fame, friendship, funny, humor, music, society, stories

FREEDOM TO BE ME…

Do you ever look back at your “old self” and wish things had been different?

Maybe you were too fat… TOO smart…..Maybe your teeth were jacked up beyond repair. Maybe you just lacked basic social skills and good judgement…. AND maybe you were the spitting image of the person who modeled the before picture, for the Acne stat commercial….

Or maybe (in addition to the acne, and obvious poor judgement) you were a lanky young lady, with the musculature of a newly pubescent boy. Maybe your lack of body fat, made your own pubescence less obvious, leaving you braless, and taking scoliosis tests in gym class, with a mere paper towel taped to your barren chest…while other big chested teens, with obvious padded bras, looked on in amusement…

Maybe you tried to lure in popular boys by letting the loudest fart, rather than simply batting your eyes, or just giggling at their funny jokes….

Maybe your bangs were too short, because you trusted your friend, your pants werent long enough, because your socks hung too low, and maybe you could never TRULY figure out if people were laughing with you….or AT you…

Well, whether you could relate to a few, or all of the things I mentioned, I'm willing to guess you have spent your life trying to alter these very things, that have likely turned you into the self conscious adult you have become today.

While some have chosen different paths, others have become content to live within a realm of life, that someone else defined for them… far too long ago.

…But what if you were offered a chance to shine?

What if you were offered a chance to step out of your meager life, and stand above the rest? What if the world that you once knew, and the people that once knew you, could look at you in a different light?…What if for only a moment, those people didnt see a manly looking, frizzy haired, panty stained, flat chested, chronic acne doning teenager…but a STAR!!?

Well, as chance would have it, my time had finally come!

AND THE STORY GOES…

….”The gentleman opened the door with ease and purpose. He was dressed to the nines, clearly pressed, and eager to please. As I stepped into the White Stretch Limo, it just felt right. I had never ridden in a vehicle with such gadgetry in tow, and my fascination with it was astounding.

As the first mimosas were poured, I was met with unsure gazes. We didnt all know one another as of yet, though our commonality of hopes to be famous, not infamous, was obvious. It didnt take long before we were fast friends. We rode side by side for hours, listening to classy music, and sipping on fancy cocktails.

During our brief hiatuses, we sipped fancy wines, listened to vineyard bands, and wowed our surrounding peers with our obvious wealth and prestige. I felt certain at this point, that if anyone saw these photos arise, any previous thoughts would be wiped away, and all that would fill it would be awe and envy”…

BUT HERE IS THE REALITY…

We stepped into the limo on our own accord. The gentleman showed us how to work the air and the music in the back, and told us to knock on the window if we needed further assistance, because the phone was broken.

As we started on our way, the air stopped working all together, and I found myself thankful that I was sitting near one of the only two windows, in this jalopy. I slowly made my way to the seat by the window, only to notice that I had sat down in a mixture of white and dark chocolate, which made me rethink (too lately) my classy white shorts. Trying not to panic, as people were trying to snap photos of my fancy attire, I nonchalantly had someone working on cleaning up the mess, but the chocolate was completely melted and now smeared, due to the fact that is was 89 degrees in the vehicle. Little did I know, the black napkins mixed with a dab of water, only added to the staining, of my already soiled shorts.

80's rock music and Boys to men flooded the space around us…but only in increments, because there was a short in the cord. If not held in the proper angle, we were left singing acapella and feeling awkward at unexpected times…

Upon leaving the first winery, we noted the limo to have the hood open, in hopes to air out the engine.

“No need to worry” the gentleman said. To distract our attention, he followed up with a fake strip tease, using my neck as a dancing pole, and proceeded to remove his own shirt and tie, because he himself, was smothering in the drivers seat, and obviously loosing brain cells in the process.

I found myself passing time by looking at my own lady parts in the adjacent mirror, and daydreaming that I still smoked, so I could use one of the ashtrays that still remained in this bucket of bolts. Others filled their time twerking, feet deep, in a carpet soaked with day old mimosas, to what sounded like an Old Bobby Brown remix.

At one of the last stops, as we stumbled over one another, to be the first one out of the sweat camp we were paying for, we were met with some ladies traveling in a double decker bus from Chicago. They stared at us with envy as we got out of the car…Until they saw my windblown and unkempt hair, the pit markings on our designer shirts, and all of our shorts stuck to the insides of our backsides, upon exiting the vehicle.

…..The leader of their pack said “Huh uh honey! YOU need what we got”!

…..The leader of our pack…which was me, Said “I know”!!

BUT the truth is… All of the horrors of that story is what made the adventure.

We are who we are. I was never meant to be a diva, though I try every chance I get. Though I may no longer have my lanky boy figure, and I have a little less acne…a part of that goofy, panty stained, joker will always reside within me….I wouldnt ever take it back!

If I were offered another chance to shine, I would take it every time….But I wouldnt change a thing about how it turns out!

Thank you ladies for a phenomenal trip!!

 

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dancing, friendship, funny, humor, society, stories

The TRUE Beauty of Pain….

My brain was pulsating to the sound of the alarm clock, as I slowly moved my aching body, to locate the phone that I seemed to have hidden just hours before. It had been awhile since I had damaged my body in this fashion, and it seemed to me, that it hurt just a little worse than the last time…something I tell myself everytime.

Still, after pushing the snooze button once, and in between pushing it several more times thereafter, I was able to piece together all of the glamorous parts of my night, that led to this beautiful disaster.

….We we're dressed to the nines as we stepped out, into the inviting night. Black cocktail dresses, ruby red lips, feather boas, and of course…the mask.

The mask….so tribal looking, yet striking, and perfectly descriptive of the person below it. Walking proudly through the lobby of our downtown hotel, we could feel the eyes upon us. Some filled with questions, but MOST appeared filled with envy, AND mixed with a little desire.

As we gingerly slid our way into the back seat of our black uber car (which was only black by coincidence), I began to feel my status rise. I had never been to a masquerade ball before, and the glamour behind the idea of it, gave me back visions of childhood fantasies and dreams. After weeks on end of talking about it, the moment was finally here!!

We stepped inside the old train station to find tall ceilings, dimly lit rooms, a sea of people dressed in fancy dresses and suits, and the highly anticipated, eighties rap music, of “Two White Crew“, was pumping through the sound waves.

We checked our coats, took a few selfies, and then I began hobbling my way into the room with the biggest venue. My new nude pumps were cute as could be, but the toilet paper that I shoved in the tips of the toes, and then later at the back of my heels, was starting to rub against the seam of my panty hose, and was adding unnecessary pressure to my fully bent toes inside the shoe. With excitement still in tow, I fought through the pain, and tried to focus on using my thighs, more than my calves to walk.

We had seen several fun looking masks on the way in, but looking at the crowd as a whole, had us thinking that maybe it wasn't a masquerade ball afterall. In fact, there were so few masks, that I would certainly have recognized any person that approached me…. given that I knew who they were in the first place. Maybe the higher ups were taking bets on just how many idiots would fall for this mask wearing scheme……?!

….Well, all 17 of us wore our masks proudly. We had worked ourselves up too much, to let this deflate our dreams of attending a real live masquerade ball!! Those masks were worn, until sweat was dripping off our faces. We danced, we sang, and we drank merrily, until the midnight hour rang in! So far, this New Year was happy!!

We danced the night away among strangers, until the flesh had literally been worn off the tips of my toes. Lucky for me, my loving companion had been eyeing my fancy shoes since the moment I bought them. She happily agreed to trade me, claiming that she had always dreamed of owning this same pair. However, not even an hour had passed, when her own knees started buckling with each step, due to the pain these gems were causing. I had to remind her often that beauty was painful, because there was no way in hell I was putting those shoes back on!!!

Midnight came and went, and our middle aged bodies still found themselves in a mass of other middle aged people dancing to “Pump up the Jam”…. only now it was a slow song. Non lasting friendships began to form around us. People were starting to spill champagne on one another a little more often, and less and less people cared about getting champagne on their fancy dresses. The dancing was becoming a little more personal, and masks and shoes had started to come off. All of these were perfect signs that IT WAS TIME TO GO!!

“Get out! Get out now”! was chanted by security in unison. Though people were moving out the door in a slow fashion, no one was really fighting them. Still, they lunged at us, like they were about to bust out the tazers, tear gas, and police batons, if we didn't move our ailing bodies a little faster. Not wanting to risk getting our dresses bloodied up, with our own scalp blood, we opted to leave.

With smeared makeup, flattened hair, and barefoot, our uber car had dropped us safely at the entrance of the hotel. The event had come and gone, much quicker than the anticipation for the Gala itself.

I turned the alarm off one last time, and stood up. I held tight to my forehead, as I packed the rest of my things. Though I wished I would have had one less glass of champagne, I chalked it up to being worth it. I added another adventure to this short life, I had more fun than I could have ever envisioned, and I spent it with the very person who made it that much more fun!!

Happy New Year to you all!!

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dancing, funny, humor, kids, society

The EVE of the EVE of New Years

As the last of the dry pine needles fall off of our half dead trees, Christmas becomes yet another memory of years past. All of the anxiety, joy, stress, and love that is combined, to make the perfect potion for Christmas spirit, is packaged up and saved for yet another year. However, just as we try to allow for our neck muscles to relax, after we've accepted the fact that we've crushed our childrens dreams forever, because they didn't get their desired prize, even after acting less than perfect this year……just as we vow to cut down our calories (minus wine), and eat nutritiously until next Christmas…just as we promise ourselves that we will take down the Christmas lights next week, that we know will not only stay, but will be the decorations for every other holiday for the coming year….

…..Its time to plan for New Years!!

Actually, I never remember being much of a die hard eve of the year celebrator.

I do recall worrying about not having plans on New Years like the rest of the cool kids, but was usually content playing euchre, and cheersing in the New Year, with old acquaintances that weren't forgot. I never had to drive anywhere, no one really cared if I blacked out, and people actually cheered, if I happened to lose a game of the popular poker game they were playing back in those days.

I've danced the night away with high falutin friends in classy places… I've swayed in unison with large groups, dancing the electric slide and the Macarena until dawn, and chasing tequila shots with bottles exposing purple mountains, alongside friends that have less standards. I've celebrated in different homes, different cities, and different states…sometimes with distant friends, and sometimes with family.

Although I've had a multitude of New Years adventures in all my years, ones that other people could probably recollect better than myself, the last six plus years have been spent celebrating with my children.

When they were younger, I could get away with setting the clock 4 hours ahead of time… lying gracefully, and tucking my tired babies in bed at eight, only to plead for the midnight hour to come quickly, so I could rest my own weary eyes. When they got old enough to know the difference, those nights were filled with Cards, board games, twister, and entire games of monopoly. The horns that were doled out, blew into our ears, entirely past the level of comfort, and usually ended in someone's arms being nearly pulled out of socket. Then the next day consisted of misery, as I nursed a slight headache and listened to tired children bicker over nothing except, in my opinion….lost sleep. Those were, and still are, the good ole days…ones I will remember for years to come.

Truthfully, I've celebrated the holiday every year, staying up until at least 12:05… Well, every year but one… BUT who wasn't terrified of being struck dead at the turn of midnight…2000? We were supposed to be celebrating like it was 1999, but I made myself go to bed early, so that when Y2K stole my soul, I maybe wouldn't know it happened…..

Well….Not this year!!!! This year, I've got myself giddy with the anticipation of this New Years eve to come!! I officially bought tickets my first Masquerade ball. After purchasing my new fancy dress, mask and accessories, I've become useless to anyone….unless they want to talk about the ball, my dress, my date, or my shoes and hose. Its truly going to be a gala to remember!

The only downfall?….I have worked myself into such an excitement tizzy that I have grown two acne horns above my right eye!!! What will I do???…

Oh I remember….WEAR A MASK!!;)

 

 

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friendship, funny, humor, society, weather

The Positive Effects of Rain….

The water surrounded my feet, filling me with a sense of exhilaration. I could tell by the temperature outside, that the water I was standing in, was colder than it looked. Like a child, I lifted my foot and quickly stomped it back down into the water….

THEN, I smiled big and just giggled…….

Most of you know by now that Im easily entertained. If you already knew about that, then you also probably have come to realize that I become obsessed easily, with the idea of either having things that I desire, and/or doing things that I desire to do..

Recently, while on an adventure with one of my best buddies, we just happened to get stuck in traffic, on a college campus. It seemed at the time, that the entire college had been let out at the exact same time, and we had to wait for every last one of them to cross the road. My friend was becoming aggitated…and trust me when I say that my friend is not as pleasant, when she gets like this. I was desperately trying to distract her, and pointed to the rain boots that almost everyone of these college girls were wearing. We began to watch the girls in unison….

There were short ones and tall ones. They came in a variety of colors, varying from basic black to the brightest of pinks. They were wearing them with shorts, capri pants, jeans, sweatpants, and of course the new stretch pant, accompanied by a half shirt. Before we knew it, the road was clear, and I had found a new mission! WE NEEDED THESE BOOTS!!

While sharing a quick beer at a local brewery, I began to pester a group of teenage college kids for information, and had gotten the full scoop. These boots were called HUNTER boots, and retailed for about $140!! This is way more than I would spend on an item of such nature, but now I had become obsessed.

I decided that my buddies and I would find a day to go shopping for these together, as it was becoming the rainy season. Each week however, our union failed to happen, and my friends would knock the wind out of me, by telling me that we would have to order on line. I would then take it upon myself to talk about these boots incessantly to everyone I know, still failing to have them in my possession.

Finally, one day it happened, and the three of us were able to get together, and order our fancy boots on line…

The waiting and anticipation for these boots was literally killing me.

Last night, I saw that my boots arrived, but I didnt open them until this morning. I immediately made my way to the window, praying that it was pouring down rain….and I thanked Jesus that it was!! Today was a girls day out with a few of my friends, and I was ecstatic to don these new fashionable boots, that I had carried on about all these weeks before. I would be the envy of all of them!

As I walked to and from my house and school, I walked through the wet grass as much as I could. I walked through every mud puddle, and made it a point not to dodge the drainage ditches along the way. Even though my boots were shiny and new when I opened them, I was filled with pride to see that I had collected every blade of loose grass, tree branch, and trash along the way. I walked with pride into my childrens school, knowing that people would immediately notice my boots, which just so happened to draw out the color of my eyes…..which was not purely coincidental. I had selected the color jade with a real purpose!!

When I rounded the corner to my friends, they noticed my boots first thing. There was a laughter, followed by endless compliments, that I couldnt even begin to count. There was now a glow around me….And I dont just mean my boots!!

I spent the day frolicking in the rain with both my new friends, and the old friends I had before purchasing the new ones. This was a fabulous day for a variety of obvious reasons.

As I waded through another puddle, I began to picture my sons baseball game that I would have to attend tonight, in the cold air and lightly falling rain. Normally, this would be the time that I would be secretly praying that the game was cancelled……but not tonight. Tonight I would sit happily, with my feet in the wet grass, knowing that my feet would remain dry and fashionable.

The only thing left to do now, is get the triad of ordered boots together. I cant wait be able to jump in puddles with my on line ordering companions!

Sometimes, there aint nothing like a good rainy day!! 🙂

 

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friendship, funny, healing, humor, humour, interesting, parenting, society, stories

Relief From a Poor Decision….

I had to urinate so badly….more than I ever had to before in my life. I tried all of the normal techniques to subside my urges…the ones I learned when I was on road trips with my parents, and they refused to stop…but I was beyond that point. I pranced nervously around the room, I pushed deeply on my bladder, I peed a tiny bit in my pants hoping to relieve some pressure, and I tried to take deep breaths and relax, but it was to no avail…. I could hold it no longer.

Recently, my oldest daughter has begun to reach the stage in her life where she has started to get herself in the middle of “girl drama”. She is very vocal about it….always wanting to talk it out, which is something that I would have never done in my early prime. She likes to read me each text, from each person, and tries to piece the whole thing together for me to understand. Half way through her speech, I find myself getting figety, before I finally have to say “ALL right. Can we sum this up in a few sentences”?

The thing is, Im sometimes guilty of not listening to half of the drama that she is involved with. Its not that Im not interested, its just that shes just a better person than I ever was in my youth. She has a strong sense of reason, she roots for the underdog, and she ALWAYS stands up for what she believes. Though she was brought to this world in a tiny package, she is certainly NO coward.

Last night, I found myself listening to more of her drama. After shooing her off again, I really thought hard about what she was saying. She has no interest in the drama, and was trying to find a delicate way to get out of it.

This led me to consider my own middle school years. While I too never had any interest in the drama, I was too scared of getting beat up myself, to worry about someone elses fate. I sadly, would go along with every cool persons plan, just so I didnt find myself in the spot light. I would even go against my own best friend, if it meant I was cool in another persons eyes. I was a pathetic, pitiful, FOLLOWER!

As I thought about it longer, I started to recall the drama in my school. Girls fighting other girls for no other reason, except for the fact that they could. Girls moving to an entire different lunch table to place another girl in obvious solitude, due to one sole “cool” persons plan and apparent anger! Girls would stop talking to each other because one talked to anothers boyfriend, and lets not forget about the fights caused just because one best friend tread on the ground of another best friend. I admit to being a bystander, involving many of these events….

I recalled on two occasions, a friend of mine being beat up by two different people… My heart and my insides cried for this girl, though my cowardness left me in the crowd watching, like every other coward/menace to society. Each time, I walked away with the crowd…and each time I kept the information to myself. Even at the time, I knew I was a better person than that….though I didnt show it.

Today, I recounted these stories to my partner Renee. Though I dont think she was surprised to hear my stories, she still shook her head.

After seeing Renees response, I began to really assess how horrible of a friend I was! I wanted to apologize to my long lost friend right away… But before doing that, I needed to be completely honest…

….Not just about my lack of support when it was clear she needed me, but also about what I, her close friend, had done at her house, while she slept….

My friend had invited me over for a slumber party, along with a handful of other friends. I always loved staying at this friends house…her family was so cool. We all packed our sleeping bags and pillows, and arranged them in the living room, just like we always did. We had a blast, giggling, pranking people, and just being silly old girls.

In the morning, I awoke very early. I dont know if it was from the overabundance of soda pop, or just my laziness in using the bathroom when I first felt it, but I had to go bad. Feeling comfortable in my surroundings, I headed up to the one bathroom that they had available in their home. Unfortunately for me, my friends dad was taking a bath at that time….meaning he was in no hurry.

I started to panic a little bit, not feeling brave enough to tell him that I had to go bad!! Instead, I started to pace around the halls, and in my friends bedroom. I squated down to relieve pressure, and even pressed on my bladder for a small release. I urinated enough to saturate my unders, but it wasnt enough to have bothered with at all. Minutes seemed like hours to a small girl of my stature.

I made my way to the threshold of the stairs, and saw my friends sleeping soundly. For a minute, I considered just going out into the yard, and peeing behind a bush, but I feared that if I opened the front door, that I would awaken my friends. Again, I made my way back to my friends room…

I paced a little more, before I realized what I had to do. I slowly dropped my pants and started peeing on her large area rug. Not just in one place, so it would be obvious. Instead, I walked around the room, peeing on different areas of the rug so that it would dry fast, and be more difficult to notice.

As soon as I emptied my whole entire bladder, I packed my bag, woke the girls, and told them I was going to go home for the day….

I have no idea why I made this choice versus finding a bucket, or asking to use the bathroom, while the dad covered his eyes. I feel like Im no better than the bullies, who also had no reason for their poor choices. However, it makes me see my daughter in a different light. Shes way stronger than me, and has become my immediate hero.

Here is where I say…Im sorry. Im sorry to you and your family……and mostly I hope you still got a pretty reasonable sale price for that rug, when it came time to sell. I hope you will forgive me…over time….

 

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exorcise, health, racing, running, society, stories

Last Year, Last Month, Last Week, and Today….

It was a week ago, when I really started focusing on the fact that I would truly have to run in the half marathon that I had signed myself up for, almost a year ago. To some of you, it may seem like that is plenty of time to prepare for an event like this… and in reality, it is. However, sometimes my brain, my body, and my social life, seem to differ on the idea of what should be done to prepare.

This is certainly not the first time I have run one of these. In fact, this is about the 8th year in a row I have done it. I have run it with little training, and I have run it fully trained. Believe me when I say the body rewards you heavily, when you are prepared versus unprepared. Last month, after running the 15K, that was supposed to be a part of my training plan, my body was tattered, hurt, and yelling at me in language that I found to be innapropriate. I told myself then, that I would use the rest of the month, before the big race, to get my body into better shape.

……Well I didnt…..

The entire month I lived my life weighing everything on an imaginary scale. I did run/exercise, just not to the extent I should have been. Its just that as the sun finally showed its face, and the days started to get warmer, other entertaining events outweighed my desire to train. Yard work, painting, afternoon beers, and playing with my friends, became more luring.

Well, the week before the race had finally arrived, and I admit that I began to worry. Of course, I fell ill the first couple of days of the week, leaving me separating my time between my bed and the couch, but I was able to pull myself together for one day of exercise midweek.. YIPES!

I had no business running this race, and I knew it… BUT I paid big money to run it, and it was kind of a tradition now…. So, knowing that my poor body would pay me back for what I was about to do…I vowed to run it!

The night before the race, I made equally good decisions, when I ate my weight in Pizza, and then fueled the rest of my body with cheap red wine, that went well with the Benadryl I took, to clear up my stuffy nose, and that at least led me to bed early, so I could say I got good sleep.

Today was race day. I awoke feeling like the holy hell I knew I would. I berated myself for my behavior and lack of discipline this year, as I was getting dressed. I was telling myself what an idiot I was for running this, as I pinned my number on my shirt. I could already feel the pain I was meant to endure, while double knotting the lace of my second shoe.

Off I went….

My body and brain fought hard against each other for the first 4 miles. I was still sick wasnt I? I couldnt run this far could I? Only 10 more miles to go! UGH! Despite this negative self talk, I found myself clipping along at a fairly good pace, and before I knew it, I was over half way. However, around mile 8, I found myself saying to myself “I DONT WANT TO RUN ONE MORE STEP”!!! My body said it was done…..

Almost miraculously, right when I said that, a man appeared to drop dead in front of me. I smiled, hoping this may be my way out. I would have to do CPR, and would be unable to finish this race!! At this point of the race, we were running on the race track of the INDY 500. There were few spectators allowed in this area, and it was difficult to find a medic. The man fell directly in the middle of the track, where runners were having to quickly divert themselves around him, so as not to cause a horrific accident due to trampling. Still, how could he help it?!

He had grabbed his chest and was rolling his body back and forth. He was an older gentleman, and it seemed clear that he was having a heart attack. We told him to relax, and asked if it was his chest. He didnt answer, only writhed in pain. The question was asked three more times, and the medic had been notified, before the man finally responded…. “Its my shoulder”!

Immediately I was deflated and began running, knowing that this man was not my way out. I found myself wondering what would make this asshole, drop down on the middle of the track over shoulder pain. Surely, he could have made his way to the grassy knoll to the side, to hold his shoulder. Since when does dropping to the ground and rolling around help shoulder pain anyway?!

Well, at least it diverted my attention away from my pain for a moment. I assumed he lived.

For the entire last 4 miles of the race, I suffered. Pain was shooting down my legs and back, mocking me. I walked some…I ran some…I whined to myself…and I talked myself into forging on. “This is what you get”!!

I finished the race in 2 hours and 10 minutes. Certainly not my best time, but one that I had no complaints about. Now, as I sit here, with my flaccid legs draped across a chair, and with a beer in my vicinity, I am pleased that I made myself run that race. I WILL PAY for it for the next couple of days, but I am thankful that I have a healthy body, that continues to bounce back!

This race is one that I used to run with my Mama P, before her passing this last October. I thought of her so much during my run, invisioning the pain that she went through, living with her both her debilitating cancer, and with the desire to be able to run again. This race was run for her…

Today, I say thank you God for allowing me to have the ability to run!!

 

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exorcise, funny, humor, humour, society

RETHINKING ASS-THETICS!

In most states, Indecent Exposure laws show that it is a crime to display ones genitals in a public place, especially if it causes another person to feel alarmed, ashamed, or offended in any manner. However, though it wasnt purposeful, and though NO ONE said anything outwardly to me, Im fairly certain I may have alarmed and offended a handful of people today, when I exposed a portion of my own shaded, private areas…

The day started out like most other days. I got up with the kids, poured my coffee, and sat idle for about 20 minutes, while I debated in my mind, whether I was awake enough to workout. Right before dropping them at school, I had coerced myself into changing into my workout clothes, and heading straight for the gym.

As I was driving, I was shamefully belting out the “life altering” lyrics to a Keith Urban song….”Take your cat and leave my sweater, we have nothing left to weather, in fact I'll feel a whole lot better”…. I looked over at the man in the suit next to me, driving the fancy BMW, to see if he was singing along too…but he wasnt. Like I said, it was just like every other day… Except for one thing…I wasnt wearing any underpants!

If you are feeling alarmed already, please dont. Women all over the world have been practicing this trade for years, dating all the way back to EVE. In fact, my friends have been making fun of me for sometime now, for wearing underwear under my workout pants.

While I do admit that it looks a little ridiculous to have a huge granny panty line under a pair of stretch pants, I have never been able to tolerate the seam of my pants being pushed up into my delicate nethers. However, recently I purchased a pair of tight shorts….Kind of like a biker short, but without the padding. I hadnt yet worn them, but since it was a nice day, and since I had decided to get in a spin class, I thought it was a good day to try them out.

I put them on over my “grannys”, and immediately noticed NOT only the line, but the winter dollops that I had packed on, in my derrière region. Those dollops happened to be distinctly separated by that same line! So, for the first time, in a long time, I went commando.

I was feeling self conscious when I walked into the gym, as though everyone was looking at me like “they knew”. I picked the bike in the very back of the room, and found myself looking at, and REALLY ASSESSING more backsides, than I ever have in my life. There were every shape and size of buttox before me, but what they all had in common, men and women alike, were tight pants!

I stared intently at their posterior parts throughout the entire workout. As all of my new friends began working up a sweat, I could tell exactly what they had under those shorts/pants. Some appeared to have nothing, some had thongs, some had full figured panties…Regardless, it did seem to me that the pants with nothing under them looked the best, at least ass-thetically!:)

For a moment, I was glad I had chosen to experiment with this phenomenon. Initially, the seam wasnt bothering me at all. That is, until I myself, worked up a sweat! I absolutely could not keep those shorts from getting snagged in regions that I didnt know could snag things. I felt like I got an extra workout, because half of my time was spent fetching fabric!!

In the beginning of this fiasco, I had felt happy about my bike choice, feeling relieved that no other biker would be judging my backside, like I was theirs. However, as I became obsessed with my own issues, I looked back to see that my backside was facing the entire gym, through non frosted glass!!

I finished my workout, and then quickly placed my sweatshirt around my waist, trying to cover up the sweat that looked like urine, caused by not having the extra layer of fabric to absorb it. I then quickly made my way home, to finally observe what the back of my own backside looked like now….

As you may have guessed, when my shorts got damp, they were see through!! Ive heard about the yoga pants that have had these issues, and even seen many random people at Walmart, wearing the see through pant with a tucked in shirt, but I honestly never thought it could happen to me… I guess thats how we all feel, until it happens to us.

I dont know how many people, or how much of my private property was seen, as I was in that hiked up position, trying to make my way uphill….but Im thankful that the police werent called, and that there were no children around. I think I will go back to the panty line from now on out.

Besides that though, somewhere in this whole process, I learned something valuable…

Sometimes the saying “Hindsights 20/20” can be true on so many different levels.

http://blacksportsonline.com/home/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/edelman-wet-butt.jpg

http://www.getmyfix.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/underwear-lines.png

 

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