dancing, friendship, funny, humor, society, stories

The TRUE Beauty of Pain….

My brain was pulsating to the sound of the alarm clock, as I slowly moved my aching body, to locate the phone that I seemed to have hidden just hours before. It had been awhile since I had damaged my body in this fashion, and it seemed to me, that it hurt just a little worse than the last time…something I tell myself everytime.

Still, after pushing the snooze button once, and in between pushing it several more times thereafter, I was able to piece together all of the glamorous parts of my night, that led to this beautiful disaster.

….We we're dressed to the nines as we stepped out, into the inviting night. Black cocktail dresses, ruby red lips, feather boas, and of course…the mask.

The mask….so tribal looking, yet striking, and perfectly descriptive of the person below it. Walking proudly through the lobby of our downtown hotel, we could feel the eyes upon us. Some filled with questions, but MOST appeared filled with envy, AND mixed with a little desire.

As we gingerly slid our way into the back seat of our black uber car (which was only black by coincidence), I began to feel my status rise. I had never been to a masquerade ball before, and the glamour behind the idea of it, gave me back visions of childhood fantasies and dreams. After weeks on end of talking about it, the moment was finally here!!

We stepped inside the old train station to find tall ceilings, dimly lit rooms, a sea of people dressed in fancy dresses and suits, and the highly anticipated, eighties rap music, of “Two White Crew“, was pumping through the sound waves.

We checked our coats, took a few selfies, and then I began hobbling my way into the room with the biggest venue. My new nude pumps were cute as could be, but the toilet paper that I shoved in the tips of the toes, and then later at the back of my heels, was starting to rub against the seam of my panty hose, and was adding unnecessary pressure to my fully bent toes inside the shoe. With excitement still in tow, I fought through the pain, and tried to focus on using my thighs, more than my calves to walk.

We had seen several fun looking masks on the way in, but looking at the crowd as a whole, had us thinking that maybe it wasn't a masquerade ball afterall. In fact, there were so few masks, that I would certainly have recognized any person that approached me…. given that I knew who they were in the first place. Maybe the higher ups were taking bets on just how many idiots would fall for this mask wearing scheme……?!

….Well, all 17 of us wore our masks proudly. We had worked ourselves up too much, to let this deflate our dreams of attending a real live masquerade ball!! Those masks were worn, until sweat was dripping off our faces. We danced, we sang, and we drank merrily, until the midnight hour rang in! So far, this New Year was happy!!

We danced the night away among strangers, until the flesh had literally been worn off the tips of my toes. Lucky for me, my loving companion had been eyeing my fancy shoes since the moment I bought them. She happily agreed to trade me, claiming that she had always dreamed of owning this same pair. However, not even an hour had passed, when her own knees started buckling with each step, due to the pain these gems were causing. I had to remind her often that beauty was painful, because there was no way in hell I was putting those shoes back on!!!

Midnight came and went, and our middle aged bodies still found themselves in a mass of other middle aged people dancing to “Pump up the Jam”…. only now it was a slow song. Non lasting friendships began to form around us. People were starting to spill champagne on one another a little more often, and less and less people cared about getting champagne on their fancy dresses. The dancing was becoming a little more personal, and masks and shoes had started to come off. All of these were perfect signs that IT WAS TIME TO GO!!

“Get out! Get out now”! was chanted by security in unison. Though people were moving out the door in a slow fashion, no one was really fighting them. Still, they lunged at us, like they were about to bust out the tazers, tear gas, and police batons, if we didn't move our ailing bodies a little faster. Not wanting to risk getting our dresses bloodied up, with our own scalp blood, we opted to leave.

With smeared makeup, flattened hair, and barefoot, our uber car had dropped us safely at the entrance of the hotel. The event had come and gone, much quicker than the anticipation for the Gala itself.

I turned the alarm off one last time, and stood up. I held tight to my forehead, as I packed the rest of my things. Though I wished I would have had one less glass of champagne, I chalked it up to being worth it. I added another adventure to this short life, I had more fun than I could have ever envisioned, and I spent it with the very person who made it that much more fun!!

Happy New Year to you all!!

Advertisements
Standard
dancing, funny, humor, kids, society

The EVE of the EVE of New Years

As the last of the dry pine needles fall off of our half dead trees, Christmas becomes yet another memory of years past. All of the anxiety, joy, stress, and love that is combined, to make the perfect potion for Christmas spirit, is packaged up and saved for yet another year. However, just as we try to allow for our neck muscles to relax, after we've accepted the fact that we've crushed our childrens dreams forever, because they didn't get their desired prize, even after acting less than perfect this year……just as we vow to cut down our calories (minus wine), and eat nutritiously until next Christmas…just as we promise ourselves that we will take down the Christmas lights next week, that we know will not only stay, but will be the decorations for every other holiday for the coming year….

…..Its time to plan for New Years!!

Actually, I never remember being much of a die hard eve of the year celebrator.

I do recall worrying about not having plans on New Years like the rest of the cool kids, but was usually content playing euchre, and cheersing in the New Year, with old acquaintances that weren't forgot. I never had to drive anywhere, no one really cared if I blacked out, and people actually cheered, if I happened to lose a game of the popular poker game they were playing back in those days.

I've danced the night away with high falutin friends in classy places… I've swayed in unison with large groups, dancing the electric slide and the Macarena until dawn, and chasing tequila shots with bottles exposing purple mountains, alongside friends that have less standards. I've celebrated in different homes, different cities, and different states…sometimes with distant friends, and sometimes with family.

Although I've had a multitude of New Years adventures in all my years, ones that other people could probably recollect better than myself, the last six plus years have been spent celebrating with my children.

When they were younger, I could get away with setting the clock 4 hours ahead of time… lying gracefully, and tucking my tired babies in bed at eight, only to plead for the midnight hour to come quickly, so I could rest my own weary eyes. When they got old enough to know the difference, those nights were filled with Cards, board games, twister, and entire games of monopoly. The horns that were doled out, blew into our ears, entirely past the level of comfort, and usually ended in someone's arms being nearly pulled out of socket. Then the next day consisted of misery, as I nursed a slight headache and listened to tired children bicker over nothing except, in my opinion….lost sleep. Those were, and still are, the good ole days…ones I will remember for years to come.

Truthfully, I've celebrated the holiday every year, staying up until at least 12:05… Well, every year but one… BUT who wasn't terrified of being struck dead at the turn of midnight…2000? We were supposed to be celebrating like it was 1999, but I made myself go to bed early, so that when Y2K stole my soul, I maybe wouldn't know it happened…..

Well….Not this year!!!! This year, I've got myself giddy with the anticipation of this New Years eve to come!! I officially bought tickets my first Masquerade ball. After purchasing my new fancy dress, mask and accessories, I've become useless to anyone….unless they want to talk about the ball, my dress, my date, or my shoes and hose. Its truly going to be a gala to remember!

The only downfall?….I have worked myself into such an excitement tizzy that I have grown two acne horns above my right eye!!! What will I do???…

Oh I remember….WEAR A MASK!!;)

 

 

http://blinkofaneyephotographync.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/first-Christmas-tree-001.jpg

 

Standard
concerts, family, funny, healing, health, humor, kids, mom humor, parenting, society

SPREADING Christmas Cheer!?…

Having four children sometimes has me running in all different directions, even before I start to run myself in tiny circles.

Christmas time only adds more mandatory events, more end of the season studies, more parties with volunteer opportunities, and of course, more Christmas colds SPIRIT!!

After countless end of the year projects, orchestra concerts, band concert preparation, swim tryouts, and worries of teacher gifts/donations for fall parties….. We finally made our way to the final performance of the season….the Christmas choir performance.

I dropped two to swim practice, and one to the choir door, before my youngest daughter and I made our way into the GIANT line to the auditorium, despite her insistence that it was too early to sit down.

I have always been fascinated by those parents that show up an hour early, just to stand at the front of the closed glass doors, waiting for them to open……FOR AN HOUR… JUST to get front row seats, to a show that they CLEARLY didn't need to stand in line for…

My daughter was exceptionally clingy this night, but I chalked it up to her tiredness, and general malaise/cold symptoms she had exhibited recently. Holding tightly to her, we slowly made our way into the auditorium. As I looked around, I saw countless people that I didn't necessarily know, but yet recognized clearly…

…..The mom that always waits the hour to get front row seats to see her child prodigy….The dad that picks the seat on the aisle, and is already setting up his tripod stand, to video the whole performance…and, of course, the mom that has saved an entire row of seats, with her jacket, purse, slip, tampon wrapper, and the sock from her own left foot…..just so she can look like a celebrity to her kinship, when her family reunion lets out!

Because it was about 8 rows back, but mostly because I thought it looked like it might be entertaining, I nestled us in right behind the reserved row. I found myself staring at this lady amusingly, every time she explained to a parent that she was saving the entire row… The woman had flushed cheeks, and made perfect eye contact with the floor, with each new response….

I envied her bravery, and knew I would never be as strong as this woman….

However, as she was holding strong, I was dealing with issues of my own.

My daughter began coughing constantly. I gently reminded her to cough into her sleeve or coat, as people started to stare at us, annoyed that we were in such close proximity.

My daughter was pleading for me to let her watch videos on my phone. I was reminding her of how many germs were on her hands, as I watched the room fill to capacity, leaving mostly standing room only.

My daughter was showing me how clean her hands were, still begging me to play on my phone. I ignored her and watched as the woman in front of me turned another group of two away, from her row of ten saved.

My daughter was coughing on the leaning lady beside us, as I began to hear the Christmas commotion erupting in front of us. I ignored the coughing as I was preparing to witness the kind of Christmas cheer that has become more and more prevalent!!!

“Ma'am! You cannot save a whole row of seats”!!

The man loudly berated my brave neighbor, while stealing the seats she had worked so hard to obtain! She gruffly asked for her jacket back, and moved her sock down a seat, deciding not to fight back. She sat down, looking embarrased and defeated, but she still had six more seats… Who would she give them to?

I found myself wondering just where was the Christmas spirit…the love…the joy we should all be sharing this season?!

I almost had forgotten about my sick child….

As I reached to feel her newly hot forehead, the show had started. The guests of the lady in front of me had still not shown, but no one threatened her further. My daughter was coughing harder, becoming more clingy, and was desperately trying to make a nest in her seat…my seat….and the seat of the lady next to us.

I attempted to take a picture of my son on stage, by stretching one arm around my daughters limp neck, and while patting her with the other, but it was to no avail! Even though I was pleased to be able to maintain my balance and dexterity, he was hidden behind the two girls on either side of him! Still, the music was angelic, and I got lost in the moment…until…

…My daughter was hacking again! This time she was proudly showing me the blood clot she retrieved from her nose when she last wiped it…Grimacing, and not making eye contact with the lady next to me, I gestured for her to wipe it on her coat. Then, I motioned for her to lay her head on my lap. Wadding her coat for a pillow, she carefully pushed the blood clot to the center portion of her coat, and made sure I noted that she was not placing it directly on my lap…. She was a true cherub!!!

Her small gesture made me begin to feel that Christmas spirit again. Three songs later, my son was done singing. Only 14 more songs of watching other people kids were yet to come. Only 14 more songs to hear my daughter's partially covered cough, and only 14 more songs to get leering looks from the people around me….

Just when I thought I could take not another leer, The Lord Jesus showed his face in the form of a human Christmas spirit!! The germ infested lady next to us finally leaned towards us for the first time, with a slight GRIN and a hand full of mint condition goodies and said…..

“Can I PLEASE give your daughter a cough drop”!

……Tis the season….:)

 

The other reason to go so early

http://a.dilcdn.com/bl/wp-content/uploads/sites/8/2012/02/careful-when-you-cough.jpg

 

Standard
family, friendship, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, nurses, parenting, society, stories

A Mothers Perspective…

I was silently munching on toast that was cooked for too long, and that had cooled too much, for the butter to melt. I was driving to work and still rehashing the scenes from my Mothers Day morning so far….

I pushed the snooze button too many times as usual, and was hurried to get out the door. I tried to let the dogs out, but it was raining, and the thunder was booming outside. The dogs are scared of storms and have actual prescribed medication for this disease process. You may realize at this point, that I have no tolerance for this. Needless to say, they refused to go outside the door. Since I didnt have time to pull them outdoors, knowing that the claws of all four of their extremities would be holding onto the doorframe…risking me losing my grip on them, and falling onto the wet concrete….I went on my way.

As a consequence to my lazy actions, just prior to leaving my house, I stepped in dog urine that would soak through the only pair of good black socks I had clean. I took a deep breath, while fetching out the only pair of black socks left in my drawer….church socks with a very low thread count!!

Though I was feeling a little irritated upon my departure, I was determined not to let it ruin my day. As I ate my toast, I found myself listening to the easy listening station. I hummed along with a good Billy Joel song, before a commercial came on. The station was wishing all mothers a happy Mothers Day, and was surprising all of us, by playing a full 24 hours of “Ladies of the 80's”….

I found myself cynically laughing. Do we as mothers feel as though they just dont play enough of this music throughout the year, and then thank Jesus that we have this one special day, when we can listen to all of the Cindi Lauper, Barara Streisand, and Donna Summer songs that we have longed to hear all year long? I think I speak for all of us when I say…..YES! WE DO!!

Unfortunately, I worked12 hours today, and didnt enjoy one of these songs, which could have made my attitude worse…but I stayed strong. This was my third 12 hour shift in a row, and I am a pathetic baby when it comes to my exhaustion in response to this. However, I was lucky enough to work with the same ladies on all three of those days, which gave us plenty of time to plan our Mothers Day Gala.

We had Starbucks, chocolates and candy from parents, donated cookies from the doctors, and then OF COURSE, we ordered out! We ate questionable sushi that was in take out form, and somehow managed to keep all $96 down, for the duration of the day.

It was a well needed, quiet, and relaxing day at work, in which we shared not only with our peers, that were mothers, but also with the mothers of the babies on our unit. Sometimes Mother's Day is put into perspective when you get to spend it with mothers with ailing children. It reminded me that everybody has a different story when it comes to Mother's Day…stories that many of us take for granted.

Last night, I found my ownself weepy eyed on the eve of Mothers Day. Last year, on this very day, I wrote a tribute to both of my mothers and the phenomenal roles they play in my life. That same year, I lost one of them to the very cancer she was surviving at the time. This Mother's Day was a little different for me.

Still today, I feel so lucky. I have so many great memories with my Mama P, and feel lucky to have known her for the amount of time I did….She will never leave my heart. I felt lucky to still have my own mother, who is the funniest, most carefree, loving, and accepting mother in the world. I felt lucky that I had 4 healthy children at home that call me mom, and I felt lucky to have a chance to have a different perspective into the lives of mothers who dont have that same luxury.

After learning that I had to work on Mother's Day, a handful of people said “Oh, that sucks! So you didnt even get to enjoy your Mother's Day”!?….BUT they were wrong…I did!

Today, I celebrated the day with many mothers….and with people that had mothers of their own. I got to help make silly baby “footprint butterflies”, that were to the MOMS, and from their babies in the NICU. Today I saw mothers smile over the simplest things. Today, my own children surprised me at work by bringing me chocolates and home made gifts to brighten my day. They are still little enough that they hid the presents in their hands, behind their backs….and I was smiling over the most simple things. Today, I got the opportunity to call my mom and tell her how much I love her….and I know she smiled over my smallest sentiment.

Everybodys story is different…. Some moms are great, some are sick, and some leave a bad taste in the mouth of their child. Some moms have lost their only child, some moms never got to be, and some of our mothers are no longer with us. Regardless, mothers somehow hold tight to our hearts and minds.

Today, my tired, dog urine soaked sock wearing body, is happy… Not only because I got the chance to be a good mother, but also because I feel so fortunate to have had two Mothers that have loved me, and that I have loved in return.

Happy Mothers Day!!

http://theishumquads.files.wordpress.com/2011/02/elijah-and-mommy_00761.jpg

 

 

Standard
exorcise, health, humor, racing, running

Treat Her Right..and She Will Treat You Better

I hit the snooze button for the second time, and I immediately hated myself for doing so. Still, I dozed in and out for 10 more minutes, knowing it was going to make me run late, just like every other day of my life.

I have known for about 6 months now, that I was signed up to run this 15K, on this day. For some reason though, knowing this, apparently wasn't enough to motivate me to start training properly for the event. Since I had already paid my dollars for this race, and since I knew I would be running a half marathon in only one more month, I decided to see where my body was in this process. Believe me when I say, I knew I would struggle….

When I finally got myself out of the bed, I was faced with every obstacle possible….and I was running late.

I had set my outfit out the night before, but forgot to put my sports bra in the stack. I have a number of these bras in my posession, but I only like to wear one or two of them. I was searching frantically, making it necessary for me to turn on the bright light above Renees head, to wake her up to help me find it in order to dig through my dresser to find them. I ran down to look in the dryer, only to find that the dog had pooped everywhere on the floor, even smearing it into the rug. I leaped over it, dodging it to the best of my ability, but was dissapointed to find NO bra..I never found them, and had to settle for my raggedy ones.

Next, I needed to focus on food. Normally before a race, I would eat peanut butter toast and a banana. However, all of the bananas were rotten, and we had no bread. I did manage to find some partially stale bagels, so I threw them in, but then panicked when I couldnt find the peanut butter.

While they were toasting, I was scurrying to gather my supplies. I had managed to get Renee up at this point, due to my outward groaning and complaining. I needed gum, my music, Chapstick, the armband to hold my music, money to park, and coffee…OH how I needed coffee!….

Renee, being the kind, generous soul that she is, helped me get out the door, but I was beginning to think she was only doing it for her own benefit.

Luckily I had found peanut butter in the back of the cabinet, and began to shove the bagel down my throat, as I sped to get on the highway. I had thirty minutes before the race started, and knew I probably should stretch. I was starting to calm myself down, telling myself that I had plenty of time, until I realilzed that I had not brought any earbuds for my music!! I tried not to panic, telling myself that I could just run 9 miles without the headset…but quickly told myself that I was an idiot!

I wasnt prepared for this race, and I knew I would not be able to bear listening to myself suffocate for the last 6 miles of this race! I made a quick stop at the gas station, praying that they would have a cheap set….They didnt! I was almost in tears as I reached my car. I said one last prayer, hoping that one of my children had left some in the back seat. I dug in, and in the middle of the crack, between the seats, I saw one ear bud sticking out. YEAH!!! Thank you GOD!

I got to the race eight minutes before start time. I reminded myself how dumb I was for doing this, even as I was pinning my number to my shirt. I got to stretch my legs for about 2 minutes, before we were off! This time, I had promised myself that I would not push myself too hard. I would simply enjoy listening to the music, while enjoying the run. I was NOT going to focus on my time…my only goal was to finish.

I struggled through my first few miles, until I talked myself into slowing down. By mile 5 I had settled into a comfortable pace, and let the music overtake my mind. Unfortunately, that is when the blister began forming on the arch of my right foot. Still, I kept running.

At mile 7, my legs were telling me they were taking a good hit, but I was feeling surprisingly better than I thought I would. I forged on, and only ended up walking through one water station, at mile 8. I was pleased to finally see the end, and the only thing keeping me from shedding a tear, were my children…rooting me on at the finish! I waved, smiled, and whispered “Im almost finished”!

I finished in less time than I thought, still able to keep my average time under 10 minute miles. It certainly wasnt my fastest race…but I had finished. I was proud of myself for conquering all my obstacles.

I limped my way to the car, hobbled my way into my house, and sat down to delicately pull my sock off of my fresh new blister. I was hurting bad. It took me many minutes to reach the top of my stairs, due to all of my leg muscles pulling me the opposite way. After showering, I leaned down to pick up laundry off of the floor and my heart began to race into my throat, and wouldnt come down. I was now laying flat on the floor of the hallway…calling my son for help!

As I laid there for the next 5 minutes, waiting for my heart rate to resume at a normal pace, I was thinking about how pathetic I looked in that moment. Im not in my youth anymore, and I need to treat my body nicer.

I apologized to my body and promised I would try to be nicer.

“As soon as I am able to walk again, I will definately train you better”!

NO FN LN DIVISION OVERALL DIVPL SEXPL GUNTIME TIME PACE
printradius 3525 TIA F3539 389 31/90 141/536 1:32:07 1:31:16 9:48

 

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha


 

Standard
concerts, funny, humor, humour, music, society

Obsessive Hobby Disorder

Do you ever become so focused on one thing, that you are willing to let everything fall behind, just so you can tend to it? Do you hurry to finish your mundane tasks, so you can promptly return to the more desired, important task? Do you become so consumed that it borders on the line of obsession?….

Sadly, this happens to me every time I find a new fascination….

Several years back, this happened when I got my first guitar….and then again when I got my second electric guitar, with the amplifier, that I insisted on purchasing, that also had a short in it. I played with that thing constantly, forgetting the world around me, until my fingers bled, causing me to have to take a break. I'd fight through the long pauses of the electrical short, just holding the note longer, to prove that I made a reasonabe purchase. I threw tantrums when I couldnt figure it out, would blame others for messing me up, and would constantly say “Can you tell what song Im playing…can you”?

Of course, at the time, no one would be able to guess the song, but everyone would feign knowing it by saying “It sounds familiar, but I cant place it”, because they couldnt endure my derogatory response if they couldnt guess. The problem is, I can never just ease into something…I have to know AND buy EVERYTHING!

Almost a year ago, I became overly obsessed with this blog. I had no idea what a blog was, but after a friend suggested I try to write to a broader viewing area, I became intrigued. I began to research for weeks, before starting that first page. I didnt know how to do any of that “advanced technology” sort of thing, so I needed to learn. Sometimes, I would fill whole days trying to learn to do one task, by watching self help videos, and videos of geniuses taking me through it step by step. I often felt that I was being interrupted, by having to pick the kids up from school or make them dinner…..Or heaven forbid they ask me a question! When I couldn't figure something out, or messed something up, I would yell out in angst, and through gritted teeth saying “THIS MAKES ME SO MAD”!

EVENTUALLY, when I figure out the basics, enough to appease myself, I will calm down and reintegrate myself into the world again, balancing my hobbies like a normal person. However, this just sets me up for new obsessions, when something catches my eye.

Recently….this happened again. I found myself highly intrigued by a fancy banjo I came across, and I havent stopped thinking of it since. I became determined to play this thing, even if it took my whole life (and Im hopeful that it wont take this long, to save myself a divorce and loss of custody). 🙂

Heres where it starts…..

Once the banjo was in my hand, I started piddling with it immediately. I hushed the kids so I could hear the country crooner describe, via video, how to tune it, how to play a note, then a chord, and then a song. I read and researched how to set the insrument up, what to look for, and payed attention to the important things, that I may need to note on the device. The first whole day, I played the thing completely out of tune, until I could figure out how to do it on my own.

I do pity the poor people that have to surround themselves with me during these times, because I become way more obnoxious than my regular baseline level. What happens next is, I eventually think I have absorbed everything I think I need to know, then I move on to the professionals. It becomes time for me to seek help in my advancement. This week, I took the banjo to the music store, prepared to buy up the store if necessary. I NEVER enter a place like this, without being prepared with a bit of knowledge, which is perhaps, one of the most annoying qualities about myself. Even knowing this, I cant seem to stop my educated mind, and my overexcited mouth from running…eventually scaring and/or annoying the help!

I made my way into that store like a cougar ready to pounce. I talked about fret boards, new strings, tuners, pics, and music. I asked questions that I already knew the answers to, for no other reason but to correct them if they were mistaken. I offered up my past credentials in the music business, and annoyed astounded them with my knowledge. I could NOT stop talking!!!

I bought finger pics, 2 books, new strings, and left the banjo there to be maintained. As I left that store, I was both excited, and feeling a bit of separation anxiety, since I hadnt yet mastereed my trade! I only had to go without it for one day, but I had to interrupt our “date night”, to go pick up my precious piece.

Already, I have learned two songs, that apparently only I can hear?! Maybe because I have the ear of a banjoist, and maybe because theyre not musically inclined, like myself. However, the biggest problem in the last week, has been to balance my life, with my running, banjo playing, guitar playing, and my writing. Im having to cut out such things as naps and lunch, but Im slowly getting there.

Please be patient as I adjust to my new lifestyle change/obsession, and I thank you in advance!! 🙂

http://www.learn-to-play-rock-guitar.com/images/rocker-girl.jpg

https://forgeonahead.files.wordpress.com/2014/02/d1582-6a00d83451d81c69e20168e909b8b9970c-500wi.jpg

 

Standard
concerts, fame, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, society

Its Not ALWAYS Better Out Than In!

Occasionally, I feel like a bit of bad Karma comes my direction, and it immediately makes me recall the wrongdoing Ive done. Recently, I have suffered from a bit of a stomach bug. For the most part, I just laid around the house. I watched movies, tried to nap, read some blogs, and caught up on some of the news that I have missed lately.

As I was reading some of the top stories trending, I happened to come across this story about an Opera singer who was fired from her job, due to her uncontrollable flatulence and sometimes incontinence of stool. She was a pretty, middle aged woman, who looked to be a fairly classy lady…until now. Apparently, she had a botched episiotomy, during the birth of one of her children, and the musculature that generally holds things in the rectum, no longer does. She was suing the hospital for tens of millions of dollars.

My first reaction was to crack up laughing!!!! All I could picture was her belting out tunes, while air escaped her deriere, filling the arena with other aromas, differing from the usual popcorn and wine smells that people were so used to. I watched as many “male” newscasters told hilarious jokes about this poor lady and her excessive farting, and I admit I laughed along…. because lets face it, farts are funny! I wondered why she made this so public, by suing for millions.

Really, it wasnt THAT funny!….Especially if it had happend to me! This is a procedure that many women have done, when they have their babies, and I wondered how many other women have this issue, but do not choose to share it with the world. The truth is, I knew I shouldnt be laughing, but still found myself telling this story to coworkers, and to my kids when they got home from school…..Then we all laughed at this poor womans obvious imperfections. Trust me when I say Jesus was whispering in my ear to tell me to stop acting like this….I knew better, but I didnt choose to stop.

Later that evening, I was still feeling crappy and just wanted to rest. However, motherhood doesnt often allow for this, and I had to round my children up to attend my daughters swim meet. Although my stomach was feeling very sour, I was still starving! Against my better judgement, because I was listening to my belly instead of my brain, I ate right along side my children.

For some reason, I never seem to follow the general rules of tending to my belly, during its aliling. Why cant I just eat saltine crackers and drink 7up or gingerale? I dont know, but I never seem to learn. Instead, I fixed myself a big old plate of cornbeef and cabbage, and then for dessert, I had an entire broccoli crown!!

I am an idiot!

I made my way to the swim meet, barely able to hold my body upright. I tried to put on a sprig of makeup, just to spruce myself up a little, but I couldnt bear to change out of my jeans and sweatshirt. I looked dehydrated and haggard. We got there on time, and got ourselves nestled in our seats, but because the LORD needed to teach me a lesson, the other team wasnt there yet, and wouldnt be for another hour. This delay prolonged that meet into a total of 3 hours.

It wasnt long after we got there that the cabbage or broccoli started working its magic. Stomach cramping was starting up high, and shooting pain through my whole midsection. I just stayed bent over, and hoped it would go away soon…..but it never did. Instead, it worked its way all the way down to my colon, making me extremely uncomfortable. I cant imagine what my facial expresions resembled. I kept pretending I was smiling, but really it was just the reaction of me tensing up, trying to keep the noises inside my body and not allowing them to escape.

This worked for awhile, but it wasnt long before I had no control anymore. I couldnt leave the meet. I guess I could have sat in the bathroom, but I would never have made my way back out. I could have stood in the hallway, but it would only be obvious who was doing it. I was still holding on to hope that the people around us thought it was one of my disgusting children. AND….hind sights 20/20….I wish I would have made more effort to sell that idea!!

I could have fake sniffed, tryed to find a fake culprit, or looked at my own children in disgust. Instead, I just sat there in the fetal position, willing these swimmers to go faster. I wished for a moment that I had dressed better. If only I had made myself look like an opera singer, instead of a football player….maybe I wouldnt have gotten as many looks. The only saving grace was the long, black, fluffy down coat I was wearing. Even if it was hotter than hell in there, I tried to keep it snugged tightly around me. I hoped and hoped that all of the expelled air would stay beneath my overcoat, until I got home to set my coat free….or on fire.

As I sat in discomfort throughout that whole meet, I thought alot about the poor opera singer. I probably only cleared out a few people around me, but she would be capable of clearing an entire section of Carnegie Hall…. I shouldnt have laughed at her…. I had learned a lesson.

Now, for those of you who may have been sitting near me during that swimming event, I hope youve learned my same lesson…..before you started laughing at me!!……

You're Welcome!:)

http://www.rock979.ca/files/learning-to-fart-book-230×353.jpg

http://25.media.tumblr.com/d4b2919bd1226bd03fb8ec38fc06c26b/tumblr_n033apryl31qlatf4o1_1280.jpg

Standard