Relief From a Poor Decision….

I had to urinate so badly….more than I ever had to before in my life. I tried all of the normal techniques to subside my urges…the ones I learned when I was on road trips with my parents, and they refused to stop…but I was beyond that point. I pranced nervously around the room, I pushed deeply on my bladder, I peed a tiny bit in my pants hoping to relieve some pressure, and I tried to take deep breaths and relax, but it was to no avail…. I could hold it no longer.

Recently, my oldest daughter has begun to reach the stage in her life where she has started to get herself in the middle of “girl drama”. She is very vocal about it….always wanting to talk it out, which is something that I would have never done in my early prime. She likes to read me each text, from each person, and tries to piece the whole thing together for me to understand. Half way through her speech, I find myself getting figety, before I finally have to say “ALL right. Can we sum this up in a few sentences”?

The thing is, Im sometimes guilty of not listening to half of the drama that she is involved with. Its not that Im not interested, its just that shes just a better person than I ever was in my youth. She has a strong sense of reason, she roots for the underdog, and she ALWAYS stands up for what she believes. Though she was brought to this world in a tiny package, she is certainly NO coward.

Last night, I found myself listening to more of her drama. After shooing her off again, I really thought hard about what she was saying. She has no interest in the drama, and was trying to find a delicate way to get out of it.

This led me to consider my own middle school years. While I too never had any interest in the drama, I was too scared of getting beat up myself, to worry about someone elses fate. I sadly, would go along with every cool persons plan, just so I didnt find myself in the spot light. I would even go against my own best friend, if it meant I was cool in another persons eyes. I was a pathetic, pitiful, FOLLOWER!

As I thought about it longer, I started to recall the drama in my school. Girls fighting other girls for no other reason, except for the fact that they could. Girls moving to an entire different lunch table to place another girl in obvious solitude, due to one sole “cool” persons plan and apparent anger! Girls would stop talking to each other because one talked to anothers boyfriend, and lets not forget about the fights caused just because one best friend tread on the ground of another best friend. I admit to being a bystander, involving many of these events….

I recalled on two occasions, a friend of mine being beat up by two different people… My heart and my insides cried for this girl, though my cowardness left me in the crowd watching, like every other coward/menace to society. Each time, I walked away with the crowd…and each time I kept the information to myself. Even at the time, I knew I was a better person than that….though I didnt show it.

Today, I recounted these stories to my partner Renee. Though I dont think she was surprised to hear my stories, she still shook her head.

After seeing Renees response, I began to really assess how horrible of a friend I was! I wanted to apologize to my long lost friend right away… But before doing that, I needed to be completely honest…

….Not just about my lack of support when it was clear she needed me, but also about what I, her close friend, had done at her house, while she slept….

My friend had invited me over for a slumber party, along with a handful of other friends. I always loved staying at this friends house…her family was so cool. We all packed our sleeping bags and pillows, and arranged them in the living room, just like we always did. We had a blast, giggling, pranking people, and just being silly old girls.

In the morning, I awoke very early. I dont know if it was from the overabundance of soda pop, or just my laziness in using the bathroom when I first felt it, but I had to go bad. Feeling comfortable in my surroundings, I headed up to the one bathroom that they had available in their home. Unfortunately for me, my friends dad was taking a bath at that time….meaning he was in no hurry.

I started to panic a little bit, not feeling brave enough to tell him that I had to go bad!! Instead, I started to pace around the halls, and in my friends bedroom. I squated down to relieve pressure, and even pressed on my bladder for a small release. I urinated enough to saturate my unders, but it wasnt enough to have bothered with at all. Minutes seemed like hours to a small girl of my stature.

I made my way to the threshold of the stairs, and saw my friends sleeping soundly. For a minute, I considered just going out into the yard, and peeing behind a bush, but I feared that if I opened the front door, that I would awaken my friends. Again, I made my way back to my friends room…

I paced a little more, before I realized what I had to do. I slowly dropped my pants and started peeing on her large area rug. Not just in one place, so it would be obvious. Instead, I walked around the room, peeing on different areas of the rug so that it would dry fast, and be more difficult to notice.

As soon as I emptied my whole entire bladder, I packed my bag, woke the girls, and told them I was going to go home for the day….

I have no idea why I made this choice versus finding a bucket, or asking to use the bathroom, while the dad covered his eyes. I feel like Im no better than the bullies, who also had no reason for their poor choices. However, it makes me see my daughter in a different light. Shes way stronger than me, and has become my immediate hero.

Here is where I say…Im sorry. Im sorry to you and your family……and mostly I hope you still got a pretty reasonable sale price for that rug, when it came time to sell. I hope you will forgive me…over time….

 

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