exorcise, funny, health, humor, society, stories

Recycling Dreams…

 

As we make that transition from our greedy youth, to our greedy adulthood, some things are left unchanged. As adults, we continue to desire things that we dont have, or cannot afford.

There are some, who will fantasize about these items for the entirety of their lives, but never live with the means to afford their desired ammenities. It remains only a dream…

There are others who will buy their desired item without hesitation, because they

1. Have more money than they know what to do with.

or

2. Feel fine about signing their kids up for free meals at school, while maxing out every credit card they own, to have what they desire.

Still, there are the majority, not unlike myself, who live out a blend of the two lifestyles mentioned above.

While I am guilty of buying things on impulse, even things I cant afford, I also have a variety of dream items that I will most likely long for, for the rest of my life. I guess I feel lucky to have the insane ability to realize my full potential….Which happens to be in the middle of a ladder, that I've lost interest in climbing.

I have always known myself to be somewhat of a dreamer. If I see somebody doing something interesting, I think I need to learn the trade.

For instance, I once saw someone in a cool band, and I wanted to play the guitar….I saw someone country line dance on TV, and I needed some lessons…I saw someone icefishing, and I needed a pole…I watched a man balance on a unicycle, and thought that if I had one, I could really excel…and so on and so forth. BUT…The truth of the matter is, that sometimes I buy these things on impulse. While some of the items work out, the majority of the items just sit and gather dust, when I realize that I am not gifted with the trade.

Then there are the items that I dont buy on impulse, the ones I leave in the dream state. While most of them stay in the dream state, others come out of the dream state, when a loved one has noted one of your particular desires, and thinks of it as a good gift item…. These are generally the items that should have been left in the dream state, where your conscious left them in the first place!

But what I love most, are the desired items that turn out to be great investments. The ones that make us smile, knowing we spent our hard earned money well. Maybe a great pillow…a pair of roller skates…a good bottle of wine…OR A GREAT BIKE!!

For most of my adult life, I have longed for a good granny bike…You know, the ones with wide seats and handle bars, with the basket on the front to carry a small dog, or a six pack of beer? I never did buy one though, because the actual idea of biking has never truly interested me (this is likely due to the chaffing of my legs and bruising of my lady parts, every time I ride one, likely due to improper padding in the lining of my shorts). Regardless, this was a desire of mine that someone else noticed, and the bike was purchased as a gift to me. Sadly, aside from a couple of trial sessions with my kids, that bike sat rusting in the garage.

UNIL NOW….

Recently, my dear, loving, new bike riding companion, was gifted herself a new granny bike, after voicing her desired ammenity. That bike too, sat in the garage rusting for two solid months. UNTIL…our spontaneous decision FINALLY came to unify the bikes, and set sail peddles on a new adventure.

We set out with pride on our fancy new bikes, waving at anyone who would wave back. The idea was, we would drive 4 miles in one direction, stop for a beer, to rest our callusing hams half way through, and then ride 4 miles back, for a well rounded ride. It would be perfect!

The first of the obstacles we ran into was the ROAD CLOSED sign on our untrafficked path. Due to the barbed wire fencing, we couldnt even sneak past the construction, without gaping wounds…So around we turned!

We meandered our way instead on the sidewalks of busy streets, passing beautiful fast food restaraunts, and boarded up budget motels, almost getting ourselves hit by two oncoming cars in the process. We never did find a half way point, because we forgot that we live in a small town, and that every place is closed on Monday…Thats when we remembered that conservative people only drink beer Tuesday through Sunday.

Still, unrattled, we headed back, stopping at a local liquor store on the way. We not only needed a well deserved margarita when we got home, but we needed something to fill our baskets. One bottle of tequila and two 40's later, and the last leg of our trip was a breeze!!

This was yet another adventure added to my full life. I feel glad to have given an old dream a second chance, and feel certain that the bikes were good investments. As soon as I am able to sit again, I have every intention of getting right back on.

While some dreams will always remain dreams, its always important to believe that others can be realities.

“Learn from your dreams what you lack.” – W.H Auden



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Uncovering the Calm in the Chaos

The flavor was bursting in my mouth, though I was certain it was the idea surrounding the food, not the food itself. It tasted earthy, as though I could almost taste the soil upon my tongue, yet it was a taste so wonderful, that it left me smiling from somewhere deep down in my soul.

Now that the spring time has arrived, and is in full force, our busy lives have just doubled. With four kids, we stay pretty busy most of the time anyway, but the spring just seems to bring about more chaos. The only great perk to this increase in busywork is that with the increase in sunshine…comes more energy to conquer these things.

We have to worry about end of the year partys, graduations for every grade, and for most parents, this is a time when every teacher assigns the biggest end of year project, that no one has time to do. Our children are figety, and ready to be done with school…..AND what that means for the children in this particular home, is that I get more phone calls home from the principal.

If thats not enough, the spring sporting events start, leaving us traveling from one sport to the other, with lawn chairs, winter coats, tank tops, water bottles, coffee mugs, sunglasses, gloves, umbrellas, fancy jade HUNTER rainboots, and a small flask filled with cheap liquor, to get us through the day. There is simply no way to be ready for the weather this time of year.

Then, after we fit all that in, we still have to clean up our yards, open our pools, plan our summer vacations, and still find time to grocery shop, pay bills, cook dinner, clean the house, get homework done, and hope that all of our children will survive the season, without having to unleash the wrath of our tightly wound, stressed bodies, while keeping a smile on our faces.

Our weekend was busy as usual. We had birthday slumber parties, gifts to buy for slumber parties, and bags to pack. We had people spending the night, leaving the dreaded question “Are we allowed to drink wine or arent we”! Saturday, the kids had a 5k to run for their school, and we immediately followed that up with my sons baseball game. After freezing our asses off there, my mom and I vowed to drag our old and tired bodies to shop at the Dress barn. She had daisy dollars burning a hole in her pocket, and we needed dresses for our upcoming graduation parties, and other summer gala's.

Today, we tried to tidy up, for the upcoming week. We needed to mow, pull weeds, pot plants, and still had to arrange to take our overnight guest home. In the middle of the day, I had to take my son to the entire opposite side of town for his last Choir performance of the season. They had to be there 3 hours early, and because I wasnt willing to waste my day away, waiting for it to start, I drove home in between. That meant I instead, I wasted two hours driving in the car. Brilliant!!

We finally got home around six, and then dinner and school projects still prevailed.

The thing is, in todays day and age, our lives revolve around our children. They have to be given the best of every opportunity, or we feel like we are not doing our jobs. Often, I find this whole idea absurd, and refuse to live my life, basing it on what practice or game we have to get to….Life is more than all of that!!

Yet, my actions speak louder than words…..

As I listened to the end of my sons concert, the conductor gave a small speech before the last song. He was informing us all about the importance of camps for our kids. Of course they had one to offer, which was astronomically priced. This made me think about all of the people that I know, that spare no expense to send their kids to camp. Though I have considered sending one of my children a time or two, I never thought it would be worth the money for the time spent!! They dont even get to stay the night at any of these camps…..and many of them encourage me to stay and watch my childs growth in the community!!

How exactly does this benefit me???

Well, the other day, while visiting the inner city with some of my friends, we stopped at the public library. Not to get books, but to utilize their bathroom. While waiting in line, we noticed that there was a flyer for a summer camp for kids. They had to be 11, but the entire 6 week camp, was only $30!!!

Immediately we giggled, knowing this was probably a camp to question. Many people pay 15 to 20 dollars a day for childcare…..Was this a dream come true?! It certainly seemed like it had a lot to offer! They just must not have a lot of overhead costs right? Well, I havent ruled it out entirely, as three of my children will be over 11 soon… For a mere $60, my kids could get the camp they've always thought they dreamed of, for the ENTIRE summer!!

Regardless of whether the DREAM camp happens or not, it is clear that I too, cater to my childrens needs and desires. Despite that, each of us got something accomplished that we wanted to do this weekend, and now it was time to relax a minute before bed…..

When we got home from the concert, the rest of my family had already eaten without us. There were two plates left to the side, for my son and I to heat up, and we sat down to eat together. In our periphery, we noticed a plate of fresh vegetables, and a strainer that held lettuce. It was a type of lettuce that we dont often eat. Right about the time that we were going to get it, my other children busted through the door, excited to see if we had eaten the lettuce from our very own garden!! The excitement on their face was enough to make me smile. As I ate the earthy foliage, it gave me a little nostalgia for the simpler things in life. For no other reason, except that we each played a role in what we were eating, it was the best I had ever tasted…. and I knew to them it was too.

I felt grateful to have found a bit of spring calm, in the midst of all of the chaos…..

 

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Last Year, Last Month, Last Week, and Today….

It was a week ago, when I really started focusing on the fact that I would truly have to run in the half marathon that I had signed myself up for, almost a year ago. To some of you, it may seem like that is plenty of time to prepare for an event like this… and in reality, it is. However, sometimes my brain, my body, and my social life, seem to differ on the idea of what should be done to prepare.

This is certainly not the first time I have run one of these. In fact, this is about the 8th year in a row I have done it. I have run it with little training, and I have run it fully trained. Believe me when I say the body rewards you heavily, when you are prepared versus unprepared. Last month, after running the 15K, that was supposed to be a part of my training plan, my body was tattered, hurt, and yelling at me in language that I found to be innapropriate. I told myself then, that I would use the rest of the month, before the big race, to get my body into better shape.

……Well I didnt…..

The entire month I lived my life weighing everything on an imaginary scale. I did run/exercise, just not to the extent I should have been. Its just that as the sun finally showed its face, and the days started to get warmer, other entertaining events outweighed my desire to train. Yard work, painting, afternoon beers, and playing with my friends, became more luring.

Well, the week before the race had finally arrived, and I admit that I began to worry. Of course, I fell ill the first couple of days of the week, leaving me separating my time between my bed and the couch, but I was able to pull myself together for one day of exercise midweek.. YIPES!

I had no business running this race, and I knew it… BUT I paid big money to run it, and it was kind of a tradition now…. So, knowing that my poor body would pay me back for what I was about to do…I vowed to run it!

The night before the race, I made equally good decisions, when I ate my weight in Pizza, and then fueled the rest of my body with cheap red wine, that went well with the Benadryl I took, to clear up my stuffy nose, and that at least led me to bed early, so I could say I got good sleep.

Today was race day. I awoke feeling like the holy hell I knew I would. I berated myself for my behavior and lack of discipline this year, as I was getting dressed. I was telling myself what an idiot I was for running this, as I pinned my number on my shirt. I could already feel the pain I was meant to endure, while double knotting the lace of my second shoe.

Off I went….

My body and brain fought hard against each other for the first 4 miles. I was still sick wasnt I? I couldnt run this far could I? Only 10 more miles to go! UGH! Despite this negative self talk, I found myself clipping along at a fairly good pace, and before I knew it, I was over half way. However, around mile 8, I found myself saying to myself “I DONT WANT TO RUN ONE MORE STEP”!!! My body said it was done…..

Almost miraculously, right when I said that, a man appeared to drop dead in front of me. I smiled, hoping this may be my way out. I would have to do CPR, and would be unable to finish this race!! At this point of the race, we were running on the race track of the INDY 500. There were few spectators allowed in this area, and it was difficult to find a medic. The man fell directly in the middle of the track, where runners were having to quickly divert themselves around him, so as not to cause a horrific accident due to trampling. Still, how could he help it?!

He had grabbed his chest and was rolling his body back and forth. He was an older gentleman, and it seemed clear that he was having a heart attack. We told him to relax, and asked if it was his chest. He didnt answer, only writhed in pain. The question was asked three more times, and the medic had been notified, before the man finally responded…. “Its my shoulder”!

Immediately I was deflated and began running, knowing that this man was not my way out. I found myself wondering what would make this asshole, drop down on the middle of the track over shoulder pain. Surely, he could have made his way to the grassy knoll to the side, to hold his shoulder. Since when does dropping to the ground and rolling around help shoulder pain anyway?!

Well, at least it diverted my attention away from my pain for a moment. I assumed he lived.

For the entire last 4 miles of the race, I suffered. Pain was shooting down my legs and back, mocking me. I walked some…I ran some…I whined to myself…and I talked myself into forging on. “This is what you get”!!

I finished the race in 2 hours and 10 minutes. Certainly not my best time, but one that I had no complaints about. Now, as I sit here, with my flaccid legs draped across a chair, and with a beer in my vicinity, I am pleased that I made myself run that race. I WILL PAY for it for the next couple of days, but I am thankful that I have a healthy body, that continues to bounce back!

This race is one that I used to run with my Mama P, before her passing this last October. I thought of her so much during my run, invisioning the pain that she went through, living with her both her debilitating cancer, and with the desire to be able to run again. This race was run for her…

Today, I say thank you God for allowing me to have the ability to run!!

 

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RETHINKING ASS-THETICS!

In most states, Indecent Exposure laws show that it is a crime to display ones genitals in a public place, especially if it causes another person to feel alarmed, ashamed, or offended in any manner. However, though it wasnt purposeful, and though NO ONE said anything outwardly to me, Im fairly certain I may have alarmed and offended a handful of people today, when I exposed a portion of my own shaded, private areas…

The day started out like most other days. I got up with the kids, poured my coffee, and sat idle for about 20 minutes, while I debated in my mind, whether I was awake enough to workout. Right before dropping them at school, I had coerced myself into changing into my workout clothes, and heading straight for the gym.

As I was driving, I was shamefully belting out the “life altering” lyrics to a Keith Urban song….”Take your cat and leave my sweater, we have nothing left to weather, in fact I'll feel a whole lot better”…. I looked over at the man in the suit next to me, driving the fancy BMW, to see if he was singing along too…but he wasnt. Like I said, it was just like every other day… Except for one thing…I wasnt wearing any underpants!

If you are feeling alarmed already, please dont. Women all over the world have been practicing this trade for years, dating all the way back to EVE. In fact, my friends have been making fun of me for sometime now, for wearing underwear under my workout pants.

While I do admit that it looks a little ridiculous to have a huge granny panty line under a pair of stretch pants, I have never been able to tolerate the seam of my pants being pushed up into my delicate nethers. However, recently I purchased a pair of tight shorts….Kind of like a biker short, but without the padding. I hadnt yet worn them, but since it was a nice day, and since I had decided to get in a spin class, I thought it was a good day to try them out.

I put them on over my “grannys”, and immediately noticed NOT only the line, but the winter dollops that I had packed on, in my derrière region. Those dollops happened to be distinctly separated by that same line! So, for the first time, in a long time, I went commando.

I was feeling self conscious when I walked into the gym, as though everyone was looking at me like “they knew”. I picked the bike in the very back of the room, and found myself looking at, and REALLY ASSESSING more backsides, than I ever have in my life. There were every shape and size of buttox before me, but what they all had in common, men and women alike, were tight pants!

I stared intently at their posterior parts throughout the entire workout. As all of my new friends began working up a sweat, I could tell exactly what they had under those shorts/pants. Some appeared to have nothing, some had thongs, some had full figured panties…Regardless, it did seem to me that the pants with nothing under them looked the best, at least ass-thetically!:)

For a moment, I was glad I had chosen to experiment with this phenomenon. Initially, the seam wasnt bothering me at all. That is, until I myself, worked up a sweat! I absolutely could not keep those shorts from getting snagged in regions that I didnt know could snag things. I felt like I got an extra workout, because half of my time was spent fetching fabric!!

In the beginning of this fiasco, I had felt happy about my bike choice, feeling relieved that no other biker would be judging my backside, like I was theirs. However, as I became obsessed with my own issues, I looked back to see that my backside was facing the entire gym, through non frosted glass!!

I finished my workout, and then quickly placed my sweatshirt around my waist, trying to cover up the sweat that looked like urine, caused by not having the extra layer of fabric to absorb it. I then quickly made my way home, to finally observe what the back of my own backside looked like now….

As you may have guessed, when my shorts got damp, they were see through!! Ive heard about the yoga pants that have had these issues, and even seen many random people at Walmart, wearing the see through pant with a tucked in shirt, but I honestly never thought it could happen to me… I guess thats how we all feel, until it happens to us.

I dont know how many people, or how much of my private property was seen, as I was in that hiked up position, trying to make my way uphill….but Im thankful that the police werent called, and that there were no children around. I think I will go back to the panty line from now on out.

Besides that though, somewhere in this whole process, I learned something valuable…

Sometimes the saying “Hindsights 20/20” can be true on so many different levels.

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Treat Her Right..and She Will Treat You Better

I hit the snooze button for the second time, and I immediately hated myself for doing so. Still, I dozed in and out for 10 more minutes, knowing it was going to make me run late, just like every other day of my life.

I have known for about 6 months now, that I was signed up to run this 15K, on this day. For some reason though, knowing this, apparently wasn't enough to motivate me to start training properly for the event. Since I had already paid my dollars for this race, and since I knew I would be running a half marathon in only one more month, I decided to see where my body was in this process. Believe me when I say, I knew I would struggle….

When I finally got myself out of the bed, I was faced with every obstacle possible….and I was running late.

I had set my outfit out the night before, but forgot to put my sports bra in the stack. I have a number of these bras in my posession, but I only like to wear one or two of them. I was searching frantically, making it necessary for me to turn on the bright light above Renees head, to wake her up to help me find it in order to dig through my dresser to find them. I ran down to look in the dryer, only to find that the dog had pooped everywhere on the floor, even smearing it into the rug. I leaped over it, dodging it to the best of my ability, but was dissapointed to find NO bra..I never found them, and had to settle for my raggedy ones.

Next, I needed to focus on food. Normally before a race, I would eat peanut butter toast and a banana. However, all of the bananas were rotten, and we had no bread. I did manage to find some partially stale bagels, so I threw them in, but then panicked when I couldnt find the peanut butter.

While they were toasting, I was scurrying to gather my supplies. I had managed to get Renee up at this point, due to my outward groaning and complaining. I needed gum, my music, Chapstick, the armband to hold my music, money to park, and coffee…OH how I needed coffee!….

Renee, being the kind, generous soul that she is, helped me get out the door, but I was beginning to think she was only doing it for her own benefit.

Luckily I had found peanut butter in the back of the cabinet, and began to shove the bagel down my throat, as I sped to get on the highway. I had thirty minutes before the race started, and knew I probably should stretch. I was starting to calm myself down, telling myself that I had plenty of time, until I realilzed that I had not brought any earbuds for my music!! I tried not to panic, telling myself that I could just run 9 miles without the headset…but quickly told myself that I was an idiot!

I wasnt prepared for this race, and I knew I would not be able to bear listening to myself suffocate for the last 6 miles of this race! I made a quick stop at the gas station, praying that they would have a cheap set….They didnt! I was almost in tears as I reached my car. I said one last prayer, hoping that one of my children had left some in the back seat. I dug in, and in the middle of the crack, between the seats, I saw one ear bud sticking out. YEAH!!! Thank you GOD!

I got to the race eight minutes before start time. I reminded myself how dumb I was for doing this, even as I was pinning my number to my shirt. I got to stretch my legs for about 2 minutes, before we were off! This time, I had promised myself that I would not push myself too hard. I would simply enjoy listening to the music, while enjoying the run. I was NOT going to focus on my time…my only goal was to finish.

I struggled through my first few miles, until I talked myself into slowing down. By mile 5 I had settled into a comfortable pace, and let the music overtake my mind. Unfortunately, that is when the blister began forming on the arch of my right foot. Still, I kept running.

At mile 7, my legs were telling me they were taking a good hit, but I was feeling surprisingly better than I thought I would. I forged on, and only ended up walking through one water station, at mile 8. I was pleased to finally see the end, and the only thing keeping me from shedding a tear, were my children…rooting me on at the finish! I waved, smiled, and whispered “Im almost finished”!

I finished in less time than I thought, still able to keep my average time under 10 minute miles. It certainly wasnt my fastest race…but I had finished. I was proud of myself for conquering all my obstacles.

I limped my way to the car, hobbled my way into my house, and sat down to delicately pull my sock off of my fresh new blister. I was hurting bad. It took me many minutes to reach the top of my stairs, due to all of my leg muscles pulling me the opposite way. After showering, I leaned down to pick up laundry off of the floor and my heart began to race into my throat, and wouldnt come down. I was now laying flat on the floor of the hallway…calling my son for help!

As I laid there for the next 5 minutes, waiting for my heart rate to resume at a normal pace, I was thinking about how pathetic I looked in that moment. Im not in my youth anymore, and I need to treat my body nicer.

I apologized to my body and promised I would try to be nicer.

“As soon as I am able to walk again, I will definately train you better”!

NO FN LN DIVISION OVERALL DIVPL SEXPL GUNTIME TIME PACE
printradius 3525 TIA F3539 389 31/90 141/536 1:32:07 1:31:16 9:48

 

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha


 

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THE LIMIT OF ADVENTURE

My eyes were focused and my ears were turned on, as instructions were given. I nodded my understanding, and my eyes scaled the room and all it entailed. It was an environment that I had never been in, which is something that happens frequently since children have come into our lives. We are always looking for something different to do, and something different to see.

One leg in….and then the next. Leg straps were tightened…..and then the waist. Special shoes were then tied tightly, and my positive attitude was in check. I was ready to do this.

I placed my hand on the first handle, and tried to steady my foot as well as possible. The tiny rock that I chose to stand on, seemed a little smaller than a rock that I may have chosen to stand on in the real world, but I gave it a try. I had only moved up a couple of notches, before my heart rate was up and I began to sweat.

I was at a slant, and it became difficult to hold my entire upper body up, holding onto nothing but a tiny rock that they considered to be a handle. My forearms were apparently not as strong as I hoped, and they began to shake. I looked to my left, where I saw one of my children harnessed in, and climbing past me in a brisk fashion….all the way to the top. Of course, they werent at a slant….but still! So, I brought my concentration back to my own rocks, and vowed that I could at least grab the next rock up. I mustered up all my strength, pulled my body as close to the wall as possible, and then let go, reaching as far up as I could for a handle, before my body started its process of coming back down.

I reached…Oh how I reached……but I just couldnt get a good grasp! I fell straight back onto the safety mat with an embarrasing thud. I realized immediately that I should have brought chalk!:) Thats what the professionals appeared to be using.

Over and over again, I fell on that mat, and I became sore in areas that I wouldnt have imagined. When Renee had a chance to attach me to the safety harness, I did make it to the top a few times, but most of the time I fell off, which left me swinging in the air for all to see, until she safely lowered me to the ground. After two hours of playing “rock climbing”, I still considered the situation a success, though we were all exhausted, and left with blisters on all of our fingers.

I dont know why I always feel its necessary to join in all of these sorts of activities. I just have never been one of those mothers who likes to take their kids somewhere fun, while I sit at a table and watch them. My kids know that if the activity that they want to do is going to leave me bored, then we arent going to be doing it!!

After a good nights rest, and elevation of all of my extremities, I reluctantly agreed to roller skate the next day. Again, I had no interest in sitting at the plastic tables watching them spin around in circles for hours, so I joined in. Dont be thinking that they hang out with me either. NO…….!! They avoid me like the plague. I generally look like some middle aged crazy lady, who appears to be chasing random children, and challenging them to a race. So far, no restraining orders have been issued.

I skate in circles the entire time. I busy myself by taking in the hill jack scenery, playing the games the DJ makes up, and skate dancing to good songs. I even go in the middle when its a song where only backwards skaters can be on the rink. Here I can practice becoming a backwards skater, with all of the other preteen children….. BUT I STILL CANT GET IT!!

As the minutes passed, I watched the kids pile in more and more. With each new child, brings a new obstacle. Its not hard to skate in a circle, but when kids are falling and thrusting their bodies in front of your skates, it becomes a little more dangerous. The same ones fall over and over and just get back up. They dont care if their femur bone is sticking out, or if their nose has been torn off in the fall, they REFUSE to stop skating.

Then there are the bratty kids that are really good skaters that like to do fancy skate moves right in front of your nose, resulting in grown adults losing their balance and increasing their risk of falling. I CANT STAND THOSE KIDS!

One time, while OH MICKEY YOURE SO FINE was playing overhead, I was working on my own tricks. I was skating with my left hand behind my back….then would quickly switch to holding my right hand behind my back….and on a turn! In the middle of my risky turn, I saw one of those bratty kids hurl himself in front of an adult male. I thought for sure he would fall. Then he would fall into me, my hand would be behind my back in a trick, I wouldnt be able to properly catch myself, and I would likely break my hip. I could see it so clearly…But it didnt happen as I planned!

Instead, the man literally pushed the boy to the ground! He then puffed his chest out and glared at the boy. The boy just stared at him in shock, and I burst out laughing.

THAT WAS AWESOME!!

It was another successful spring break week in my opinion…though Im fairly sure I nearly reached my ultimate low…

Later, those same bratty “good” skating boys were being unsafe on the rink. I had had it! Finally, I became very brave. I approached the teenage boy who was manning the rink, and……I TOLD ON THEM!! HAHA!

Every mother has her limit…

 

 

 

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Its All Fun and Games Until Someone’s Neck SNAPS

Ive never heard of someone being paralyzed from the waist up, or at least Ive never met anyone claiming to have it. However today, I feel as though I have acquired this debilitating disorder (minus the use of my hands….for typing of course).

Yesterdays festivities have rendered me useless. I awoke feeling as though I had been beat in the back of the head with a police wand….

What festivities?….. You may have assumed that I stayed up too late watching the Superbowl, and all the joys it had to offer. Perhaps you think I may have torn a ligament or some cartilege, in response to all of the cheering, fist pumping, and massive amount of couch jumping, while watching the replays of such a fascinating game. Maybe you are simply nodding your head in unison with me, thinking “Oh, I know how you feel…I had one too many beverages myself”!……Well you would be wrong!

Yesterday, I met with my family for my neices 1st birthday party. Dont get me wrong, we had plenty of wine to cheers the fact that she has lived a full year in this family, but that isn't what's caused my current demise.

The thing is, my mother gets bright ideas almost everytime we are together. Most of the time, her ideas lead to someone getting hurt, and other times….they just dont make sense.

Take for instance her fascination with having us all put our foreheads together when taking a family picture. This seems fairly painless, if you don't consider the looks of onlookers, who are quickly gathering their children to safety. We all try to tell her we would rather not, but her persistence always pays off. Plus….secretly, it is somewhat amusing. 🙂

Yesterday, her persistance paid off again, though I was much more reluctant to follow through. I almost volunteered to do a whole photo shoot, with every member of my family placing their forehead on mine, and even considered going the extra mile and suggest we wear “old time western wear”, just to get out of it…..but I didnt want to be considered a chicken.

For the past week, she has been filling our heads, and telling us ahead of time, that we all need to come up with a different gymnastics routine, so that we would have something different to do on our next camp trip this spring. We all said we would, knowing we wouldnt be practicing the routine until she MADE us, at the next family event….AND here we were.

Her first idea was reasonable. She would perform a forward roll, while someone else did a cartwheel over the top of her at the same time. She quickly got a volunteer for that stunt, knowing that the stunts would only get worse from there. However, my sister didn't bank on the fact that my mom cant do a forward roll, and only rotates sideways, resulting in my sister hitting her head on my moms head, and possibly causing a concussion, that we all knew would never be checked.

Next….tripod handstands. I admitted I was good at these, so I got the part…SO did my already concussed sister. The task seemed simple enough. All we had to do was balance in a synchronized fashion….That is, until she became bored watching that stunt! It wasnt fancy enough for her liking.

So, this time, she wanted us to balance in our headstands, while facing each other, and then slowly, with our toes pointed, reach a leg toward each other to intertwine them…..Clearly we werent trained for this, and since I didnt want to risk my sister falling on me, I quickly fell in her direction, leading to a possible pubic bone fracture, that would still not keep her from performing. As you may have figured, this too, did not meet my mothers performance standards, so she added even more.

Lastly, and for the most daring part of that stunt, she wanted us to balance in the headstands, with our legs in a VEE, and then stay steady enough for my tiny, 100 lb sister in law to do the splits between us, using our nethers as a balance beam!! This didnt sound like a good idea to me from the start….NO ONE cared what I thought.

As I tried to focus on balancing, my sister in law was sadly placed upon my loins. Immediately, I felt immense pain and started to see black spots. I started to panic when I realized that either my spine had just separated from my brainstem, the nerves to my eyes had just been severed, or I was bleeding to death externally from somewhere I couldnt see. Either way, I knew my consciousness was going in and out, and I quit immediately. After moving all of my extremities, I felt certain that I, at the very least, had been concussed.

I was much more hesitant in doing any further stunts after this. I participated, reluctantly, in a few more dangerous feats of strength, before quitting all together. After my mom and family taunted me about being a quitter, my mother allowed for others to try out, to find a repacement for my role as the tripod handstandist, that holds up people with their strong genitals. Normally, this would bother me, but I was concussed, and probably should have been wearing a neck brace. I watched as so many others tried out, and then fractured their necks too…. I never once felt bad about giving up my role.

Did we have a ball?….Absolutely! Did anyone have to go to the hospital?….Surprisingly, No. Did we ever see one of our children…even once, during these feats of strength???….They were too frightened.

The problem is NOT that these acts aren't good ideas…they are! The problem is that we are all aging, and our bones, muscles, cartilage and ligaments dont move that way anymore…at least not the way they should. In just a couple of weeks, I will be turning an entire year older. The sooner I get that in my mind, the better. However, Im starting to believe that it doesnt matter how old we get… This family wont quit until someone's spine ACTUALLY breaks!!

Until then…..Im going to rest my neck!

 

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