fame, friendship, funny, humor, music, society, stories

FREEDOM TO BE ME…

Do you ever look back at your “old self” and wish things had been different?

Maybe you were too fat… TOO smart…..Maybe your teeth were jacked up beyond repair. Maybe you just lacked basic social skills and good judgement…. AND maybe you were the spitting image of the person who modeled the before picture, for the Acne stat commercial….

Or maybe (in addition to the acne, and obvious poor judgement) you were a lanky young lady, with the musculature of a newly pubescent boy. Maybe your lack of body fat, made your own pubescence less obvious, leaving you braless, and taking scoliosis tests in gym class, with a mere paper towel taped to your barren chest…while other big chested teens, with obvious padded bras, looked on in amusement…

Maybe you tried to lure in popular boys by letting the loudest fart, rather than simply batting your eyes, or just giggling at their funny jokes….

Maybe your bangs were too short, because you trusted your friend, your pants werent long enough, because your socks hung too low, and maybe you could never TRULY figure out if people were laughing with you….or AT you…

Well, whether you could relate to a few, or all of the things I mentioned, I'm willing to guess you have spent your life trying to alter these very things, that have likely turned you into the self conscious adult you have become today.

While some have chosen different paths, others have become content to live within a realm of life, that someone else defined for them… far too long ago.

…But what if you were offered a chance to shine?

What if you were offered a chance to step out of your meager life, and stand above the rest? What if the world that you once knew, and the people that once knew you, could look at you in a different light?…What if for only a moment, those people didnt see a manly looking, frizzy haired, panty stained, flat chested, chronic acne doning teenager…but a STAR!!?

Well, as chance would have it, my time had finally come!

AND THE STORY GOES…

….”The gentleman opened the door with ease and purpose. He was dressed to the nines, clearly pressed, and eager to please. As I stepped into the White Stretch Limo, it just felt right. I had never ridden in a vehicle with such gadgetry in tow, and my fascination with it was astounding.

As the first mimosas were poured, I was met with unsure gazes. We didnt all know one another as of yet, though our commonality of hopes to be famous, not infamous, was obvious. It didnt take long before we were fast friends. We rode side by side for hours, listening to classy music, and sipping on fancy cocktails.

During our brief hiatuses, we sipped fancy wines, listened to vineyard bands, and wowed our surrounding peers with our obvious wealth and prestige. I felt certain at this point, that if anyone saw these photos arise, any previous thoughts would be wiped away, and all that would fill it would be awe and envy”…

BUT HERE IS THE REALITY…

We stepped into the limo on our own accord. The gentleman showed us how to work the air and the music in the back, and told us to knock on the window if we needed further assistance, because the phone was broken.

As we started on our way, the air stopped working all together, and I found myself thankful that I was sitting near one of the only two windows, in this jalopy. I slowly made my way to the seat by the window, only to notice that I had sat down in a mixture of white and dark chocolate, which made me rethink (too lately) my classy white shorts. Trying not to panic, as people were trying to snap photos of my fancy attire, I nonchalantly had someone working on cleaning up the mess, but the chocolate was completely melted and now smeared, due to the fact that is was 89 degrees in the vehicle. Little did I know, the black napkins mixed with a dab of water, only added to the staining, of my already soiled shorts.

80's rock music and Boys to men flooded the space around us…but only in increments, because there was a short in the cord. If not held in the proper angle, we were left singing acapella and feeling awkward at unexpected times…

Upon leaving the first winery, we noted the limo to have the hood open, in hopes to air out the engine.

“No need to worry” the gentleman said. To distract our attention, he followed up with a fake strip tease, using my neck as a dancing pole, and proceeded to remove his own shirt and tie, because he himself, was smothering in the drivers seat, and obviously loosing brain cells in the process.

I found myself passing time by looking at my own lady parts in the adjacent mirror, and daydreaming that I still smoked, so I could use one of the ashtrays that still remained in this bucket of bolts. Others filled their time twerking, feet deep, in a carpet soaked with day old mimosas, to what sounded like an Old Bobby Brown remix.

At one of the last stops, as we stumbled over one another, to be the first one out of the sweat camp we were paying for, we were met with some ladies traveling in a double decker bus from Chicago. They stared at us with envy as we got out of the car…Until they saw my windblown and unkempt hair, the pit markings on our designer shirts, and all of our shorts stuck to the insides of our backsides, upon exiting the vehicle.

…..The leader of their pack said “Huh uh honey! YOU need what we got”!

…..The leader of our pack…which was me, Said “I know”!!

BUT the truth is… All of the horrors of that story is what made the adventure.

We are who we are. I was never meant to be a diva, though I try every chance I get. Though I may no longer have my lanky boy figure, and I have a little less acne…a part of that goofy, panty stained, joker will always reside within me….I wouldnt ever take it back!

If I were offered another chance to shine, I would take it every time….But I wouldnt change a thing about how it turns out!

Thank you ladies for a phenomenal trip!!

 

http://www.newkidscenter.com/images/10400304/image001.jpg

 

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fame, food, friendship, funny, humor, humour, society

Sometimes The BEST Plan Is NOT to Have One!

If you feel like you havent quite figured me out entirely yet, I will let you in on a few secrets….I like to be the center of attention, I love to be entertained at all times, and Im bossy….VERY bossy.

This just so happens to be my birthday week. Ive been rallying for people to celebrate it all month, and for the most part, I have gotten my wish. This week, two of my best buddies volunteered to plan “day number 2” of my birthday week for me. Normally, I would be the boss of all of this. Both of these ladies can, at times, be extremely indecisive, and truthfully, I usually feel fine about directing all of our outings. It ensures that I am happy with what we are doing, and it saves me from blaming someone else if it doesnt go as planned.

When they told me that they would plan everything, without my leadership, I admit I giggled a little. Its not that I doubted their abilities, its just that I could picture their conversations, and wondered who finally answered the question “I dont know….what do you think”?

In reality, I am fairly easy to entertain, and would be happy with most anything they picked, as long as they just agreed to play with me….

They took me to my favorite “hole in the wall” breakfast place. This is a place where they may or may not let you take in coffee cups, filled with mimosas, that you may or may not have made in your car, and may or may not have claimed that you only brought in because you were “just juicing”. The waitstaff is friendly…….especially Chad, who gropes every waitress and female customer in the facility, while talking about his girlfriend and kids. The food is phenomenal and reasonably priced, and capable of putting about 5 pounds on you in one sitting. I love this place, and I was glad they chose it.

More than the place though, I enjoyed them. They have really come a long way, when it comes to becoming used to, and accepting, my attention getting ploys…especially since they themselves, do not desire such asinine attention. Naturally I was impressed when I noted that they had come stocked with a birthday sash, birthday hats, and fancy sunglasses……but when I realized that they intended play along with me, willing to humilate themselves, by wearing this get up alongside me, my heart swelled!! They knew me so well….

We wore that garb for the entirety of our breakfast setting. I am being 100% honest when I say we were the envy of EVERY old lady in the establishment. These ladies seemed to flock to our table, wishing me a happy birthday, and tellling us some sob story about how they wished their friends would throw a party for them like this. I should have felt sad for them… After all, it was probably difficult living through the Great Depression, without birthday hats, and without friends who werent trying to steal their flour, but I didnt. I offered the ladies a birthday hat as a parting gift, but I refused to scoot over, and I was keeping my friends to myself!!

The best gift though, besides the bottle of Hennessey (GOLD label), that my rich friend gave me, was when the waitress, who also mirrored as the manager of the place, asked if she could take a photo of us for the cover of their facebook page!!! Absolutely we would, and we ended up doing it…free of charge. As soon as she took that photo, that also included the waiter Chad, who took this opportunity to grope my friend, while pretending to pose, we quickly got onto our own phones to join the other 68 people who liked their page, so we could see our picture, when they decided to showcase it.

As luck would have it, another ice storm threatened to shut us down completely, and did cut our day short, but not before having some adventure, and my “free birthday shot” next door. While the bartender claimed it to be the best shot known to man, I thought it tasted more like the insides of a cows rectum, but glorified with the half a pound of sugar that was added to it!! Still, as she watched me expectantly, awaiting my astounding reaction, I finished it off, out of courtesy, and with a small pool of vomit, that had formed in my esophagus, while doing so.

Though the day didnt go as planned, I think this was probably the Best second day of my birthday week that I can remember. We laughed, we had no cares in the world (minus the huge ice storm heading our way), we played, we took our first bathroom selfie, we became potential celebrities, and to put it simply….we just had fun. Sometimes the best plan is Not to have one…..

Thank you ladies! 🙂

https://forgeonahead.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/41903-no-plan-b.jpg

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concerts, fame, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, society

Its Not ALWAYS Better Out Than In!

Occasionally, I feel like a bit of bad Karma comes my direction, and it immediately makes me recall the wrongdoing Ive done. Recently, I have suffered from a bit of a stomach bug. For the most part, I just laid around the house. I watched movies, tried to nap, read some blogs, and caught up on some of the news that I have missed lately.

As I was reading some of the top stories trending, I happened to come across this story about an Opera singer who was fired from her job, due to her uncontrollable flatulence and sometimes incontinence of stool. She was a pretty, middle aged woman, who looked to be a fairly classy lady…until now. Apparently, she had a botched episiotomy, during the birth of one of her children, and the musculature that generally holds things in the rectum, no longer does. She was suing the hospital for tens of millions of dollars.

My first reaction was to crack up laughing!!!! All I could picture was her belting out tunes, while air escaped her deriere, filling the arena with other aromas, differing from the usual popcorn and wine smells that people were so used to. I watched as many “male” newscasters told hilarious jokes about this poor lady and her excessive farting, and I admit I laughed along…. because lets face it, farts are funny! I wondered why she made this so public, by suing for millions.

Really, it wasnt THAT funny!….Especially if it had happend to me! This is a procedure that many women have done, when they have their babies, and I wondered how many other women have this issue, but do not choose to share it with the world. The truth is, I knew I shouldnt be laughing, but still found myself telling this story to coworkers, and to my kids when they got home from school…..Then we all laughed at this poor womans obvious imperfections. Trust me when I say Jesus was whispering in my ear to tell me to stop acting like this….I knew better, but I didnt choose to stop.

Later that evening, I was still feeling crappy and just wanted to rest. However, motherhood doesnt often allow for this, and I had to round my children up to attend my daughters swim meet. Although my stomach was feeling very sour, I was still starving! Against my better judgement, because I was listening to my belly instead of my brain, I ate right along side my children.

For some reason, I never seem to follow the general rules of tending to my belly, during its aliling. Why cant I just eat saltine crackers and drink 7up or gingerale? I dont know, but I never seem to learn. Instead, I fixed myself a big old plate of cornbeef and cabbage, and then for dessert, I had an entire broccoli crown!!

I am an idiot!

I made my way to the swim meet, barely able to hold my body upright. I tried to put on a sprig of makeup, just to spruce myself up a little, but I couldnt bear to change out of my jeans and sweatshirt. I looked dehydrated and haggard. We got there on time, and got ourselves nestled in our seats, but because the LORD needed to teach me a lesson, the other team wasnt there yet, and wouldnt be for another hour. This delay prolonged that meet into a total of 3 hours.

It wasnt long after we got there that the cabbage or broccoli started working its magic. Stomach cramping was starting up high, and shooting pain through my whole midsection. I just stayed bent over, and hoped it would go away soon…..but it never did. Instead, it worked its way all the way down to my colon, making me extremely uncomfortable. I cant imagine what my facial expresions resembled. I kept pretending I was smiling, but really it was just the reaction of me tensing up, trying to keep the noises inside my body and not allowing them to escape.

This worked for awhile, but it wasnt long before I had no control anymore. I couldnt leave the meet. I guess I could have sat in the bathroom, but I would never have made my way back out. I could have stood in the hallway, but it would only be obvious who was doing it. I was still holding on to hope that the people around us thought it was one of my disgusting children. AND….hind sights 20/20….I wish I would have made more effort to sell that idea!!

I could have fake sniffed, tryed to find a fake culprit, or looked at my own children in disgust. Instead, I just sat there in the fetal position, willing these swimmers to go faster. I wished for a moment that I had dressed better. If only I had made myself look like an opera singer, instead of a football player….maybe I wouldnt have gotten as many looks. The only saving grace was the long, black, fluffy down coat I was wearing. Even if it was hotter than hell in there, I tried to keep it snugged tightly around me. I hoped and hoped that all of the expelled air would stay beneath my overcoat, until I got home to set my coat free….or on fire.

As I sat in discomfort throughout that whole meet, I thought alot about the poor opera singer. I probably only cleared out a few people around me, but she would be capable of clearing an entire section of Carnegie Hall…. I shouldnt have laughed at her…. I had learned a lesson.

Now, for those of you who may have been sitting near me during that swimming event, I hope youve learned my same lesson…..before you started laughing at me!!……

You're Welcome!:)

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concerts, fame, friendship, funny, humor, society

THE ACT OF SELF ENTERTAINMENT….

I am what some people would call high maintenance. Not so much in the diva manner, but more in the form of needing alot of attention and reassurance. Maybe needy is a better word.

Anyway, this winter has been harsh. We have had so many snow days, and days where temperatures are less than zero. Generally speaking, this means no one wants to leave their warm homes or beds….including myself. However, this leads to boredom and something people call “cabin fever”, though I doubt that many people have stayed in a cabin, to even know what that is! I just want it to be warm again…I want to play outside….I want to do ANYTHING except for clean this house ONE MORE DAY!

I rely heavily on people to entertain me. Renee and my children fill much of my afternoon time with amusing stories or events, and my friends try to play when they can, and accommodate my needs to the best of their abilities. But sometimes….they need a break! My personality is enough to wear a person down. While I can understand their needs of solitude, and their needs to actually do chores of their own, it often times leaves me bored….sometimes leading to a false sense of loneliness! Besides, I always have plenty of things to do, but I sometimes just don't want to do them.

On these days, I have to encourage myself to make the right choice. I can easily talk myself into napping all day, telling myself that I don't get to rest very often, but then I always feel unproductive and guilty for doing so. Or, the other option is to try and talk myself into feeling energetic……this is easier said than done!

Either way, the truth is, I have no problem entertaining myself. I sometimes can talk myself into going on a run, or playing on my guitar. Sometimes I work on something crafty, or shop, or read….and of course, I write! I simply would RATHER have someone else around to laugh with me. It seems like much less work.

Recently, I have been busting my guitar out a little more frequently. Whenever I do this, I start to feel like there could still be a chance for me to end up on VH1, even at my advanced age. Another thing I always want to do when playing for a few days, is get a band together. Since I don't think I'm good enough to put fliers up in coffee shops, I again pester my friends to join. They tell me that they can't sing and that they cant play an instrument, but I think that's just a cop out! Afterall, I'm only considering a garage band of sorts….could they really be that bad?!

The only problem with starting the band though, minus a few minor things that you can probably figure out on your own, is my song selections. I always want to play love ballads on my guitar…Like Anne Murray, Kenny Rogers, and Taylor swift. Naturally, I want to play that music, because that's what I like to listen to. Who would honestly want to go to see a cover band that played that?

Over the past month or so, I have been listening to alot of Celine Dion. Although I get made fun of alot, I cant help but push play on disc 6 of my CD player, while in the car. Before now, I hadn't really admitted that to anyone, except for one friend, who I will call Tina, because that's her name. She giggles at me, says she is going to hold it over my head, and says that I'm a dork….I can't help that! Last night, I told her I had learned several new Dixie Chicks songs on my guitar. Mocking me, she suggested that I try doing a Celine Dion piece on my acoustic guitar. After reminding her that Celine doesn't have alot of acoustic guitar in her music, she said “Thats what's great about it Tia. Make it your own…..AND record it”! So, I said I'd try.

This morning, I found myself bored again. After trying to curl my hair in the front (which was another suggestion made by my same encouraging friend), I decided to give this music video a go! It took a minute/several hours to set up, but I think it turned out really great! The fan blowing my hair back, and the dog laying calmly in the background, only added to the realism….in this thing we call life!

I'm just glad that I have friends that give me tasks to do, to keep the focus off of them for a moment! Thanks Tina, for always encouraging me to follow my dreams, and for giving me the opportunity to have a bored free day! 😉

…….Now, before you watch this, picture me at the bow of the ship….all alone…wind blowing through my hair….with nothing on my mind except for Jack Dawson….the love of my life…..and enjoy my first solo! 😉

🙂

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concerts, fame, family, funny, humor, parenting, society

An Exhausting Moment In the Spotlight…..

As I have been stuck at home for this week, due to freezing temperatures, I have found myself watching the Today show more frequently. This is partially due to the fact that I have been sleeping in, and the local news is off by the time I rouse with my coffee, and the rest of the reasoning is based on the fact that I have always loved this show.

Its not the Matt Lauers or Natalie Moraleses that I find fascinating though. Its Kathy Lee and Hoda that I long to watch…..especially on wine day Wednesday. What time must their shift start anyway…5am? I love that they are always sipping on cocktails, before many people have even considered breakfast…. I love that Kathy Lee never gets tired of hearing her own song belt out over the studio, despite the fact that it really isnt all that wonderful…..And like today, I love when they wear matching dresses, and invite workout gurus to the show…..and that they have no shame in doing the exercises that were taught to them, while wearing these dresses. They say pretty much what they want, and they laugh throughout the whole show.

Despite the fact that this is probably not the true reality of their lives, I have always thought that this would be a perfect job for me. I sadly admit that I had, at one point, become a little “star struck”! The only difference between me, and other idol worshiping people, is that Im not exactly one of those people who would cry and wave my hands if I saw my hero up close. I wouldn't tear at their clothes, and I certainly wouldn't stalk them, or write them threatening letters made from crafty, well designed words, cut out of the newspaper.

I would be the type of person that would hang around the common areas they frequent, in hopes that they would hear me tell a funny joke, or do a fancy dance…. Then, when they noticed me, they would be surprised to see, that I too, just so happened to be wearing the same matching dress they were wearing….making it appear to be fate. Then naturally, their next step would be to offer me a job. The truth is, I do not find it nearly as fascinating to have the opportunity to meet them, as I find it to simply share their spotlight!

As luck would have it, a few years ago, my mother and I decided to give it a go. We fulfilled our dreams, by taking a long weekend trip to New York City, with the intent of not only getting on TV, but with the hopes of becoming stars.

We always seem to be in the right place at the right time. First, we got ourselves a fancy place to stay, simply by knowing the family of a friend. It was a multimillion dollar high rise apartment, overlooking the Hudson, and Kelly Ripas apartment. Other than our suitcases being a little janky and taped together, we already looked the part of stars. Next…it was time to shine.

We made our way to the Today show, when it was still dark, hoping to get a good spot up front. However there was a BonJovi concert happening that day, so we weren't the only ones who had those thoughts. After enduring the bitter cold, in that mass of people, and hearing the music, but only seeing the backs of heads…we decided to start our own journey. As soon as we rounded the corner to the back side of the Today show building, we saw Al Roker, with the Rockefeller Christmas tree!

As much as I love Kathy Lee and Hoda, my mom loves Al Roker. She began talking to him, and shooting photos of him. He waved at her, and when he bent to tie his shoe, she still photographed his backside. The only problem was that she wouldnt stop following him when the show started filming. Her hair got stuck in the tree as the truck rounded the corner, and security had to remove her before she was live on TV!

This wasn't our only brush with fame. We got to view ourselves behind the Today show window, while Kathy Lee and Hoda were on, for about one full second, before security removed us again, after about the sixth time. Later that day, we found ourselves on the movie set of the “Tower Heist”! We were just chatting and eating bagels, when a man asked if we were part of the movie. When we looked up, there was Ben Stiller and Alan Alda, walking directly in front of us. They didnt let us stay on the set, but we immediately got the same idea! We would be extras in the movie….

We stayed for a few takes, but grew bored and moved on to our next chance for fame. Later that night, we got asked to be in the background for a local newstation, while they talked about the lighting of the Rockefeller tree! The answer was obvious….ABSOLUTELY!!

We were only there for three days. While we did touristy things like see the 911 spot, ride the subway, see plays, and let the poor man drive us around on the bike taxi, it was obvious that we stuck out in the crowd…we had faces of stars!

While we were taking a tour of the NBC studio, it happened. Hoda Kotb was walking past us, leaving work for the day. This is what I was waiting for the whole time….my chance to WOW her. However, my legs didnt move….My enthusiasm wasn't as great…..

It wasn't that I didnt find them as cool…because I still love the show. Its just that my mom and I lived the life of a star, in the spotlight for three whole days…. It was EXHAUSTING to exert ourselves in this fashion. Now, I just look at them with a new kind of respect. Now, if I happened to run into them on the street, I would simply give them a head nod to signify……”I know what you mean good buddy….I know what you mean”!

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