concerts, fame, friendship, funny, humor, society

THE ACT OF SELF ENTERTAINMENT….

I am what some people would call high maintenance. Not so much in the diva manner, but more in the form of needing alot of attention and reassurance. Maybe needy is a better word.

Anyway, this winter has been harsh. We have had so many snow days, and days where temperatures are less than zero. Generally speaking, this means no one wants to leave their warm homes or beds….including myself. However, this leads to boredom and something people call “cabin fever”, though I doubt that many people have stayed in a cabin, to even know what that is! I just want it to be warm again…I want to play outside….I want to do ANYTHING except for clean this house ONE MORE DAY!

I rely heavily on people to entertain me. Renee and my children fill much of my afternoon time with amusing stories or events, and my friends try to play when they can, and accommodate my needs to the best of their abilities. But sometimes….they need a break! My personality is enough to wear a person down. While I can understand their needs of solitude, and their needs to actually do chores of their own, it often times leaves me bored….sometimes leading to a false sense of loneliness! Besides, I always have plenty of things to do, but I sometimes just don't want to do them.

On these days, I have to encourage myself to make the right choice. I can easily talk myself into napping all day, telling myself that I don't get to rest very often, but then I always feel unproductive and guilty for doing so. Or, the other option is to try and talk myself into feeling energetic……this is easier said than done!

Either way, the truth is, I have no problem entertaining myself. I sometimes can talk myself into going on a run, or playing on my guitar. Sometimes I work on something crafty, or shop, or read….and of course, I write! I simply would RATHER have someone else around to laugh with me. It seems like much less work.

Recently, I have been busting my guitar out a little more frequently. Whenever I do this, I start to feel like there could still be a chance for me to end up on VH1, even at my advanced age. Another thing I always want to do when playing for a few days, is get a band together. Since I don't think I'm good enough to put fliers up in coffee shops, I again pester my friends to join. They tell me that they can't sing and that they cant play an instrument, but I think that's just a cop out! Afterall, I'm only considering a garage band of sorts….could they really be that bad?!

The only problem with starting the band though, minus a few minor things that you can probably figure out on your own, is my song selections. I always want to play love ballads on my guitar…Like Anne Murray, Kenny Rogers, and Taylor swift. Naturally, I want to play that music, because that's what I like to listen to. Who would honestly want to go to see a cover band that played that?

Over the past month or so, I have been listening to alot of Celine Dion. Although I get made fun of alot, I cant help but push play on disc 6 of my CD player, while in the car. Before now, I hadn't really admitted that to anyone, except for one friend, who I will call Tina, because that's her name. She giggles at me, says she is going to hold it over my head, and says that I'm a dork….I can't help that! Last night, I told her I had learned several new Dixie Chicks songs on my guitar. Mocking me, she suggested that I try doing a Celine Dion piece on my acoustic guitar. After reminding her that Celine doesn't have alot of acoustic guitar in her music, she said “Thats what's great about it Tia. Make it your own…..AND record it”! So, I said I'd try.

This morning, I found myself bored again. After trying to curl my hair in the front (which was another suggestion made by my same encouraging friend), I decided to give this music video a go! It took a minute/several hours to set up, but I think it turned out really great! The fan blowing my hair back, and the dog laying calmly in the background, only added to the realism….in this thing we call life!

I'm just glad that I have friends that give me tasks to do, to keep the focus off of them for a moment! Thanks Tina, for always encouraging me to follow my dreams, and for giving me the opportunity to have a bored free day! 😉

…….Now, before you watch this, picture me at the bow of the ship….all alone…wind blowing through my hair….with nothing on my mind except for Jack Dawson….the love of my life…..and enjoy my first solo! 😉

🙂

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friendship, funny, humor, society

Variety is the Spice of Life

My whole life, I have always maintained a vast variety of friend groups. I have always been a good reader of people, and feel that I am very good at changing my appearance or behavior, depending on who I am surrounding myself with.

While growing up, my friends were separated into my “sports” friends, my party friends, my church friends, and then of course, my best friends, who often overlapped in different groups. I would morph myself into whatever character I needed to play at that desired moment, or with that particular friend.

As an adult, I havent changed much. I still have my running friends, my party friends, my high falutin friends, and my “good girl” friends, only now the friend pool is smaller, and there is alot more overlapping of groups. I love all of my friends….each of their characters both amuse and appease me in a different way.

Sometimes however, there are times that I wonder how I even became friends with some of them, and I wonder how we even maintain a friendship over time. The differences between us is overwhelming!

Over the weekend, I played with four different sets of friends….which is almost unheard of with four children. However, for the sake of time and space, I will only talk about the two groups with the hugest amount of difference.

I started with one good buddy at a “hole in the wall” bar and grill, in a small town in Indiana. This is really right up my alley! We dined on fried pickles and chicken strips, while watching the already drunk patrons arrive. 80's and 90's rap music blared in the background, as women played beer pong and men stood around at the automated punching bag, seeing who could hit it the hardest! Girls were sneaking cigarettes in the bathroom, and human sandwiches were being made on the dance floor. Old men were buying us shots of glorified Kool-aid, and we were really the belles of the ball….even in our sweat suits!

Dont get me wrong, I feel that I am much classier than this, as evidenced by my ordering of Hennessy with a coke back. As they wiped the dust off of the 70 year old bottle that no one had ever ordered, they stared at me questionably, and handed it to me in a shot glass. Here, only beer and shots of whiskey are ordered.

Truthfully, I just feel more normal surrounded by this type of people. I know that if I play my cards right, I will be excepted fully by them…..I could easily play this role…..and so could my highly amusing accompanying friend. Even though she refused my crisp $5 bill, to simply throw one punch at that punching bag, she was more than willing to do the Duggy and really excited to do the Electric slide! She's my hero on most days. 🙂

Two days later, I found myself at a fancy breakfast, with my high falutin friends. I have been friends with these ladies, for far longer than my Electric Slide dancing buddy, and I enjoy them for completely different reasons. Im not sure if they were this snobby when I met them, or if they have worsened with age, but their diva attitudes are AWESOME, and VERY different than my own.

However, I can play this role too. I had to get up much earlier to glam up. I had my fanciest tank top on, with a classy sweater, and as much Sildapia jewlery that I could fit on (which I bought from them). I had my high heel boots on and my red lipstick…….all to eat a glorified egg sandwich. I was excited to meet them!

Here, they serve water in fancy bottles, coffee is from areas around the world, and the napkins are linen. I fell right into place with my other diva friends, and it wasnt long before we had caught ourselves up. When it came time to order, my classy little friend asked for cinnamon toast….and she said she would appreciate not being served heels!!! Here's the times when I giggle and stare in amusement. I have never even seen an establishment serve heels….ever! However, maybe because she was being ridiculous with her request…They served her heels! She was appalled, as I reminded her that she would probably eat a heel, if she was starving and had no food. She responded by saying….”Not if it was rye”!

As we waited for our food, I listened as my other classy friend told me she was out of vacation hours because her dog had torn its ACL, and it cost $5,000 to get the leg fixed. Then, she had to call in sick to sit in the dog cage with the poor thing, and perform range of motion exercises for days on end. When I laughed at her, she told me I would do the same thing.

I assured her that she was mistaken….. I wont even buy an expensive bag of dog food. Plus, I wouldnt even waste all of my vacation days to do range of motion on my own children! These are the same friends that spend more on a tank top than their monthly heat bills, and fly to New York to get their hair done! They change their bedding to go with the seasons, and their dogs are dressed to the nines…..Yet, I adore them all!

Although I cant live like this for long, I enjoy feeling fashionable and hoity toity for a moment. And….As silly as I find their lifestyles at times, you can only imagine how ridiculous they think I am. Perhaps opposites do attract in this friendship!

Really, in both of these situations, I AM me. Im just a fancier…or “not so fancier” me. At the end of the weekend, I wondered where the true me would go…what kind of venue would make me happiest….

……As you may have guessed….A winery! I could dress cute and womanly, but not be weighed down with lia sophia jewlery. I could have purple teeth and no one would care. I could laugh, chat, and be carefree…..

And this, my friends, is something we could all enjoy!

 

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concerts, dancing, family, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, music, parenting

It WAS A Good Time!

This is the dance video that goes along with my latest post “It's not meant to be”. These children are very talented…. So, while I appreciate all your compliments in advance, all talent scouts must go through me! 🙂 I only just figured out how to possibly post a video, so bear with me if it doesn't work out on the first try!!

Happy New Year!

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death, family, healing, running

I’m Sorry…..

I'm sorry I don't write about you very often.

You always feared that when you were gone, I would stop writing about you. It's not that I don't have anything to say, but I can't live in that state of sadness. I would lose myself entirely……But you already know that.

I'm sorry I don't look at your picture every day.

People are still reading the sad pieces that I wrote about you, as you were preparing to leave this earth. Part of me wants to read them again, just to keep you near. The other part knows the reality. Every time I glance at a picture of you, my heart sinks and I have a moment of what I only know to call “fear”! It still doesn't seem as though you're gone, until the picture reminds me.

I'm sorry that I think of you more now, than I did when you were here.

Not a day goes by where you aren't in my thoughts. Somedays I think of you more than other days. The days when I'm left alone with my own thoughts, seem to be the days that I realize I'm broken. I haven't made it through one day by myself, without the flow of at least a handful of tears. I listen to music often, and sometimes it reminds me of you. Music is always so healing to me, and I often replay this song called “I'm in here” by Sia, because it reflects my own feelings somehow. I feel overcome by sadness frequently, and I wonder if anyone can hear me?! It makes me wonder if this is what you felt at the end of your days, and that makes me sad again.

I'm sorry I refuse to get in that car of yours.

It sits outside in my driveway everyday, pleading to be driven. Every time I leave my house or come home, that car is a constant reminder that you aren't driving it. It seems silly, but I've grown to hate that car! Its just a materialistic item, yet it carries so much more weight than that for me.

I'm sorry that I continue to run, without you beside me.

Of course that's what you would have wanted. Since you've been gone, I haven't ran one time without you in my brain. So, I guess you really are beside me. I can't manage an entire run, without welling up with tears, and swallowing them down in between breaths. I wonder how many more times I will have to run, before this feeling stops. I don't ever want to stop listening to the songs that remind me so much of you, but I admit that it hurts my heart each time I hear them. If you were here, you would laugh and say “Then stop listening to them silly”, but something about listening to them, makes me feel like I'm healing in some fashion. I listened to the song “Hurt“, by Christina Aguilera about 6 times today, throughout my run and thereafter, and I long to speak to you again.

I'm sorry I have responded to your leaving with resentment and angst.

You would have not wanted this. I admit I'm struggling to find myself right now. Though I didn't see you frequently, due to your distance away from me, something about your lack of presence is tearing me down. I'm resilient and I bounce back, but I don't like to accept help from others. This leaves me feeling a little bitter and angry, and often leads me to being overly sensitive and short to those I love. I promise I'm working on it, but I still have so much to work through.

I'm sorry to have lost your scent.

I have several items of clothing that I took from your house, after you had moved on from this life. Something was comforting about putting them on. I knew they were items you wore, and they still smelled like you. You would have liked that we took the clothes, and you would have wanted us to wear them….it would have been important to you. However, the more I wear them, the less they smell like you, and more like me. I miss your smell, your smile…..just you!

I promise to stay positive and strong. I promise to write about you again, but it can't always be like this. I promise to hug each and every person that we mutually love, whenever I can. I know I am going to have good days…. and I'm going to have bad days.

For today though, I'm just feeling sorry. Sorry for you, and sorry for me.

 

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concerts, family, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, parenting, society

Being Thankful for Imperfections

Some days it's hard to be thankful for things that don't appear to be all that magnificent on first glance. Today, on the eve of Thanksgiving, I have questioned many things that have happened to me, all within the last few hours.

Tonight, we had a family date night. We all went for pizza, prior to attending a church service/choir performance that my son was performing in. I had showered, blown out my hair, applied makeup, and dressed fairly decently. After all, it was a night out on the town!

Since it was cold outside, I went to gather my coat and gloves. Not surprisingly, NOBODY lost all the matching pairs of gloves in our house! There wasn't a matching pair to be had, let alone a nice isotoner or two! I took an unmatched thin pair, but was embarrased and irritated. I had to put one glove on one hand, and hide the other one in my pocket!! I thought “Why can't these children keep track of ANYTHING”?!

After eating, and after dropping our son off at rehearsal, we headed to the McDonald's across the street for a treat! We had a whole hour to waste before the performance. We were not in the safest part of town, and I noticed my children's eyes wandering to things that didnt seem normal to them. The kids ordered ice cream and Renee and I coffee. We found some seats against the wall, where we could see what was happening around us. The place wasnt busy, so there were ALOT of seats to choose from. The largest table was for 4, so I sat at a table by myself, and allowed the rest of them to sit together.

Not long after we sat down, an older black gentleman came hobbling our direction. He seemed to be disabled in some way. His speech was poor, and his eyes couldn't focus. He, of course, sat down directly next to me. I asked if I took his seat and he said “No, you're fine! Then he just ate his sandwich. Let me remind you, that there were seats everywhere. My children weren't completely staring, but they looked over frequently wondering what the hell was happening.

A couple of times he attempted to talk to me. He told me my nail polish was pretty, wished us happy holidays, and asked where I worked. He never asked for my SSN, so I thought I was fairly safe. The real kicker though, was when he dropped his napkin on the floor, right between us. He simply reached down to get it, failing miserably. His head was in my lap for what seemed like minutes, and finally my youngest daughter couldn't take it anymore….She giggled…. and I smiled at her. I thought “Why does this always happen to me”?!

Finally, it was time for the performance. It was a beautiful church, and I couldn't wait to see my son perform. I could just picture that little angels voice bellowing over everyone in that choir. He looked so cute, minus his short, lint filled black pants. His group was going to sing three songs during the service! Imagine my surprise when their little voices filled the church from the balcony! We couldn't even see them perform from where we sat. I started to laugh.

We weren't even planning to stay for the service. Now, not only were we staying for the service, we couldn't see our son! I thought “What is the point of taking your child to a performance that you can't even watch”?

The pastor gave a small sermon about being thankful for what we have, even if it doesn't seem ideal. We are lucky in so many ways, yet we choose to complain. It resonated with me, and it had all of my kids' attention too. They were smiling as they put money in the offering dish….all of which went to feed the needy people in our community.

On the way home, we discussed how glad we were that we stayed for the sermon. Then, I rethought the questions I asked myself earlier.

I changed my mind about being irritated about my mismatched gloves. Actually, I felt thankful that I even had gloves….and a coat…and clothes for that matter.

I changed my mind about the odd man at McDonald's. I was thankful that my children were able to witness their parents being nice to a man that was different than us. Their eyes are always watching how to act, and I hope this changed their outlook on the man too. Plus I was thankful to learn that that man had a family to spend his holiday with, he had a full belly, and he lived in a home nearby.

I changed my mind about needing to see my son perform. By not seeing him, we were able to hear their little voices fill the church, without the distraction of cameras and phones. Also, we were able to hear the message of the preacher, which is what got me to this newfound attitude in the first place.

It was so cold when we got in the car, but soon it would become warm. We were lucky to have a working car and seat heaters. We turned the heat on high, and sang together all the way home. Before we knew it, it was toasty warm in there. So warm, that we had to turn the heat down.

One last question entered my mind before reaching home. Why is it that every time the car is heated up like a sauna, does one child have to expell the nastiest, smelliest flatus…. Bad enough to induce dry heaves?

I guess I'll just stay thankful for heat! 🙂

Happy Thanksgiving!

 

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concerts, dancing, family, funny, humor, kids, mom humor, music, parenting, society

NOTHING to Brag About!

I thought I was prepared. I had been mentally preparing for over a week now. I certainly didnt lack the energy or know how, and the day was finally here.

Though they didnt say it outwardly, all of my friends were green with envy. I could see it in their eyes. Normally, I don't boast about things, but even I find reason to strut my stuff…my materialistic possessions……my successful achievements, when the time feels right. This was DEFINATELY the time, and I had no problem flaunting my plans.

I prepared all day….I drank some coffee, did a load of laundry, and took a nap. I cleaned the kitchen, and then rested my body again. Then finally, I checked my emails, and then shut my eyes a moment more. I knew what was coming, and it was bound to deplete me.

When it was time, I swung into action. I found the tightest, lowest hip waisted skinny jeans I had. These still make me feel uncomfortable, no matter how many knee bends I do to stretch them out. They are so low, that I refuse to tuck my shirt in, for fear that the upper part of my labia may be showing!! Still, some teenager talked me into them, and they were perfect for the occasion.

Next, I needed a cool and hip shirt…something that made me look bad ass to other mothers, that would also be trying to look like teenagers. As you probably guessed, I found it! A lavender shirt of a nice shade, with a herd of horses galloping across the front. The shirt served no purpose….it didnt reveal any real message…and it was a picture of 3 solid looking thoroughbreds galloping along a Mesa! It was precisely the kind of shirt that these kids are wearing today!!! I was really starting to come together!

Messy hair, moisturizer, lip gloss, earrings, and lots and lots of makeup later…..I began to look even more youthful!

Next…boots! The tall ones! It always comes down to leather or suede, cowboy or urban, and high heel or flat! I chose the high heel urban suede…It just went with the horse shirt!!! I was ready to roll.

My ego was boosted even more when my daughter told me I looked cool….Now that means something doesn't it? I knew I wasn't going to be the belle of the ball, but I was certain that no suburban housewife was going to show me up! I can roll with these ladies!!!

After a classy dinner at White Castle, we were on our way! My daughters excitement was encouraging my own……It was her first real concert!

I never went to a concert as a small child, so I don't know exactly what she was feeling…though I thought to myself what a lucky child she was. However, this is normal life to her….Something she almost expects. I think my reaction, as a child, would have been far more elated than hers. Either way, I was excited to see her reaction.

We got concert tshirts, posters, cotton candy, and Gatorade. Renee and I got beer waters, and we strolled around checking out the scenery. I haven't seen so many pompous high falutin house wives, since I took my oldest daughter to see Katy Perry…….Though this was far worse! The best part of all, is that I looked the part. I blended in with these same women…the same ones I was judging. I FELT AWESOME!

I was fully prepared to rock this concert out, despite Chloe's pleads for me to stay quiet! I WAS GOING TO SING AND DANCE! After all, I've watched these stupid shows long enough to reap some sort of reward!

We swayed to the opening bands, as the anticipation for the “real” act was building! The lady next to me was taking up half my seat with her upper thigh. The lady behind me was leaning over the top of me, taking selfies every now and then. On other occasions, she tapped her boot to the beat of the music on my backside…which was actually the real, true live, flesh and blood of my backside, since my low pants had lowered to the point of inappropriateness, when I sat down. It didnt matter though….Nothing was going to bring me down!!!

The lights went dim. The thumping of music began. The crowd went wild. Any minute now, Selena Gomez would make a grand entrance. My daughter was in shock! Would she be seeing her for real?!

I stood up, even though most people around me sat like a bunch of old ladies….including Renee and Chloe. I hooped and hollered, mainly because I was hoping to go hoarse, so I could brag more to my friends!

Sadly, I sat down midway through the first song. She sang only a handful of songs I'd even heard. Apparently, ever since she turned 21, and broke up with Justin Bieber, she became uncool! Luckily, she had dancers to keep us entertained, since she was unable to do it on her own.

One of the songs I recognized, spoke loudly about loving ourselves the way we are. She gave a small speech beforehand, telling each of us we were beautiful, and to never change for anyone. She went into a sob story about how people continue to tell her she isn't sexy enough, or not good enough. People are constantly telling her she can always be better. She finished this by reminding us, that despite all of that, she would never want to be anyone else but her…..

I found this so endearing. Why would she want to be anyone else but her? She's a beautiful 21 year old girl, with lots of money, AND she has an entourage of people who adore her, surrounding her at all times! I couldn't resonate with what she was saying. My life was so different.

However, I could resonate with the people criticizing her. I may have had high expectations ( though that rarely happens:)). Or, maybe I just wanted to sing and dance. But one things for certain, if she sang those teeny bopper songs that I came to hear…….she would have DEFINATELY been better!

 

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death, family, healing, health, racing, running, society

ANGER MANAGEMENT

Some days when I take off running, it seems fairly easy for me to talk myself into stopping, or at least slowing down. Like most runners, some days aren't as good as other days. I get tired, or winded, or maybe I didnt eat well enough for the longevity of it. Sometimes its related to the fact that I simply don't want to do it in the first place.

These days are expected, they are normal, and I seldom ever let them get me down. After all, I ended up doing it anyway, against my own will.

Recently, I have felt strong physically, but have been emotionally weak. Though I have tried not to, I have been bottling up ALOT of emotions. Running really helps me to blow off ALOT of steam, it leaves me alone with my thoughts, and its also healthier than drinking wine all day. 🙂

Lately, I have gotten lost in the run. These jogs have shown themselves to have purpose, and I have forgotten all about the physical ailments. Instead, what I've found to be the most difficult, is fighting through the emotional tears…..something that I haven't often dealt with, while just trying to get a jog in. However, this seems to be the time that my body is screaming to release all of its energy and emotion.

Most of the time I listen to upbeat music, something that really gets me pepped up and going…something that makes me energetic and happy! Other times, I need soft, calming music to help get me where I'm going. Today, I found myself listening to music that was sad…music that was reflective of my feelings.

I wasn't in any sort of race today. I had no interest in breaking any sort of records. I just needed to run. I set myself into a pace, and I drowned myself in my music. It was overwhelmingly loud, speaking directly to my soul. Several songs I replayed, just to allow the lyrics to ring into my brain.

For a minute, I wondered what the others around me were thinking. Tears had welled up in my eyes, and my breath had become labored. Not labored like when you've exerted yourself too much, but the kind that happens when you could use an inhaler or small paper bag to help you breathe. It wasnt even a second or two that I looked around at the others, before I was drawn back to my own reality.

I never payed attention to how fast I was going, or how far. I was so intently focused on my thoughts, that I forgot where I even was. With each step and each word of each song, my emotions would rise. I thought I was probably harboring feelings of sadness, maybe grief that I hadn't entirely sorted through. Instead, as my breathing became heavier, and as I fought back the tears that I so desperatley needed to let go, it became clear to me that I was NOT releasing feelings of sadness….but anger!

I allowed my thoughts to go free. I continued to fight back tears and tried to take deep breaths to get me through the lack of oxygen I was suffering, and I just kept going.

I wasn't angry that she was gone. I think I had braced myself for that. I was angry about what should have happened before she left this world. How she should have been treated better, how much more time should have been set aside for her, how I should have answered that phone every time she called, instead of claiming to be so busy.

I was angry about the unkind words that were sometimes spoken to her…spoken to me, and in a time of such sensitivity. In all the time I was grieving during the proces of her death and even thereafter, I carried my own natural sadness, my own burden, and then the anger and stress of others on my shoulders. I didn't realize how much it had built up until now. My mind was racing faster than my legs, and at points I felt like if I stopped running, I would drop down into a pool of my own tears….with only strangers around me. So, I kept going….

Before I knew it, I had breezed through 5 miles, at a nine minute pace. I slowed a bit for a cool down and ended up running 6.2. It felt good, both on physical and emotional levels. Its amazing how quickly I will slow my regime, if I'm physically ailing, but push through it when I'm emotionally ailing. It just goes to show that this sport is all mental.

I needed to let go of things today, for whatever reason. I fear though, that I have ALOT more runs and self pep talks in order, to get me back on track. I often lecture people about how harboring anger hurts yourself, more than other people. I have always been good at letting things go, even if some things take me a little longer than others. I have faith that this too will pass.

Until then…. I'm just going to enjoy the painless training:)

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http://www.perdaily.com/and-this-too-shall-pass.jpg

 

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