dancing, friendship, funny, humor, society, stories

The TRUE Beauty of Pain….

My brain was pulsating to the sound of the alarm clock, as I slowly moved my aching body, to locate the phone that I seemed to have hidden just hours before. It had been awhile since I had damaged my body in this fashion, and it seemed to me, that it hurt just a little worse than the last time…something I tell myself everytime.

Still, after pushing the snooze button once, and in between pushing it several more times thereafter, I was able to piece together all of the glamorous parts of my night, that led to this beautiful disaster.

….We we're dressed to the nines as we stepped out, into the inviting night. Black cocktail dresses, ruby red lips, feather boas, and of course…the mask.

The mask….so tribal looking, yet striking, and perfectly descriptive of the person below it. Walking proudly through the lobby of our downtown hotel, we could feel the eyes upon us. Some filled with questions, but MOST appeared filled with envy, AND mixed with a little desire.

As we gingerly slid our way into the back seat of our black uber car (which was only black by coincidence), I began to feel my status rise. I had never been to a masquerade ball before, and the glamour behind the idea of it, gave me back visions of childhood fantasies and dreams. After weeks on end of talking about it, the moment was finally here!!

We stepped inside the old train station to find tall ceilings, dimly lit rooms, a sea of people dressed in fancy dresses and suits, and the highly anticipated, eighties rap music, of “Two White Crew“, was pumping through the sound waves.

We checked our coats, took a few selfies, and then I began hobbling my way into the room with the biggest venue. My new nude pumps were cute as could be, but the toilet paper that I shoved in the tips of the toes, and then later at the back of my heels, was starting to rub against the seam of my panty hose, and was adding unnecessary pressure to my fully bent toes inside the shoe. With excitement still in tow, I fought through the pain, and tried to focus on using my thighs, more than my calves to walk.

We had seen several fun looking masks on the way in, but looking at the crowd as a whole, had us thinking that maybe it wasn't a masquerade ball afterall. In fact, there were so few masks, that I would certainly have recognized any person that approached me…. given that I knew who they were in the first place. Maybe the higher ups were taking bets on just how many idiots would fall for this mask wearing scheme……?!

….Well, all 17 of us wore our masks proudly. We had worked ourselves up too much, to let this deflate our dreams of attending a real live masquerade ball!! Those masks were worn, until sweat was dripping off our faces. We danced, we sang, and we drank merrily, until the midnight hour rang in! So far, this New Year was happy!!

We danced the night away among strangers, until the flesh had literally been worn off the tips of my toes. Lucky for me, my loving companion had been eyeing my fancy shoes since the moment I bought them. She happily agreed to trade me, claiming that she had always dreamed of owning this same pair. However, not even an hour had passed, when her own knees started buckling with each step, due to the pain these gems were causing. I had to remind her often that beauty was painful, because there was no way in hell I was putting those shoes back on!!!

Midnight came and went, and our middle aged bodies still found themselves in a mass of other middle aged people dancing to “Pump up the Jam”…. only now it was a slow song. Non lasting friendships began to form around us. People were starting to spill champagne on one another a little more often, and less and less people cared about getting champagne on their fancy dresses. The dancing was becoming a little more personal, and masks and shoes had started to come off. All of these were perfect signs that IT WAS TIME TO GO!!

“Get out! Get out now”! was chanted by security in unison. Though people were moving out the door in a slow fashion, no one was really fighting them. Still, they lunged at us, like they were about to bust out the tazers, tear gas, and police batons, if we didn't move our ailing bodies a little faster. Not wanting to risk getting our dresses bloodied up, with our own scalp blood, we opted to leave.

With smeared makeup, flattened hair, and barefoot, our uber car had dropped us safely at the entrance of the hotel. The event had come and gone, much quicker than the anticipation for the Gala itself.

I turned the alarm off one last time, and stood up. I held tight to my forehead, as I packed the rest of my things. Though I wished I would have had one less glass of champagne, I chalked it up to being worth it. I added another adventure to this short life, I had more fun than I could have ever envisioned, and I spent it with the very person who made it that much more fun!!

Happy New Year to you all!!

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dancing, funny, humor, kids, society

The EVE of the EVE of New Years

As the last of the dry pine needles fall off of our half dead trees, Christmas becomes yet another memory of years past. All of the anxiety, joy, stress, and love that is combined, to make the perfect potion for Christmas spirit, is packaged up and saved for yet another year. However, just as we try to allow for our neck muscles to relax, after we've accepted the fact that we've crushed our childrens dreams forever, because they didn't get their desired prize, even after acting less than perfect this year……just as we vow to cut down our calories (minus wine), and eat nutritiously until next Christmas…just as we promise ourselves that we will take down the Christmas lights next week, that we know will not only stay, but will be the decorations for every other holiday for the coming year….

…..Its time to plan for New Years!!

Actually, I never remember being much of a die hard eve of the year celebrator.

I do recall worrying about not having plans on New Years like the rest of the cool kids, but was usually content playing euchre, and cheersing in the New Year, with old acquaintances that weren't forgot. I never had to drive anywhere, no one really cared if I blacked out, and people actually cheered, if I happened to lose a game of the popular poker game they were playing back in those days.

I've danced the night away with high falutin friends in classy places… I've swayed in unison with large groups, dancing the electric slide and the Macarena until dawn, and chasing tequila shots with bottles exposing purple mountains, alongside friends that have less standards. I've celebrated in different homes, different cities, and different states…sometimes with distant friends, and sometimes with family.

Although I've had a multitude of New Years adventures in all my years, ones that other people could probably recollect better than myself, the last six plus years have been spent celebrating with my children.

When they were younger, I could get away with setting the clock 4 hours ahead of time… lying gracefully, and tucking my tired babies in bed at eight, only to plead for the midnight hour to come quickly, so I could rest my own weary eyes. When they got old enough to know the difference, those nights were filled with Cards, board games, twister, and entire games of monopoly. The horns that were doled out, blew into our ears, entirely past the level of comfort, and usually ended in someone's arms being nearly pulled out of socket. Then the next day consisted of misery, as I nursed a slight headache and listened to tired children bicker over nothing except, in my opinion….lost sleep. Those were, and still are, the good ole days…ones I will remember for years to come.

Truthfully, I've celebrated the holiday every year, staying up until at least 12:05… Well, every year but one… BUT who wasn't terrified of being struck dead at the turn of midnight…2000? We were supposed to be celebrating like it was 1999, but I made myself go to bed early, so that when Y2K stole my soul, I maybe wouldn't know it happened…..

Well….Not this year!!!! This year, I've got myself giddy with the anticipation of this New Years eve to come!! I officially bought tickets my first Masquerade ball. After purchasing my new fancy dress, mask and accessories, I've become useless to anyone….unless they want to talk about the ball, my dress, my date, or my shoes and hose. Its truly going to be a gala to remember!

The only downfall?….I have worked myself into such an excitement tizzy that I have grown two acne horns above my right eye!!! What will I do???…

Oh I remember….WEAR A MASK!!;)

 

 

http://blinkofaneyephotographync.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/first-Christmas-tree-001.jpg

 

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food, funny, humor, humour, kids, society

Public Mastication

I watched a professional woman masticate in public today with a smile on her face. She was young….pretty even… and I guessed her to be a young doctor in training.

I admit that I was a little grouchy as I made my way to work this morning. I was tired, and was running late as usual. I rushed in the building and pushed the elevator button, trying to hurriedly make may way to my unit, hoping desperately to clock in before I was considered late. Luckily, the elevator doors opened immediately. Not luckily, there were slow stragglers still making their way on, taking their own sweet time to load the elevator.

Immediately, my eyes went to the chipper lady with her breakfast burrito. It was clear by the way she was looking at that burrito that she was in mid mastication. She apparently found it necessary to lick her bacon before eating it, and the sound she was making with her lips and tongue was making me physically nauseated. Could she not have waited to eat this until she reached her designated floor? As much as I wanted to look away from her, I couldnt stop glaring at her. The amount of irritation I was feeling was seeping out of my pores.

I suddenly invisioned grabbing the sandwich out of her hand, and punching her delicately in the throat, before I threw the food on the ground and smashed it with my orthopedic looking work shoe. I then, would smile sincerely at her before briskly exiting the elevator.

That short ride I took on the elevator seemed to last minutes. Just as I thought she couldnt annoy me anymore than she was already, she turned and looked directly at me. She said, while laughing stupidly “This is my second breakfast already. Its not right is it”?

No it was not!

I forced myself to smirk at her, but I only glared at her more, before exiting the elevator, finally leaving her to masticate in private.

After I drank another cup of coffee, I started berating myself for my negative, ungodly attitude this morning. Surely, I had masticated in public before, when Ive been in a rush. I needed to get my attitude in check, and figure out why I was being so hateful.

What I came to realize is that it was April Fools Day. This is a day that is perfect for my shenanigans, yet I had nothing planned. It was making me feel inept and worthless, and I was taking it out on others.

As the day went on, I perked up. I tried to cheer myself up by trying a couple of small pranks…but they both failed! One of my friends refused to believe that my period date was 2 weeks past, and that I thought I was with child. She called my bluff, remembering exactly the last time I complained about my menstrual cycle.

Next, I tried to tell another friend that I was going to have to cancel our upcoming trip, and she said “April Fools day”, before I could say it! I was mad as an old wet hen!! Why couldnt they just let me say it, when they knew how important it was to me??

Anyway, I was feeling depressed by the time I left work. No one would fall for my dumb old pranks today!

I made my way home, and made my way up to my room to change my clothes. Then I decided to go to the bathroom, before making my way downstairs. As I went to sit down, I noticed Saran Wrap placed across the toilet seat….a prank Ive pulled on my children in the past. Then, I saw my Ipad close by, and noticed it had been Saran Wrapped too…

These girls of mine were trying to prank a prankster, and I was going to deflate their ego as my own had been depleted earlier that day. I removed the Saran Wrap, so I wouldnt have to sit in my own urine, and I thought….. I thought hard!

I havent gotten a response yet, but Im still waiting to see if my youngest daughter will brush her teeth with the toothbrush that I have dipped in hot sauce, and if my oldest daughter will be frightened by the human body that I have stuffed and adorned with a large massive black wig, white doll face, and work boot that will touch her as she slips into bed.

Im hoping desperately to take my mind off of masticating once and for all, and improve my mood before this day is out!!

Happy April Fools Day!!

http://www.nonegw.org/images/awe.jpg

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family, humor, kids, mom humor, parenting, poetry

A Birthday Poem to My Phenomenal Daughter

 

I cannot believe that its 12 that youre turning!

Though Im happy for you, for me its concerning.

While I will always view you as my little baby,

I cant help but think it makes me look like an old lady!

 

It seems amazing to me to see how fast you've grown,

and Im even more impressed with how often you are on that phone.

Only one more year before you grace this family with your teens!

I wonder how many more eye rolls, before I enlist you in the marines?!


Honestly though, so far I feel lucky!

You dont often talk back, and you know the capital of Kentucky!

You are helpful and listen, and help me to keep this place in shape,

and you've grown used to tolerating my love for the fermened grape!

 

You are an inspiring child who continues to teach me new things.

You are so sweet and considerate, that I often wonder if you have hidden wings.

You care about others, and never put yourself first.

You have so much to offer, even when you feel you're at your worst.


I grow nervous watching you bravely step into the giant world ahead.

I never want to see your heart break…. Its the one thing that I dread.

You're incredibly smart and you always have the best of intentions.

You're nothing like me, who would already have had 9 or 10 detentions.

 

You constantly remind others that you had no choice,

when I act overly silly and use too loud of a voice.

You are technically right when you say Im not your “biological” mother,

but one thing's for sure…I wouldnt have picked any other.

 

I promise to always pick you up, when you fall short or falter,

and I want you to know how proud I am to call you my daugher!

 

Happy Birthday my love!!

 

Mama T

 

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fame, food, friendship, funny, humor, humour, society

Sometimes The BEST Plan Is NOT to Have One!

If you feel like you havent quite figured me out entirely yet, I will let you in on a few secrets….I like to be the center of attention, I love to be entertained at all times, and Im bossy….VERY bossy.

This just so happens to be my birthday week. Ive been rallying for people to celebrate it all month, and for the most part, I have gotten my wish. This week, two of my best buddies volunteered to plan “day number 2” of my birthday week for me. Normally, I would be the boss of all of this. Both of these ladies can, at times, be extremely indecisive, and truthfully, I usually feel fine about directing all of our outings. It ensures that I am happy with what we are doing, and it saves me from blaming someone else if it doesnt go as planned.

When they told me that they would plan everything, without my leadership, I admit I giggled a little. Its not that I doubted their abilities, its just that I could picture their conversations, and wondered who finally answered the question “I dont know….what do you think”?

In reality, I am fairly easy to entertain, and would be happy with most anything they picked, as long as they just agreed to play with me….

They took me to my favorite “hole in the wall” breakfast place. This is a place where they may or may not let you take in coffee cups, filled with mimosas, that you may or may not have made in your car, and may or may not have claimed that you only brought in because you were “just juicing”. The waitstaff is friendly…….especially Chad, who gropes every waitress and female customer in the facility, while talking about his girlfriend and kids. The food is phenomenal and reasonably priced, and capable of putting about 5 pounds on you in one sitting. I love this place, and I was glad they chose it.

More than the place though, I enjoyed them. They have really come a long way, when it comes to becoming used to, and accepting, my attention getting ploys…especially since they themselves, do not desire such asinine attention. Naturally I was impressed when I noted that they had come stocked with a birthday sash, birthday hats, and fancy sunglasses……but when I realized that they intended play along with me, willing to humilate themselves, by wearing this get up alongside me, my heart swelled!! They knew me so well….

We wore that garb for the entirety of our breakfast setting. I am being 100% honest when I say we were the envy of EVERY old lady in the establishment. These ladies seemed to flock to our table, wishing me a happy birthday, and tellling us some sob story about how they wished their friends would throw a party for them like this. I should have felt sad for them… After all, it was probably difficult living through the Great Depression, without birthday hats, and without friends who werent trying to steal their flour, but I didnt. I offered the ladies a birthday hat as a parting gift, but I refused to scoot over, and I was keeping my friends to myself!!

The best gift though, besides the bottle of Hennessey (GOLD label), that my rich friend gave me, was when the waitress, who also mirrored as the manager of the place, asked if she could take a photo of us for the cover of their facebook page!!! Absolutely we would, and we ended up doing it…free of charge. As soon as she took that photo, that also included the waiter Chad, who took this opportunity to grope my friend, while pretending to pose, we quickly got onto our own phones to join the other 68 people who liked their page, so we could see our picture, when they decided to showcase it.

As luck would have it, another ice storm threatened to shut us down completely, and did cut our day short, but not before having some adventure, and my “free birthday shot” next door. While the bartender claimed it to be the best shot known to man, I thought it tasted more like the insides of a cows rectum, but glorified with the half a pound of sugar that was added to it!! Still, as she watched me expectantly, awaiting my astounding reaction, I finished it off, out of courtesy, and with a small pool of vomit, that had formed in my esophagus, while doing so.

Though the day didnt go as planned, I think this was probably the Best second day of my birthday week that I can remember. We laughed, we had no cares in the world (minus the huge ice storm heading our way), we played, we took our first bathroom selfie, we became potential celebrities, and to put it simply….we just had fun. Sometimes the best plan is Not to have one…..

Thank you ladies! 🙂

https://forgeonahead.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/41903-no-plan-b.jpg

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friendship, funny, humor, society

A Gift That Will Keep On Giving…..

This picture to the left is a picture of a very lucky friend of mine…..Luckier than most of us on our regular, run of the mill birthday celebrations. Why is she so special, you may ask?! Well, the picture speaks for itself, but she has just scored a luxurious 15 piece bathroom set from some of her good friends.

Some people believe I have the gift of finding THE perfect gift for others. Before you start thinking that I have alot of money….dont. It isnt often that I buy these sorts of extravagant gifts for my friends. These sorts of “lavish” things have always just happened to catch my eye. When I walked down the aisle at the KMART's, looking for a bathmat for my own bathroom, I just happened across this gem….This 15 piece bathroom set, AND in the color of midori, which I believed to be quite rare.

Initially, I thought I wouldnt be able to afford it, because I was certain that this quality could only be that of “Jacqueline Smith”…and also because of the obvious rare color and large number of pieces. It didnt matter that 12 of the 15 pieces were shower rings either…..I was CERTAIN that the quality and thread count of the two rugs were worth whatever price was on the tag….and probably more.

Lucky for me though, It wasnt Jaquiline Smith. Though I did have to fork out a little extra, it was a once in a lifetime gift, that I couldnt pass up….One that my friend definately deserved…..And just in case it isnt apparent in the picture, I assure you that it is a gift that she plans to enjoy for a long time coming. That bathset was just the beginning of her “surprise” birthday extravaganza.

This particular friend of mine is a very meek, quiet type of person, that can sometimes be hard to read. So when she first walked into the restaurant, and saw us sitting there, with dorky smiles on our face, screaming “HAPPY BIRTHDAY”, her reaction was much like the reaction she had upon seeing the 15 piece bathroom set. I couldnt tell if her facial expression was showing signs that this was a happy surprise, or one of sheer horror, but I thought it was a good sign that she still sat at our table.

The waitress despised us immediately. This could have been due to a variety of factors. One….that I asked her to, jokingly, serve a bottle of Boones farm wine (in which I brought and decorated myself) to the table, in replace of any drink ordered. Two…..because none of us would agree on what to order, even after we told her we were ready. Or three…she found herself to be in a higher tax bracket than the rest of us, after seeing the gift we had all just pitched in to buy for our friend.

Whatever her reasoning was, mattered little. All of her eye rolling and impatience only seemed to make us more obnoxious.

On one hand, we were all dressed adorably and each of our personalities were shining. We looked like the cover page of a glamour shots catalog, in my opinion. This led me to believe that a good handful of other patrons, were most likely staring at our table with envy….either wanting to join this classy group, or ask one of us on a date. On the other hand, we were taking up alot of the waitress' time, we stayed well past a normal “workday” lunch hour, and we may have been a smidge loud….in an establishment that one might consider middle to high class dining. Either way, due to the fact that we wouldnt dare ask our waitress to do one more low class thing, we began to belt out the tune to Happy Birthday, in an off key, non harmonized, slightly elevated manner. At this point, Im fairly certain that we lost every last one of our adoring fans, as they contemplated whether or not we had been drinking heavily, prior to the noontime hour.

As I looked over at my poor “birthday buddy's” bright red cheeks, I realized that she was starting to show signs that this may not be what she had in mind for a relaxing day, away from her children. I felt sorry for her for a moment, until I reminded myself how much worse that this could have been for her….

After all, she did get to dine on sushi, have a fancy cocktail, eat high dollar cupcakes, and spend a lovely day with her adoring friends. Also, and more importantly, I just so happened to forget my birthday sombrero…my life size happy birthday banner with her photo on it….oh, and my banjo!!

….lucky for her. 🙂

http://www1.pictures.zimbio.com/gi/Jaclyn%2BSmith%2BConde%2BNast%2BHonors%2B25th%2BAnniversary%2BYQvwWb60M_Yl.jpg

 

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family, funny, humor, society

“Will You Be Mine”? VS. “How Do You Stay Mine”?

There is something about Sweethearts day, otherwise known as Valentines day, that makes you want to be nice to your sweetheart…for at least a moment. It may be caused by a glance at your loved one….a glance that happens at the right moment, when the light is shining perfectly on them…..OR…It could be an act or gesture that is done for you…maybe even something they've done for you a million times. Either way, something about this season of love makes your heart swell, and your face smile with appreciation. Call it cupid, or call it a mood, but it happens to the best of us!

To start off this Valentines week, our deep freezer went out. Luckily, we were making a meal requiring us to go to the deep freeze, because Im certain I wouldnt have liked the image of what COULD have occured in another week or two. It was bad enough as it was.

Once or twice a year, my “farming” parents butcher a cow, and divy the meat out, to our immediate family. To make it clear, our freezer was stocked with meat, fresh corn, and with things that had been on the bottom for years, that we were never going to eat (smashed buns, freezer burned Buca burgers, and open containers of ice cream). Again, we were lucky that we caught it early enough, and were able to save almost all of the meat, and all of the corn. The stuff on the bottom though, was sitting in a pool of blood from the meat that had thawed. The smell was atrocious!

Everyone worked together, unloading meat into bins, so we could move it elsewhere. We were also lucky in the fact that its below zero outside, so we didnt have to worry about finding freezer space. However, nobody wanted to touch that blood. I kept my long winter coat on and used my winter gloves to protect my diva hands. As you may have figured, all it did was soak through my diva gloves.

As I pretended to be fillilng the bins and separating trash…….

I looked over at Renee…She was diligently working to sop up blood with towels. She was carrying all those heavy bags outside in the cold. She was taking the rotting meat to the trash. She was emptying and filling bins with corn. She wasnt complaining at all, even though she was covered in cows blood. In this instance, I looked over at my sweetheart with…….horror….

We were late to my daughters swim meet, and she didnt intend to shower, but simply rinse off! It was neither here nor there in that instant, because we were completely over it by this point. As we sat at that meet, in the sauna of the pool area, in sheer misery, I reminded Renee that our family smelled like “CARRIE” on prom night. No one was sitting by us!

After making our way home, pouring wine, and reflecting on the day, more hardship came about. My sweetheart told me that I was going to have to buy a new deep freezer the next day, AND that I would have to go measure it! I admit, I started whining. “Why do I have to measure it? This isnt my forte! This is the boy job…I shouldnt have to do the boy jobs”!

She asked what else I thought were boy jobs and I was completely honest. “Taking out the trash, mowing the grass, fixing things, measuring things….emptying the dishwasher”! She giggled as she added that I must also think its the boys job to do the laundry and clean the house too, because I certainly do not claim them to be the girl job either! The thing is, I dont care to have to do things, that have to do with measuring or buying appliances!

I never measured. Instead, I bought a new deep freezer by “eyeing it”. I paid extra to have it delivered, because I didnt want to have to move the old freezer out of the basement or the new freezer into the basement….Which is, for sure, what Renee would be having me do next!

Today, the appliance was delivered. The delivery guy called ahead of time to say he was on his way, that he was by himself, and could we just help him move the appliances. This is HILARIOUS, because this happens every time. Im not sure what the delivery fee is for…the truck ride over?

Anyway, sadly, Renee had a funeral to go to today. She was dressed beautifully in her dress slacks and high heels when the appliance came. She was a little frustrated when I told her that she was going to have to help him move the appliance, and more frustrated when I laughed. Again, I DID act as though I was lifting a large portion of the freezer, but I had my cute salmon colored tennis shoes on, and I didnt want them ruined. At one point, I forgot to help all together, and found myself just watching the whole fiasco…

The poor old man was using the best body mechanics he had, to pull that dolly and the freezer up a staircase, that was barely wide enough for it to fit through. Once, he got his heels stuck and was falling backward, telling Renee to “slow up”. Then, there was Renee….pushing with all of her might, and while wearing a pair of high heel boots, which only happens a few times a year. She looked over at me, when she heard me laughing, and it made me laugh more. Honestly, I dont know how she has been able to bear living with me for the last 10 years…..

This is the instant my friends…..the instant that I looked at her and my heart filled with love. I dont know if it is because its Valentines day week, or it was just the moment, but I sure do love my jean/tshirt wearing, high heel/dress pants wearing, boy chore doing, girl chore doing sweetheart!!

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