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Public Mastication

I watched a professional woman masticate in public today with a smile on her face. She was young….pretty even… and I guessed her to be a young doctor in training.

I admit that I was a little grouchy as I made my way to work this morning. I was tired, and was running late as usual. I rushed in the building and pushed the elevator button, trying to hurriedly make may way to my unit, hoping desperately to clock in before I was considered late. Luckily, the elevator doors opened immediately. Not luckily, there were slow stragglers still making their way on, taking their own sweet time to load the elevator.

Immediately, my eyes went to the chipper lady with her breakfast burrito. It was clear by the way she was looking at that burrito that she was in mid mastication. She apparently found it necessary to lick her bacon before eating it, and the sound she was making with her lips and tongue was making me physically nauseated. Could she not have waited to eat this until she reached her designated floor? As much as I wanted to look away from her, I couldnt stop glaring at her. The amount of irritation I was feeling was seeping out of my pores.

I suddenly invisioned grabbing the sandwich out of her hand, and punching her delicately in the throat, before I threw the food on the ground and smashed it with my orthopedic looking work shoe. I then, would smile sincerely at her before briskly exiting the elevator.

That short ride I took on the elevator seemed to last minutes. Just as I thought she couldnt annoy me anymore than she was already, she turned and looked directly at me. She said, while laughing stupidly “This is my second breakfast already. Its not right is it”?

No it was not!

I forced myself to smirk at her, but I only glared at her more, before exiting the elevator, finally leaving her to masticate in private.

After I drank another cup of coffee, I started berating myself for my negative, ungodly attitude this morning. Surely, I had masticated in public before, when Ive been in a rush. I needed to get my attitude in check, and figure out why I was being so hateful.

What I came to realize is that it was April Fools Day. This is a day that is perfect for my shenanigans, yet I had nothing planned. It was making me feel inept and worthless, and I was taking it out on others.

As the day went on, I perked up. I tried to cheer myself up by trying a couple of small pranks…but they both failed! One of my friends refused to believe that my period date was 2 weeks past, and that I thought I was with child. She called my bluff, remembering exactly the last time I complained about my menstrual cycle.

Next, I tried to tell another friend that I was going to have to cancel our upcoming trip, and she said “April Fools day”, before I could say it! I was mad as an old wet hen!! Why couldnt they just let me say it, when they knew how important it was to me??

Anyway, I was feeling depressed by the time I left work. No one would fall for my dumb old pranks today!

I made my way home, and made my way up to my room to change my clothes. Then I decided to go to the bathroom, before making my way downstairs. As I went to sit down, I noticed Saran Wrap placed across the toilet seat….a prank Ive pulled on my children in the past. Then, I saw my Ipad close by, and noticed it had been Saran Wrapped too…

These girls of mine were trying to prank a prankster, and I was going to deflate their ego as my own had been depleted earlier that day. I removed the Saran Wrap, so I wouldnt have to sit in my own urine, and I thought….. I thought hard!

I havent gotten a response yet, but Im still waiting to see if my youngest daughter will brush her teeth with the toothbrush that I have dipped in hot sauce, and if my oldest daughter will be frightened by the human body that I have stuffed and adorned with a large massive black wig, white doll face, and work boot that will touch her as she slips into bed.

Im hoping desperately to take my mind off of masticating once and for all, and improve my mood before this day is out!!

Happy April Fools Day!!


5 thoughts on “Public Mastication

  1. Gosh, I’m with you, Tia. I can’t tolerate loud eating–slurping, crunching. It all drives me mad. It’s also fun to hear about the Saran Wrap on the toilet. I was not aware of the trick, but is sounds like a good one..

    We had an magnitude 8.2 earthquake hit northern Chile last night, and it triggered a tsunami warning along the entire coast of Ecuador until just a bit ago. Felt important to us since we are headed to the beach in a couple of days. But all is well. And things could have been much worse in Chile than they turned out to be.

    And that’s not a joke. Plus, it’s April 2nd now. Happy April Fool’s Day anyway, my friend.

    Hugs from Ecuador,

    • YIPES…that’s scary! It makes me feel like complaining about public mastication is the least of any issues right now! I hope everyone is safe, and that your beach day is not ruined.
      Thinking of you in Indiana,


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