crime, humor, interesting, society

Naive Realism: A Theory of Perception

The crime rates in Indianapolis have recently soared, and the murder rate in 2013 exceeded the murder rate of the city of Chicago.

I make it a point not to watch the news, because I cant bear to hear about one more rape, break in, or murder. I guess I would rather live my life to the fullest, not knowing what nonsense may or may not happen to me. If its my time, its my time. Odds are, there is nothing I can do to prevent it anyway, so Id rather not stress myself out.

This morning however, because I was anxious to hear about possible warm weather, I tuned into a local news channel. I wasnt really focused on the news per say, but I could hear it in my background. My attention was grabbed though, when I heard that a teenage boy was being prosecuted for raping a 93 year old woman! It just made me ill, and I immediately turned the television off. At the time, I really didnt think I had absorbed the information, because I continued on with my day…without a care in the world….

The sun shone brightly through my living room window, and for the first time in a long time, I felt ready to start this day. I motivated myself early, making my way to the gym, as soon as I dropped my kids off at school. I was planning to meet a friend, and though we didnt have plans of yet, I knew we would make some.

We felt great after our workout, and decided to go next door to celebrate with a little coffee. Finally, it was warm enough to sit outside, and my body absorbed the Vitamin D happily. We sat out there for some time, laughing and catching up, not once thinking or worrying that we would be acosted by some thug at any moment.

At one point, we began talking about recent crimes in our city, and it became apparent to me that I have been absorbing the information I am hearing, but I have just chosen to place it in the back of my mind. I told her about the news I had heard this morning, and she shared some of her own knowledge on the subject. This stimulated me to remember a conversation that I recently had with Renee, about this new game that “thugs” are playing called “knock out”!

Knock out is a game that has been played frequently in our close, neighboring city of Chicago. Apparently the thug waits quietly outside the door of a convenient store or gas station, until their intended target innocently comes out the door, only to be punched in the side of the head by their attacker. The goal, of coarse, is to knock the victim out in one punch! While I can completely picture a large group of unkempt, underwear showing boys, high fiving their asinine behavior, I find it interesting that their targets are often poor old women, or weak little beings. It kind of takes the toughness out of it, in my personal opinion.

After telling my friend about the new game arriving in our own city, we talked about how ridiculous it was, what we would do in this situation, and how more elderly people should defend themselves better! After this, I didnt think about it again….Until I did….

I loaded my son in the car to take him to choir practice. It was still warm, so I opened the sun roof and turned up the radio…John Cougar Mellencamp strummed his guitar loudly overhead, and we barely spoke a word.

I noticed that my gas gauge was very low, but we were running late as usual. He said I should stop at the gas station. He was not worried about being late, but more worried about having to push the car, because he is still too young to steer. I told him not to worry, because the yellow light wasnt even on yet. Of course, this was a dumb decision, because I was just getting ready to get on the highway at rushour. The light turned on, as soon as we got on the highway…

Luckily, nothing stopped us on the highway, but I decided not to push it, and stopped to get gas, at the first station available. Unfortunately, this happened to be an inner city gas station, that didnt appear to be in the best area of town. Not thinking twice, I got out of the car.

As soon as I started pumping the gas, I became increasingly aware of my surrounding. Bass boomed loudly through opened windows. A line was formed at every tank, and eyes were glaring into me, telling me that they were annoyed….I gulped and knew I was taking too long. Four or five people became restless, and got out of the seemingly popular, UNMARKED/SRIPPED used police cars that were prevalent here. Groups were forming, and people seemed to know each other here….Half of them had underwear hanging out of the back of their jeans and/or a gold “grill” lining their teeth.

I wont lie when I say, I began to worry. I recalled our previous conversation about the “Knock out gang”, and wondered if any of them were here. I was trying to remember my safetly techniques, and I began to look back and forth at my surroundings, so that I would become completely aware if someone approached me, with a fist heading toward my temple.

Suddenly I becamed overwhelmed. Voices became muted, all laughter seemed directed towards me, and I was certain I was in trouble. I looked back at the gas tank, and it was only half full. I panicked, as triads of people walked behind my car, increasing my fight or flight response. I was ready to fight, though I knew I stood no chance. Then it happened…

“POP”

I jumped, certain it was me that had been hit. When I opened my eyes to see I was safe, I realized that it was only the gas pump, telling me it was done. I got in the car and left unharmed…this time…

I think I will stop watching the news again….

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exorcise, funny, humor, humour, society

RETHINKING ASS-THETICS!

In most states, Indecent Exposure laws show that it is a crime to display ones genitals in a public place, especially if it causes another person to feel alarmed, ashamed, or offended in any manner. However, though it wasnt purposeful, and though NO ONE said anything outwardly to me, Im fairly certain I may have alarmed and offended a handful of people today, when I exposed a portion of my own shaded, private areas…

The day started out like most other days. I got up with the kids, poured my coffee, and sat idle for about 20 minutes, while I debated in my mind, whether I was awake enough to workout. Right before dropping them at school, I had coerced myself into changing into my workout clothes, and heading straight for the gym.

As I was driving, I was shamefully belting out the “life altering” lyrics to a Keith Urban song….”Take your cat and leave my sweater, we have nothing left to weather, in fact I'll feel a whole lot better”…. I looked over at the man in the suit next to me, driving the fancy BMW, to see if he was singing along too…but he wasnt. Like I said, it was just like every other day… Except for one thing…I wasnt wearing any underpants!

If you are feeling alarmed already, please dont. Women all over the world have been practicing this trade for years, dating all the way back to EVE. In fact, my friends have been making fun of me for sometime now, for wearing underwear under my workout pants.

While I do admit that it looks a little ridiculous to have a huge granny panty line under a pair of stretch pants, I have never been able to tolerate the seam of my pants being pushed up into my delicate nethers. However, recently I purchased a pair of tight shorts….Kind of like a biker short, but without the padding. I hadnt yet worn them, but since it was a nice day, and since I had decided to get in a spin class, I thought it was a good day to try them out.

I put them on over my “grannys”, and immediately noticed NOT only the line, but the winter dollops that I had packed on, in my derrière region. Those dollops happened to be distinctly separated by that same line! So, for the first time, in a long time, I went commando.

I was feeling self conscious when I walked into the gym, as though everyone was looking at me like “they knew”. I picked the bike in the very back of the room, and found myself looking at, and REALLY ASSESSING more backsides, than I ever have in my life. There were every shape and size of buttox before me, but what they all had in common, men and women alike, were tight pants!

I stared intently at their posterior parts throughout the entire workout. As all of my new friends began working up a sweat, I could tell exactly what they had under those shorts/pants. Some appeared to have nothing, some had thongs, some had full figured panties…Regardless, it did seem to me that the pants with nothing under them looked the best, at least ass-thetically!:)

For a moment, I was glad I had chosen to experiment with this phenomenon. Initially, the seam wasnt bothering me at all. That is, until I myself, worked up a sweat! I absolutely could not keep those shorts from getting snagged in regions that I didnt know could snag things. I felt like I got an extra workout, because half of my time was spent fetching fabric!!

In the beginning of this fiasco, I had felt happy about my bike choice, feeling relieved that no other biker would be judging my backside, like I was theirs. However, as I became obsessed with my own issues, I looked back to see that my backside was facing the entire gym, through non frosted glass!!

I finished my workout, and then quickly placed my sweatshirt around my waist, trying to cover up the sweat that looked like urine, caused by not having the extra layer of fabric to absorb it. I then quickly made my way home, to finally observe what the back of my own backside looked like now….

As you may have guessed, when my shorts got damp, they were see through!! Ive heard about the yoga pants that have had these issues, and even seen many random people at Walmart, wearing the see through pant with a tucked in shirt, but I honestly never thought it could happen to me… I guess thats how we all feel, until it happens to us.

I dont know how many people, or how much of my private property was seen, as I was in that hiked up position, trying to make my way uphill….but Im thankful that the police werent called, and that there were no children around. I think I will go back to the panty line from now on out.

Besides that though, somewhere in this whole process, I learned something valuable…

Sometimes the saying “Hindsights 20/20″ can be true on so many different levels.

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exorcise, health, humor, racing, running

Treat Her Right..and She Will Treat You Better

I hit the snooze button for the second time, and I immediately hated myself for doing so. Still, I dozed in and out for 10 more minutes, knowing it was going to make me run late, just like every other day of my life.

I have known for about 6 months now, that I was signed up to run this 15K, on this day. For some reason though, knowing this, apparently wasn't enough to motivate me to start training properly for the event. Since I had already paid my dollars for this race, and since I knew I would be running a half marathon in only one more month, I decided to see where my body was in this process. Believe me when I say, I knew I would struggle….

When I finally got myself out of the bed, I was faced with every obstacle possible….and I was running late.

I had set my outfit out the night before, but forgot to put my sports bra in the stack. I have a number of these bras in my posession, but I only like to wear one or two of them. I was searching frantically, making it necessary for me to turn on the bright light above Renees head, to wake her up to help me find it in order to dig through my dresser to find them. I ran down to look in the dryer, only to find that the dog had pooped everywhere on the floor, even smearing it into the rug. I leaped over it, dodging it to the best of my ability, but was dissapointed to find NO bra..I never found them, and had to settle for my raggedy ones.

Next, I needed to focus on food. Normally before a race, I would eat peanut butter toast and a banana. However, all of the bananas were rotten, and we had no bread. I did manage to find some partially stale bagels, so I threw them in, but then panicked when I couldnt find the peanut butter.

While they were toasting, I was scurrying to gather my supplies. I had managed to get Renee up at this point, due to my outward groaning and complaining. I needed gum, my music, Chapstick, the armband to hold my music, money to park, and coffee…OH how I needed coffee!….

Renee, being the kind, generous soul that she is, helped me get out the door, but I was beginning to think she was only doing it for her own benefit.

Luckily I had found peanut butter in the back of the cabinet, and began to shove the bagel down my throat, as I sped to get on the highway. I had thirty minutes before the race started, and knew I probably should stretch. I was starting to calm myself down, telling myself that I had plenty of time, until I realilzed that I had not brought any earbuds for my music!! I tried not to panic, telling myself that I could just run 9 miles without the headset…but quickly told myself that I was an idiot!

I wasnt prepared for this race, and I knew I would not be able to bear listening to myself suffocate for the last 6 miles of this race! I made a quick stop at the gas station, praying that they would have a cheap set….They didnt! I was almost in tears as I reached my car. I said one last prayer, hoping that one of my children had left some in the back seat. I dug in, and in the middle of the crack, between the seats, I saw one ear bud sticking out. YEAH!!! Thank you GOD!

I got to the race eight minutes before start time. I reminded myself how dumb I was for doing this, even as I was pinning my number to my shirt. I got to stretch my legs for about 2 minutes, before we were off! This time, I had promised myself that I would not push myself too hard. I would simply enjoy listening to the music, while enjoying the run. I was NOT going to focus on my time…my only goal was to finish.

I struggled through my first few miles, until I talked myself into slowing down. By mile 5 I had settled into a comfortable pace, and let the music overtake my mind. Unfortunately, that is when the blister began forming on the arch of my right foot. Still, I kept running.

At mile 7, my legs were telling me they were taking a good hit, but I was feeling surprisingly better than I thought I would. I forged on, and only ended up walking through one water station, at mile 8. I was pleased to finally see the end, and the only thing keeping me from shedding a tear, were my children…rooting me on at the finish! I waved, smiled, and whispered “Im almost finished”!

I finished in less time than I thought, still able to keep my average time under 10 minute miles. It certainly wasnt my fastest race…but I had finished. I was proud of myself for conquering all my obstacles.

I limped my way to the car, hobbled my way into my house, and sat down to delicately pull my sock off of my fresh new blister. I was hurting bad. It took me many minutes to reach the top of my stairs, due to all of my leg muscles pulling me the opposite way. After showering, I leaned down to pick up laundry off of the floor and my heart began to race into my throat, and wouldnt come down. I was now laying flat on the floor of the hallway…calling my son for help!

As I laid there for the next 5 minutes, waiting for my heart rate to resume at a normal pace, I was thinking about how pathetic I looked in that moment. Im not in my youth anymore, and I need to treat my body nicer.

I apologized to my body and promised I would try to be nicer.

“As soon as I am able to walk again, I will definately train you better”!

NO FN LN DIVISION OVERALL DIVPL SEXPL GUNTIME TIME PACE
printradius 3525 TIA F3539 389 31/90 141/536 1:32:07 1:31:16 9:48

 

“Your body is precious. It is our vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha


 

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friendship, funny, humor, humour, racing, society

The High Cost of “Winning”

It was dusk when I gazed out the back window. It had rained all day, and the sky was darker than normal. The large tree in the back yard was still deprived of its spring leaves, but was full of something curious…

They had an eerie quality about them…Their backs were slumped, their necks were curved, and their eyes could bore through the soul of the darkest demon…

Turkey Vultures!!

Earlier this week, when I voiced my concern over the potential dangers of the Illinois squirrels and boxing deer, my mind was thankfully put at ease, when my friend told me that these creatures were NOT prevalent in her town. However, this led her to pre warn me about the overabundance of turkey vultures in this area. So far, these aeronautical creatures hadnt been known to attack humans, but she couldn't promise me anything.

The floor boards creeked below me, and my hair blew back in reponse to the heater vent, blowing air upwards from the ground. I continued to glare out the window at these looming creatures, not daring to look into their eyes. I had just readied myself up to go to Bingo night with my friend, and we couldnt risk being late. In that moment, I said a small prayer. I pleaded that God would get us to the car, without being attacked… Not when there was so much at stake!!

We made it to the car without incident, and I quickly forgot about the vultures, because my nerves had begun to take hold of me, as the time neared for BINGO. I only had an idea of what it would be like, because I hadn't gone since I was a kid. Turns out, we didnt know ANYTHING, and we werent prepared!

First of all, we got there late. Well, right on time…which was late. We were the youngest people there, and I wont lie that we were getting a lot of DESIRED attention. I started giggling immediately.

It all started when the vetran asked if we wanted the $7 package. We didnt know, so we said thats exactly what we needed, and I paid him $14. Next, he asked if we wanted the blue board. We didnt know, so we said “sure”.

“Those are an extra dollar a piece”.

I told my friend to give him two more dollars.

He asked if we wanted to put our name in the pickle jar. I said “I dont know what that is…but sure”! I was giggling hysterically at this point, drawing the attention of the bingo drawing lady.

“Ok. Those are an extra dollar a piece”.

I told my friend to give him two more dollars.

He asked if we needed the ink blotting devices to mark our spots. I knew we needed those, so I said “We need two”.

“Ok. Those are each an extra dollar a piece”. Now I was just laughing out loud, as I told my friend to give him two more dollars. We were officially broke, and now the lady in the front had had it with our nonsense.

She said “If you arent playing, I need to ask you to be quiet”.

We giggled all the way to our seats, which were right next to a darling little elderly lady. She was a professional bingoist, and she was happy to help us out, when she realized we were clueless. I offered her half of my Toblerone candy bar, and we were fast friends. She allowed for me to switch bingo dot colors with her for one round, and even laughed every time I got in trouble for talking….Which is more than you might think.

I have no idea how these people keep up with all of numbers being called out, because I constantly felt like I was drowning. Also, they were so serious! Some people yelled BINGO so loudly, that it would scare you right off your seat. Then, the whole room would groan and say “I only needed one more”!!

At first, I thought these people were ridiculous, but it wasn't long before I was groaning right along with them. My friend won $15, and I was proud of her. Me…I never won.

I left there feeling more knowledgeable about the game, but a little down about not winning. As luck would have it though, my friend had another friend, who just happened to be a townie. She was willing to try to lift my spirits, by taking me to a place where they held “fair” and “friendly” competitions.

I knew we were going to watch crabs race, but what I didnt know, is that I actually got to race my own crab!! I was immediately cheered. They each picked up a random hermit crab in a bowl…but not me. I looked at each crab. I looked at their agility, the tread on their claws, and the heaviness of the shell. I looked at their size, their probable age, and into their beady eyes. Finally, I had found my crab.

The only thing I didnt love about my crab was its name “Jesse James Fudgepacker”. However, I overlooked it, knowing he was the one. My anxiety soared, as I placed him down for his first race. I whispered in his ear a small cheer, and was not surprised at all, to see that he made it to the semi finals!

The second time was no different than the first, as he breezed by his untrained peers, and won the race. We had made it to the finals.

His competition in the finals was sketchy though. There were some bruts…ones that have clearly won on other occasions. It was obvious…he wasnt ready! Still, he made me proud by placing 4th overall.

I realized, as I stood watching others stare at me with envy, in my new “winners circle crab Tshirt”, that I don't need to win money, to feel like a winner. Sometimes all I need is just wonderful, encouraging friends…and a little bit of faith in one small crab.


Thank you Angie for a fabulous time…and if youre reading this….you still owe me $7.50 (half of the bingo earnings). :)

 

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friendship, funny, humor, humour, parenting, society, travel

The Upside of Owning Crabs!

“Now please guys, NO fighting. If you try hard to get along, EVERYONE will have a stress free vacation”.

These are the words that Renee left the children to live by, as she sent us all off with an “I miss you all already”, knowing she had 2 full days of silence to herself. We all knew what her statement meant….

…..”Don't Piss your Mama T off in the car, if you know whats good for you”!!! (smiling and waving)

I had already thrown one massive tantrum that morning, after learning that my sweet daughters had placed my newly packed luggage in the shower, hoping to pull a late April Fools joke. My eyes dared my little cherubs to push me further.

Luckily for all of us, they were angels. It may have been because of their fear of my reaction, but it was most likely due to the fact that they had free reign of their electronics during the 4 hour trip, which was a luxury that they rarely got to have. Regardless, I got much needed quiet time on my trip….and least between the songs I was belting out, when an “oldie but goodie” came along.

While driving, I thought about what new adventure might come our way on this trip. We had never been to this city before, and the friend I was going to visit, assured me that there was nothing to do in her town. I thought this was absurd! How can there be NOTHING to do?

Honestly, I didnt need much entertaining. I was just hoping to catch up with her, and maybe get a good laugh or two in, while our children played. The only other thing I wanted to do, is to roam the city in search of a handful of deaf people. I HAD to interact with deaf people!!

It may seem that Im being politically incorrect by saying this, but believe me when I say, my intentions were good. My friend is a principal at the school for the deaf. She is married to a professional man who happens to be deaf, and one of their 5 children is deaf. They know the ins and outs of this community, because it is just a natural part of their lives. For me, this lifestyle is foreign and new.

I grow more fascinated by every new thing I learn, but admit I havent really learned anything new on my own. My friend teases me and tells me I need to learn some signing, and has even gone to the extent of putting apps on my phone that will teach me this trade. Though I have opened them a couple of times, I dont see them often enough to keep up my skills.

So far, I can only call a deaf cat or dog, but Im hoping to expand my horizons. If I could just find a group of deaf college kids to hang out with over a couple of beers, I know I could be fluent in this language.

Day one of our trip is over, and I havent seen anyone appearing to be deaf, except for the ones in her immediate family. Even then, I am not communicating up to my potential…..unless you count my head nodding, pointing, and speaking loudly to get my point across…

I guess there is always today to better myself. In the meantime, we plan to entertain ourselves with other things. After researching her city myself, it turns out shes foolish. There are lots of things to do!!

Not only did we spend last night taking “tasteful selfies” of ourselves, in her teenage daughters clothing, followed by loading all of our kids, and the kids of her extended family, into the swimming pool at the Hampton INN, TONIGHT we have an even bigger night planned!!

What could be bigger than this you may ask?

Bingo at the AM vets starts at 6:45 sharp, and I can not wait. I just hope I brought something nice enough to wear. If this isnt enough already…AND…If our hands arent too callused from playing the bingo boards..We will be following this new tradition up with crab racing at a local bar. Apparently, the locals bring their best and fastest hermit crabs, and then people come to bet on whose will win. I have made a mental promise to myself that I wont wager any more than one or two hundred dollars, and have high hopes that I bring home some BIG MONEY!

Cross your fingers….This trip could end up being better than Vegas!!

 

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Uncategorized

If You Can Dish It Out, You CAN Take it!!

I laid my head down on a pillow case full of wooden shoes last night, when I went to bed.

To many people, this may seem like a hilarious prank that their genious children have come up with, to celebrate April Fools Day. Acually, so did I…..If only it had stopped there.

If you read my post yesterday, you know that I attempted to prank my girls, to reciprocate their idea of saran wrapping my toilet. Well, I enjoyed listening to my younger daughter squeel as she tasted the hot sauce on her toothbrush, and I giggled as my oldest daughter came down the stairs holding the fake dead body I had placed in her bed. I was finally successful, and felt like my girls and I were even.

I sent them to bed, and stayed up just a little longer for a minute of solitude, then I headed to bed. However, they werent asleep, and they were still up and down out of their beds. This should have been my first clue!! Because Im not an idiot, I checked my toothbruth thoroughly. I felt safe, and resumed brushing. Not long after, I heard giggling and saw the whites of one of their eyes.

“How does it taste Mama”?

I didnt want them to get the best of me, so I simply said “fine”, through my bubbly teeth. Now hearty laughter filled the rooom as she told me that they had loaded my toothbrush with lotion and soap. I finished brushing my teeth, just for show, but I was already becoming anxious. After sending them back to bed, I immediately picked up the items I had ingested, and I began reading the ingredients, as I already was starting to feel the back of my throat closing off.

I have serious anxiety about ingesting things that Im uncertain about. I worry about what it will do, I can feel it absorbing into my body, I can feel my heart begin to race, and the vessels start to constrict. I always seem to feel like Im going to die. Reading the ingredients didnt help. Turns out, the lotion had collagen and elastin in it, and the sugar cookie flavored soap was from the dollar store!!

I tried to forget about it and go to bed, but my brain wouldnt stop going. I was already complaining to Renee about the effects of the soap, as I was slipping into bed. Thats when I found the fake dead body!

I shouted…”So hilarious…when a joke is redone girls”!!

I threw body parts out on my floor, slipped into bed, and then laid down on the wooden shoe pillow! “Good one ladies”! Then more giggles followed.

I whined about the soap for over an hour, until I finally got up and rinsed with mouthwash. I realized that somehow in all of the madness in this household, Renee is the one that is really punished.

This morning, I woke up ready to go on my trip to Illinois, to visit my friend. I made sure that we were all packed two days before the trip, so we could just wake up, pack our bathroom stuff, and go. I felt prepared.

I poured my first cup of coffee and headed to the shower, knowing it was going to be a good day. I turned the shower on and let it run for a few moments, before getting in the nice hot water. However, as I went to get in, I noticed my luggage full of clothes, was at the bottom of that stream….

I immediately erupted. I was yelling erratically… “Who did this?…. You are going to repack this!…Find me a bag!… Get my clothes dried!….Do you think I have time for this?…This is not funny at all!…I packed two days ago!!!!!!”….and so on and so forth.

The girls knew immediately that they had made a dire mistake. They split up…One looking desperately in all of the closets for a new bag, and the other taking the clothes out of the old one. I ignored them entirely, while trying to pull myself back together, after my clear overreaction.

I was almost calm, until I couldnt find the hair dryer. What the hell was happening???

“Girls, where is the hair dryer”? They started scurrying again.

My youngest daughter brought it up to me, with her head down.

I sternly said “What were you doing with it”?

She said “I was going to blow dry your bag”!

A small smirk came to my face, as I suggested using the ACTUAL dryer for such things.

Sigh…4 ibuprofen and another cup of coffee later, I think Im going to be okay. I should be proud of them for being such masterminds, afterall Ive taught them to be this way. Plus, they really did get me! I guess I just dont find it near as funny when it happens to me. So, Im going to take a deep breath and try to live by the motto set forth by our ancestors years ago…

If you can dish it out, you can take it!!:)

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food, funny, humor, humour, kids, society

Public Mastication

I watched a professional woman masticate in public today with a smile on her face. She was young….pretty even… and I guessed her to be a young doctor in training.

I admit that I was a little grouchy as I made my way to work this morning. I was tired, and was running late as usual. I rushed in the building and pushed the elevator button, trying to hurriedly make may way to my unit, hoping desperately to clock in before I was considered late. Luckily, the elevator doors opened immediately. Not luckily, there were slow stragglers still making their way on, taking their own sweet time to load the elevator.

Immediately, my eyes went to the chipper lady with her breakfast burrito. It was clear by the way she was looking at that burrito that she was in mid mastication. She apparently found it necessary to lick her bacon before eating it, and the sound she was making with her lips and tongue was making me physically nauseated. Could she not have waited to eat this until she reached her designated floor? As much as I wanted to look away from her, I couldnt stop glaring at her. The amount of irritation I was feeling was seeping out of my pores.

I suddenly invisioned grabbing the sandwich out of her hand, and punching her delicately in the throat, before I threw the food on the ground and smashed it with my orthopedic looking work shoe. I then, would smile sincerely at her before briskly exiting the elevator.

That short ride I took on the elevator seemed to last minutes. Just as I thought she couldnt annoy me anymore than she was already, she turned and looked directly at me. She said, while laughing stupidly “This is my second breakfast already. Its not right is it”?

No it was not!

I forced myself to smirk at her, but I only glared at her more, before exiting the elevator, finally leaving her to masticate in private.

After I drank another cup of coffee, I started berating myself for my negative, ungodly attitude this morning. Surely, I had masticated in public before, when Ive been in a rush. I needed to get my attitude in check, and figure out why I was being so hateful.

What I came to realize is that it was April Fools Day. This is a day that is perfect for my shenanigans, yet I had nothing planned. It was making me feel inept and worthless, and I was taking it out on others.

As the day went on, I perked up. I tried to cheer myself up by trying a couple of small pranks…but they both failed! One of my friends refused to believe that my period date was 2 weeks past, and that I thought I was with child. She called my bluff, remembering exactly the last time I complained about my menstrual cycle.

Next, I tried to tell another friend that I was going to have to cancel our upcoming trip, and she said “April Fools day”, before I could say it! I was mad as an old wet hen!! Why couldnt they just let me say it, when they knew how important it was to me??

Anyway, I was feeling depressed by the time I left work. No one would fall for my dumb old pranks today!

I made my way home, and made my way up to my room to change my clothes. Then I decided to go to the bathroom, before making my way downstairs. As I went to sit down, I noticed Saran Wrap placed across the toilet seat….a prank Ive pulled on my children in the past. Then, I saw my Ipad close by, and noticed it had been Saran Wrapped too…

These girls of mine were trying to prank a prankster, and I was going to deflate their ego as my own had been depleted earlier that day. I removed the Saran Wrap, so I wouldnt have to sit in my own urine, and I thought….. I thought hard!

I havent gotten a response yet, but Im still waiting to see if my youngest daughter will brush her teeth with the toothbrush that I have dipped in hot sauce, and if my oldest daughter will be frightened by the human body that I have stuffed and adorned with a large massive black wig, white doll face, and work boot that will touch her as she slips into bed.

Im hoping desperately to take my mind off of masticating once and for all, and improve my mood before this day is out!!

Happy April Fools Day!!

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