotter than hell in there, I tried to keep it snugged tightly around me. I hoped and hoped that all of the expelled air would stay beneath my overcoat, until I got home to set my coat free….or on fire.

As I sat in discomfort throughout that whole meet, I thought alot about the poor opera singer. I probably only cleared out a few people around me, but she would be capable of clearing an entire section of Carnegie Hall…. I shouldnt have laughed at her…. I had learned a lesson.

Now, for those of you who may have been sitting near me during that swimming event, I hope youve learned my same lesson…..before you started laughing at me!!……

You're Welcome!:)

http://www.rock979.ca/files/learning-to-fart-book-230×353.jpg

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8 thoughts on “Its Not ALWAYS Better Out Than In!

  1. I’m laughing so hard! I can do this because…it ALWAYS happens to me. I swear, air gives me gas! Mixed with stomach and colon issues anyway, a good case of nerves will definitely “bring out the best in me”. I have been known to clear a room in 10 seconds. Terribly embarassing at funerals. Can’t blame it on the dearly departed, even though I definitely have an odor… Great post!

    • Ooohhhhh…..you may have bigger things to complain about than me;). Im not going to laugh at you though…..cause Ive learned my lesson!!;)

  2. Boy, do I empathize! Broccoli always does it to me. And I love the stuff. And when I have gas, well, enough said. Plus, the poor woman in Italy. I’m afraid I might have laughed, as well–lesson learned. Hope you all are having a great weekend.

    Hugs from Ecuador,
    Kathy

    • Im glad you are learning lessons from a simple midwest girl. I should be learning from you!:) Wishing you a fabulous rest of your weekend as well.

      Hugs from Indiana,
      Tia

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